Friday, March 1, 2013

I'll Take a #1...with a McSlashing

It was another Tuesday night. However, what started off as a shitty week, got way more interesting...and this was only the second goddamn day of the work week. On Monday, my car broke down. All kinds of shit was wrong with it. Luckily for me, my boy, German, from Auto Analysts in San Francisco, took care of my shit and got my ride up and running again. Big ups, playa!

The incident happened around 8:15-8:30pm. I was walking my carless ass from the BART station to my apartment. BTW - that was a long mother fucking walk. I will NEVER do that shit again. Fuck all that. Note to self - take a cab next time, asshole. But I digress...

About 2 blocks away from getting home, my tired ass got fucking hungry. So, like any hungry and tired mother fucker would do, I decided to make a pit stop. And what do you know, there's a McDonald's right down the street from my pad. Time to get my grub on...

As I walked in, there were two homeboys talking to one another in line. Not giving two shits about what they were talking about, I did notice their voices get a little louder. Hell, I thought these two bastards were friends. Apparently, they weren't. Then this happened...

Me: "Hey fellas, not to be a dick but, y'all mother fuckers gonna order food? If not, can you take this shit somewhere else?"

Waiting for a response because I was deserving of one, all I got was a look from both these bitches. After that, these two slap dicks decide to continue on with their dispute. IN LINE, mind you.

Guy #1: "Fuck you man."

Guy #2: "Nah man, fuck you bro."

Guy #1: "Fuck that, fuck you homie."

Guy #2: "I'm about to fuck you up, ese."

It was at this moment in time that I thought I was about to witness some gay ass Sweet Valley High meets the gayer version of Blood In/Blood Out fight go down. The more "fuck you's" that were said, the louder it got, and the more awkward the moment was...not for me, but for the 5-6 McDonald's employees who just sat there and didn't say or do anything. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. These sons of bitches just sat there with their thumbs rammed straight up their asses. Looking like retarded wildlife at the fucking zoo or some shit.

Then it happened...

Like two 10 year old boys on the playground, these two fucks start to push each other. Knowing that none of the ignorant staff from McDonald's was going to do shit, I knew I had to do something. So what did I do? I try breaking it up before shit got real.

That was probably my biggest fucking mistake.

Right as I get in the middle of these two, mind you, I'm hungry as fuck and just want a goddamn burger, Guy #2 pushes me back, pulls some shit out of his back pocket and swings for the fences at my head. Finding my inner Shaolin Warrior, I pull the Matrix on this mother fucker and dodge his punch but feel something really sharp hit my face. It was right then and there, everything came to a screeching fucking halt and things got fucking awkward real quick.

As I stood back about to get into the infamous Crane Kick position from the Karate Kid, I realized that I shouldn't do a damn thing. Reason being, I had no fucking idea if these two cats had their homeboys around and if so, what direction they'd be coming from. All hyped up, with my backpack still on, ready to go Chuck Liddell on a mother fucker, the dude who swung looked like he saw a dead person.

Confused, sober and still hungry as a mother fucker, I decide to go Ike Turner on these mother fuckers when all of the sudden, the dude says, "Oh shit!!!," B lines it out one door, while the other mother fucker B lines it out the opposite door. Then there's me...still confused, still hungry, still hyped up and wondering what the fuck just happened in the last 10 minutes. And as I stood there still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, I see every employee from McDonald's staring at me. Not saying a word. Not calling the cops. Just staring.

I walk up to the cashier and say:

"I'll have a #1, regular size with a Powerade. Oh, and give me a chicken sandwich with no mayo. I'm fucking hungry."

She says absolutely nothing. Takes my order and says, "Um, that's $6.84 sir."

Wondering why the fuck she's looking at me with such fear and concern, I feel my cheek where the dude clipped me and feel something....a lot of something. It's blood. This mother fucker sliced my goddamn face and I'm bleeding at McDonald's and don't give a fuck. That's how hungry I was people. Hungry enough to not give a fuck that some dude pulled out a knife, cut my face, and still ordered a mother fucking meal. Hey, when a brother has to eat...a brother HAS to fucking eat. Am I right?



And while waiting there for my food, no employee said or did anything. They all just stared and kept looking confused. Well, it was either that, or they were all fucking high.

Cashier: "Number 104."

As my number gets called, I grab my shit, walk out that mother fucking door, go home and eat my meal as if nothing had happened.

A cool little gash to the face, some swelling and a good story to tell, I guess.

What I find funny is how society as whole (not just McD's) do this shit all the time. Witness something go down but turn a blind eye because "they want no part of it." And as sad and fucked up that may sound, it's true. A friend asked me if I were in the same situation, would I do what I did again? My answer: "Fuck yeah I would. That shit could have happened to anybody. I'm not gonna be that asshole who doesn't do or say shit if I see something go down. That's the problem with people these days. They are too selfish to help those who might need it or are in danger." Real talk.

How this shit happens to me all the time, I have no goddamn clue. But would I ever change it?

NEVER.


28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Damn, GG. WTF?!

jadedcuzofu said...

I pictured you as a black man...

L-Train said...

@Jaded, he is a black man. On the inside. And below the waist, where it counts. Ha.

Melissa Cifelli said...

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell he used to get that type of mark on your face. Looks like a scratch from a chick fight.

jadedcuzofu said...

Hahahaha...seriously I was Shocked

Anonymous said...

@Melissa - maybe he shouldn't have tried to dodge it so the guy could have gotten him really good so it looked like a real knife wound and he could have lost an eye or died. Idiot.

Anonymous said...

Preach

Anonymous said...

But u did that shit like a mfkn BOSS

Anonymous said...

he craft-knifed your ass!

