Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Advice Column: An Idiot's Guide To Marriage Advice

So here is a problem I got. I'm engaged to be married and I think my girls friend likes me as I feel shit for her when I see her I love my girl don't get me wrong. Her friend is maid of honor though. and tells my girl everything when we talk or I say something on FB or whatever..and my girl goes to her to clam shit down for us when she spends more then she should or were in a fight and her friend will txt or call me.. I could swear she has feelings for me but im uncertain to try or say anything not knowing if she does or would or drop a dime on me keep in mind there pretty close..she is a piece of ass man. the kind you just want to eat everything kind of ass..lol..and tits like bam.and I made a joke to my girl and said for your friends up coming birthday let's do a threesome..and my girl told her and she joked back and my girl as she got off the phone with her said your crazy your mine and would never share you. then dropped it..so i need to know what to do..??(((( FROM ANONYMOUS)))))

Dear Sling Blade,

I am going to try to use the smallest words possible for this response because you are clearly simple. So simple you make Forest Gump look like Albert Einstein. I am going to eat some of my previous words in a second. Could someone hand me the BBQ sauce, so I can at least make them a little bit more yummy? Thanks. Here goes.

Yes, I know I have said time and time again that men are simple creatures, and for the most part they are. But you, my friend, are about as sharp as a bag full of wet marbles. I don’t know how you don’t see what is going on here, but for fuck's sake son, PAY ATTENTION to what I am about to lay out for you. Read this like eleventy-two times before you do anything else, OR ELSE. Trust me. I am a woman and I know how the female brain works, in all of it’s sometimes diabolical glory.

First Question: Are you a pyromaniac? I ask because clearly you are playing with fire and for some reason you seem to like it. Or are not afraid of it. If you can’t keep Captain Winky to just your main bottom bitch, the LAST place you need to think about sticking your wang in your girl’s best friend. Are you familiar with the saying "bros before hoes?" That shit works both ways, kemosabe. You know those "feelings" you are having for your girl’s best friend? It’s probably a raging case of chlamydia, Long-Duck-Dirty-Schlong, not romance, or even lust. That fire in your loins is easily cured with a Z-Pack. I am pretty sure Anonymous has a few extra ones that he will mail to you. Just don’t go to the pharmacy without supervision to get one, 'cus your dumbass would probably get Z-Pack confused with Plan B (I know, sweetie, letters are HARD) and get the wrong fucking thing.

Next Question: You honestly think that your girl’s best friend is dying to snap her off a piece of your Slim Jim? For reals? Goddamnit son, were your repeatedly dropped on your head as a kid? And then had your head slammed in a door? Even if you two are going to ride on the Pound Town Express is all she can think about, most (*disclaimer, I know there are some trifling ass hoes out there that need a brick to the head because they are trifling ass hoes*) women are not about to fuck their bestie’s man. There is a fine line and a girl code that most women (trifling ass hoes need to stop reading here - you know who you are) subscribe to and that is: You don’t fuck your best friend’s boyfriend, fiancé, husband and most of the time, Dad. Exceptions to this rule are: casual fuck buddies and one night stands. Other than that, most women don’t fuck on some O.P.P. And if they do...well, I got some bricks for them.

Final Question: Assuming I am wrong here, and you can go ahead and ask anyone in THE CREW the likelihood of that actually happening, and this bitch does wanna ride you like the fucking tilt-a-world and doesn’t care that you are about to marry her best friend, what makes you think for one second that she is not going tell someone, especially her best friend. Like the night before the wedding when she is all hopped up on foofy drinks and xanax? Only the most diabolical of hoes can keep something like that a secret. Judging from your letter, I am doubtful that I am working with some Angelina Jolie kind of home-wrecking hoe here and more like some bus-stop skank with loose morals and a looser chocha. Oh, and you already told me that these two chicks talk about errrrything. REAL GIRL TALK.

Now that I have said all of the above has it ever occurred to you, Shirley Simple, that you are being set up? That is the first thing I thought when I read your tale of fuckery. Remember when I said, "Women are diabolical?" Yeah, it was like 4 paragraphs above. You think your soon-to-be wifey isn’t setting you up to see if you fail the fidelity test? Maybe you came home one night and your dick smelled like vanilla musk (you know, the universal smell of strippers) and was covered in Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker and your fiancé only wears Tahitian moonlight body spray and Cherry Chapstick. She probably thought to herself, "Awwwww hell naw, this motherfucker is cheating." Then she and her bestie got drunk on a bottle of Boone’s Farm and hatched a plan to catch you with your dick where it don’t belong. And of course she would choose her best friend as the decoy, because in the event you are a man-skank, she wouldn’t want you dipping your pen in just anyone’s ink-hole.

By the way, when a girl says, "You’re crazy, you’re mine and I would never share you," that is girl code for, "I will do things to you that would make Lorena Bobbit blush if you ever so much as look at another piece of pootie-tang." Think before you act, son. Even if you don’t want to think, and just want to fuck on this girl like she is the last piece of new ass you are going to get for the rest of your life, think about what soon-to-be-ex-wifey would do to you, if and when she finds out your stuck your key into HER best friend’s back door. Wait, what?

All kidding aside, if you are trying to fuck on some other poon before you walk down the aisle, maybe you should consider not getting married in the first place. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DIVORCE.

Maybe best friend is the love of your life and you were fated to meet her through your fiancé and she is The One. No, man, I am just kidding. That shit only happens in dumb rom-coms that I watch right before my uterus yells at me for only filling it with Jack Daniels and cock and not a baby. That ain't real life.

Son, you need to get right before you get left. At the altar.



Anonymous said...

Amen, especially on the getting married part. Why exactly do you want to get married so you can get this chick all fired up and the courts all up in your business when you do finally get some extra curricular pussy? It is just a pain in the ass, trust me.

I think you would actually be doing yourself a favor to hit on the best friend. You are thinking it, you want it, just be honest, but be prepared for the consequences. There is a remote possibility it could work out the way you imagined it, or at worst you save yourself getting married.

Unknown said...

Why would you want to sleep with your girls best friend? All the women in the world to cheat with, you so lazy you can't find someone else? Please don't get married, you are not ready.

Take a fucken English class fucko.
p.s. you make me sick!

Jumping Cowcat said...

Intelligence isn't his strong suit hence the painful thing I read that was devoid of correct spelling, grammar and proper use of punctuations.

Anonymous said...

Why the FUCK you want to get married.... seriously. Grow some balls and tell her you aren't ready. Clearly.

SayMyName said...

Love you H-bomb! "Right before my uterus yells at me..." lmao!