Friday, April 5, 2013

The Craigslist Date



The last blind date I went on went from feeling like I was living a nightmare to becoming obsessed with a woman who owned about 20 cats, smelled like mayo and a locker room full of sweaty vaginas, was three times my size, but in the end, gave me a blowjob that I can honestly say, has and IS the best bj I have ever received by any woman or dog who was looking for a little bit of peanut butter. Wait, what?Cat woman definitely gave me a run for my money and for that, I thank her and the manufacturers of Grey Goose vodka. You folks over there at GG really helped a guy out through some tough times.

After the Valentine's Day debacle with my ex and cat woman, I decided I needed to be that guy that J-Wunder and our buddy, The RINGER, once knew. The guy who was slicker than baby oil. Calmer than a dead prostitute. Confident like Kobayashi at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Over a year ago, I thought I was at my prime but that all went to shit when I registered on Match.com, met some fat bitch who looked like an American Yao Ming then fell in love with her mouth. Don't get it twisted, I'm a good looking guy (at least I think so) and have dated many hot broads who gave up the cookie. I guess sometimes a great bj will beat out any bomb ass bitch with looks, 11 out of 10 times. FYI: That's a guy fact that will never be admitted to any woman on this planet. You're welcome.

I had to find ME again. Find the guy who I once was. So what did I do? I posted an ad on Craigslist to find me a hot chick to date or at least get a hi-five from. After searching for a soulmate on Match.com and ending up with one of the extras from Jurassic Park, how could going on Craigslist get any worse, right? Within a week, I got a few responses. And while a majority of these women sounded like they had more baggage than a Southwest flight to New York City, there was one that caught my eye. She was 5'6", brunette, hot as fire and seemed like she pretty much had her shit together. However, being that I was fooled once by Sloth from the Goonies, I asked her to send me 10 photos of herself which made me look like a fucking creep dog. But like a gentleman and non-rapist, I told her my situation and she was cool with my request. We talked a few times, texted for the next week and finally planned a date. Then shit went from great to WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO????

We meet at a cool little spot that wasn't too over the top or romantic - a pub. See, the way I operate is simple. Until you show me you aren't fucking crazy and deranged, then we can wine and dine the right way. I'm not trying to flip the bill on an expensive ass meal if you're planning to do some crazy shit like cut me with broken glass then tell me you're a vampire. Fuck all that. Anyway, where was I? Yes, the date. At the pub...

The night started off pretty smooth. We drank, we laughed, we smiled. We even held hands time and again. I know what you're all thinking..."Damn man, you sound gay as fuck right now! Where's the good shit to your story?" Glad you clowns asked. Bare with me for just a minute.

As the night progressed I started to realize that I was getting my groove back. My nut sack was started to peak it's pretty little head out of my stomach and I was blossoming back to who I was. Then dinner arrived...

You know, I have experienced some pretty interesting and fucked up dates in my life. Some worse than others. But this date was not only interesting, but a first for me. As the waiter set our entrees down in front of us and gave us the good 'ol "bon a petit,"my date took one look at me, smiled, mumbled the words, "Excuse me for a second," then pulled out her four front teeth and set those sons of bitches on the goddamn table. Just chillin'. Staring at me. No fucks were given. Then she started to eat like a homeless person who just got keys to a Subway.

I sat there, motionless. Stoned faced. Wondering what just happened and what went wrong from the time we arrived to the time she took her teeth out and just plopped them on the table as if it were a plate of bread ready to be eaten.

Me: "Um...I don't want to be rude but can I ask why you just decided to take out your teeth and set them on the table while we're eating? Actually, why did you even bother to take them the fuck out?"

Date: "Sorry, I'm just so used to doing that when I'm at home. I lost them while playing softball and don't want to get food stuck in them and be embarrassed if you noticed something while or after we eat."

Me: "Did you not notice me noticing you just took your goddamn teeth out of your mouth and set them on the table? What's next? Are you gonna tell me you're a man?"

Date: "Well, since we're on the topic..."

Me: "Aaaahhh fuck me."

Date: "My procedure will be done in a few weeks."

Me: "Why God? Why, motherfucker? Why?"

Date: "Excuse me?"

Me: "No, excuse me for realizing I'm on a date with a fucking dude who wants to be a chick who has great tits. Gotta be shitting me?! Fuck. This ain't right. Fuck you, Craigslist. You look like a fucking chick though. I mean, you even sound like one. This isn't even To Wong Foo. You don't even have an Adam's apple."

