Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Advice Column: A Man Gotta Get His Groove Back

Dear ghetto genius.

How's it goi.... Fuck the formalities! I need your help man.  I read your column everyday and its fucking great. Hands down. Anyways I'm a 21 year old dude that just got out of a year long soul sucking relationship seeking advice. So here I am by my got damn self with a woody that won't go away and no one to call to help ! Its been a slick minute since I've been laid (same girl for a year + ended 3 weeks ago) and I'm struggling. I gotta get my balls back ! This bitch straight jimmy jacked em from me and left me with jackshit man. Other females don't want anything to do with me now and my friends hardly hit me up now either... Idk what to do.. I'm in a rut that keeps getting bigger.

Please Help !!

- J

Dear Lonesome Dong,

Like I usually state in all my stories and advice columns, there are always RULES. Rules to life, sports, committing crimes, eating and hell...even masturbating.

In your case, there are rules when it comes to dating and break-ups. From the sounds of it, you are running around with a dry spell so bad that your dick is collecting dust. Better use some Pledge for that shit...ain't nobody got time for dust mites, son. Now, just know, 3 weeks ain't shit. Imagine all those motherfuckers that are waiting to get married just to ride the Pound Town Express. Those cats probably got their goods in a goddamn coma. Real talk.

I'm going to break your situation down into two sections. First, let's start off with your friends rarely hitting you up anymore.


NEVER change who you are because of a GIRL or GUY.

Congrats that you found a cool ass chick. She was so fucking cool that you caught a severe case of Vagin-fucking-itis and thought it was in the best interest for you and your girl that YOUR friends play second fucking fiddle. NEWS FLASH: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!! Why? Simple. As much as we all find love and a special bond with someone, our friends are there til we fucking die. Unless they fuck your girl or backstab you in such a way that you want to murder a motherfucker, friends are your friends for a reason. BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. Prior to your girl, you were probably the guy that went out with them all the time. The guy who had more jokes than a goddamn laugh factory. Cue new broad in your life and guess what? You grew a vagina, probably cut ties with hanging with the boys by 87% and more than likely hangout with them only if your girl follows. Shame on you for being a pussy and not having a little independence so you can have guy time to keep you not only sane, but still down for the fellas who have been down for you since day one. Now, I'm not saying that is what went down, but when you tell me that your friends rarely hit you up anymore, I'm 100% positive that's why. You grew victim to Sandy Vaginitis.

So how...how do you get those friends back? More importantly, how do you show them that you are still their boy? First off, be a man and tell them straight up that you're sorry. Sorry for being a pussy whooped mother fucker who thought your girl (who is now an ex) was the only thing you wanted your life to revolve around. Give them the "bro's before hoes" line along with buying the next round of drinks for the next 6 months. Admitting where you went wrong is always a good thing. Especially to guys. Why? Because guys don't hold fucking grudges like broads do. We don't sulk over dumb shit and get over things pretty quickly. Show your boys that you still have a nut sack and that you watch shit like Scarface and 300 and don't cry in the corner while listening to Norah fucking Jones' greatest hits while rubbing baby oil on your wang.

Now that's out of the way, let's move onto your second issue: Females wanting nothing to do with your ragged ass.

RULE #2 WHEN YOU BREAK-UP WITH YOUR GIRL: Don't go looking for a rebound because chances are, especially if you're a guy, you will look desperate, pathetic and the loneliest motherfucker on the goddamn planet.

Women aren't stupid. They know when men are in a relationship. They know when men just got out of a relationship. They got what I like to call a "Dicks Sense". Write that down, motherfucker.

As much as you like to think you don't look or sound desperate around women, there is a 97% chance you do. If the words, "I just got out of a relationship," "I'm just looking to have fun," "I'm lonely," "I need someone to hold me," blah, blah, fucking blah, you will not only look like someone who listens to too much Enya and watches The Notebook over and over, but just downright fucking sad. Sad to the point that not even the fattest, ugliest bitch would ever fuck you. Straight truth.

Women don't want a man who sounds desperate, rather, cool, calm and very collective. They don't want to see the signs of a man who is looking for a "fuck me, handout". If they did, every man would be fucking countless hours of the goddamn day.

You are giving women a reason to put that Dicks Sense to good use. Wake the fuck up and be a man. I'm sorry you ended your relationship after a year but guess what? No one gives a shit. Not your friends or the girls who you are trying to nail...regardless if you're drunk or sober.

What you need to do is find that guy who was that guy before all this relationship shit came into play. I'm sure you're a swell as fuck mister go-getter. No one cares. Anything anyone cares about is someone who is real, isn't desperate and doesn't suffer from Bicockless Disorder. What's Bicockless Disorder you ask? It's when you are a man that turns into a fucking vagina and can't tell the goddamn difference.

Man up. Find that inner dude that existed prior to your relationship. Trust me, you'll be better for it and have your life back in order. AND you'll be fucking in no time.

Godspeed and buy a shovel. You have enough sand in your vagina to make a sand castle, playa.



Anonymous said...

This shit is real talk! So glad you got a book deal! Can't wait, GG.

Unknown said...

Damn,that was a swift kick to the plums. Someone didn't love you enough when you were little did they ? But seriously I needed that. -J (a.k.a lonesome dong)

Anonymous said...

Ur fkn awesome J!

OnTheRoadToRuin said...

Bicockless disorder... I will have to find a way to work that into a conversation this week. Love it!

Anonymous said...

Yo, Lonesome Dong! Consult your local Passion Parties expert. she can discreetly hook you up with some "Toys" to get you through this dry spell, er, bicockless disorder.

Anonymous said...

Hey! What's wrong with listening to Nora Jones and rubbing baby oil on my wang?

Jokerswild said...

Also, it would not hurt you one bit to listen to the ultimate "get over that lying bitch" song on repeat for like a week solid. What song is that you ask?

Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack. That shit is scripture.