Denise Villegas said...

You Still Look Cute :)

Anonymous said...

We need more people like you, GG.

Krystianne Lee said...

Imagine if they put mayo on your fuckin chicken? Talk about a shitty week going irreparable.

Anonymous said...

As did I.

oscar brenes said...

Something happened like that near a mcd's by myself except the dude died , he came out the mens restroom someone stabbed him in the neck , my mom tried to stop the bleeding and shit and he was alive when we left but NO one at mcd's tried to do shit , eventually they made the guy go outside cause he was bleeding all over the place untill the medics came ,we later found out he died, dunno if his family ended up sueing mcd's or not but i fucking would have it was over 100 degree's out and this guy has a hole in his neck and they made him go sit on the curb

Laura Shamblin said...

I think you handled it pretty well. Got my own fucked up mcd story but not this good.

So, this dumb mother fucker in a new BMW pulls up behind us, a car load of drunk mother fuckers who, for maybe the first time in history, have procured a DD.

We're waiting for our order when this dick starts laying on the horn after approximately 30 seconds. I asked the bitches at mcd's to tell him hold his fuckin horses but of course they did absolutely jack shit about it. After another 30 seconds this dude decides ramming his car into us at low speeds was the answer to getting his fry fix right fucking now.

Well, being a bad bitch and intoxicated I naturally gtfo of the truck to the chorus of screams to stop from my mates. Disregarding my own safety, I step over to his vehicle, and through the sunroof we have the following conversation (of which this is a vague approximation, due to alcohol consumption):

Me: Are you aware you've just hit our vehicle?
Him: *eyes narrowing in hatred and disdain* YEAH BITCH, WHAT?!
M: I see... I'm gonna go out on a fucking limb and guess you're drunk?
H: *eyes widen in obvious fear, realizing what a fucking idiot he is* ......yeah, but...
M: Well guess what shithead, me too but we have a fucking DD, and have already called the cops!

At this point he starts apologizing profusely, mcd employees are hanging out of all three drive through windows, and the 3 cars stacked up behind me are watching this shit happen.

Me: Here's how this is going down. The cops are on their way, and you aren't getting any food tonight. Hope it was worth it asshole!

Fear grips him as he realizes he completely fucked himself, and is trapped in a drive thru with cars on all sides.

Forgetting all sensibility, he attempts to jump the curb in his sporty lil beamer. Much to our amusement, the ground effects under both doors are immediately ripped off 3/4 of the way.

As he peels out of the parking lot, screaming like a mad man, sparks fly from the dragging bits of his car and disappear into the night.

At this point we are some hungry, drunk, pissed off mother fuckers and just wanna get out of this mcdonalds before anything else happens. I let them know to have the cops call us at home if they catch him and we roll the fuck out.

Before we can make it across the street, the cops are calling to have me identify this drunk bastard. "Irate 30-something man, silver bmw, ground effects spewing sparks?? Yep, we got him." In the background I can hear him screaming at the cops and the officer has to let me go to give his buddy back up. I like to imagine this shit stain was tased.

Our car was fine, and we didn't feel like pressing any charges since this guy was going to have a shitty enough life in the future without any help from me.

Moral of the story, don't fuck around and go to jail for some fast food.

Anonymous said...

Lookin' hot J-wun !!

Lacy said...

Chics dig hotties with scars, at least I do..and the story's hot too. You didn't just stand there like a fuckin moron as most would do, that's a real man.

Anonymous said...

Fake as fuck

Anonymous said...

And that's why I read this blog, real ass mofos who ain't afraid to handle a situation!

Cat Gochoco said...

Thats waz up. You stepped up and that's what counts. You have integrity Bro.

Anonymous said...

So basically just a ball hair from how the main kid died in Stand By Me

JerzzeeFresh said...

Sounds like they provide the same type of training for McDonald's employees as they do for kids who volunteer to be test subjects for products that would otherwise be used on rats and chimps. Solid battle scar though. Did they get your order right at least? If that didn't happen I'd have started flipping tables.

Sarah G. said...

I like all the people who talk shit and post as anonymous. If you have big balls to talk shit show your name lol.

Tammi Knott said...

This.

Tammi Knott said...

They should have given you that food!

Ags said...

Hells yes

Christina Carhart said...

Man, I got mugged a couple years ago. I was walking home from the bus stop after work in my Tupac shirt, my hat that said 'Hustla', and fake gold chains, (I know, I know), and some cat jumps out his car and walks up like he needs directions or some shit. Me being the ever helpful lady that I am, smiled and asked him what he needed. That's when he grabbed my purse. We tug o warred that shit for like 3 minutes until, finally, he pulled a wrench out his back pocket and hit me in the face. That's when I was like 'Hell, take my goddamn purse with my phone and my rent money and my I.D. and basically all my life in it. Just don't hurt my beautiful face no more'. As the kid was running back to his car I could here the gang leader/initiator driver of the car say 'She dropped something!Go back and pick it up!' It was my one of my door knocker earrings and my hustler hat, which had fallen off in the struggle. I said, 'That's just my hustla hat! You got my purse! Just move the fuck around already!' That would be the image from that night that stuck with me. Me, a half white half Chicana girl, standing in the middle of the street with one earring on and a bunch of fake gold chains, yelling 'that's just my hustla hat!'.
After I flagged down someone and called the cops, two middle aged drunk white guys walked up and said 'Well, we saw it going down but we thought it was a domestic disturbance and didn't want to be nosy'. What the fuck?! Anyway, that's my 'society don't give a fuck story'.
xoxo
La Pozolera

Danielle T. said...

damn, McD's just brings out the hero in folks these days