It was right then and there that our fearless leader, J-Wunder, sent me a text.

JW: "Hey fucker, how's your date going? $5 says it's fucked up and that you are going to regret ever putting some shit out there on Craigslist. I told you, I'm more than happy if you have my sloppy seconds bro. LOL. Seriously, let me know how it's going fuckface. Wear a jimmy cap. There's AIDS and shit out there."

Shaking my head at the situation and J's text, I literally got up, went to the bathroom, puked, walked back out, sat down, pounded my beer, looked this she-man right in the eyes and said, "Alright, look. Knowing what I know now and the fact you were being honest about having a penis that is probably bigger than mine, let's just finish up dinner then part ways. Are you sure you aren't fucking with me right now? You can't be a dude. Show me your penis so I know you aren't lying."

For the love of all things holy...why do I put myself in these situations?

People, I'm not going into details. All I'm going to tell you is that the request I asked for, I got. And truth be told, my date did not only have a pair of balls, but a bigger dick than mine.

Laugh it up because I'm at a loss for fucking words.






27 comments:

Anonymous said...

You have to be kidding me? LMFAO!

Anonymous said...

For the love of God man...take the sloppy seconds.

professor funk no. said...

definition of desperate... dummy.

OnTheRoadToRuin said...

It's terrible! I'm laughing hysterically and feeling bad for you all at once. I'm pretty sure my shitty day was made so much better by this...Thank you!

Irked Skirt said...

OMG, you need your own dating reality show! LMAO This is too good!

Anonymous said...

you might be gay if you like oral more than pussy, you're welcome

Anonymous said...

This shit had me weak as fuck! Hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

LMMFAO!! I can't...I just can't!!!!

Anonymous said...

My boss just asked me if I was having a seizure because I'm laughing that hard!! Totally made my day :)

DestinDeya said...

You must have a shit ton of bad karma to burn through. The universe loathes you. lol

Arrt said...

C'mon man. Your how old, been dating how long, and this is only happening now? Sorry it took so long but I'm glad you shared it. That took balls. (yours, not "hers")

Anonymous said...

So you didn't get a blow job then - just for the hell of it.. It could have been awesome.

Anonymous said...

Why is it that transphobia is so openly accepted?

P-Diggity said...

Are you sure didn't have that tranny gum your junk?

Anonymous said...

'murrica

Anonymous said...

huehuiehuehuehueheueeeeeeeeeee
omfg that shit was priceless i so would have loved to have been sitting at the table next to you if i was going to see a movie or some shit after dinner with the better half we could have saved the money cause we would have got dinner with a show hahahahahahahahahhahah

Anonymous said...

I didn't think you could top the Cat Lady stories.... But damn straight you just fuckin' did. Wtf man.... I gotta go get a tissue to wipe the tears off my face

Anonymous said...

Best entertainment on the web. Speechless. LOL!!!

Sectorbob said...

That had me laughing my balls off. Closest I came to the teeth missing thing is when this chick goes to the rest room and when she comes back the left side of her teeth are gone. When she sees me stare she realizes she forgot to stick them back in her mouth. She had them in her pocket but it did chill the date down a bit.

Anonymous said...

Love the page/blog, but I call bullshit. That's more out there than Charlie Murphy's true Hollywood stories!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry when was it not? I would have not reacted with such tact, me in GG's shoes.

Anonymous said...

Can I have his/her #?

Michelle said...

She had a bigger sick, o love it!! I have alot of gay friends I just hope they can get how funny the Whole Thing really is!! Without any disrespect

Alienware Rocker said...

What a horrible story, I just wasted 10 mins of my life and I want it back, but instead I'll respond with:

1. You suck at writing
2. You sound cocky but look at yourself bro
3. You're gay. You asked to see his dick. Seek therapy.
4. How old are you, 13? Stop saying fuck every other word.

Anonymous said...

^^^^hmmmm...for someone who's name is Alienware Rocker, I'm pretty sure you're the guy who lives in his parents basement. Which reminds me...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...SORRY ASS MOTHERFUCKER.

BEST STORY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Aw. Guess its cool to bash on transsexuals? How disappointing. What happened to some simple respect? What if someone reacted to you with such obvious disgust? You can turn people down without degrading them, you know. Shmuck.

Anonymous said...

You're fucking awesome