Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Advice Column: That Taint Right



Dear J-Wunder The Great,

Love your blog so much! I don't think there are any advice givers that give the real and honest advice you speak of. I honestly think they're too chicken shit to be as real as you. I guess that's why you're loved by many. Congrats on such a huge success with your blog and fan page. But enough about you. I need to let you know why I'm writing you. 

I love sex. Now, before you go off and say that this is just like all the other emails you get, let me finish. I'm 28, single, good looking, independent. A real woman. When I'm with a man, I love doing all sorts of stuff. One of those things being, playing with a man's butthole and the area down there. Seems for all the times I've done it, they have pretty much liked it too. Call me gross but I think it's a huge turn on for me and the men I do it to. However, last week, something I can't believe I'm about to tell you, happened. When I was down there playing and touching with what you call his "cinnamon ring", I decided to go in with a little salad tossing action. Right as I did that with my mouth pretty much wide open, he accidentally farted in my mouth. It was so bad that I puked all over him. 

Long story short, he freaked out, I was crying and basically, we haven't talked since. From talking to his friends and everyone else that knew about it, he wants to redeem himself as do I. So how the heck do I go about it since our last encounter went a little sour?

Keep up the great work,
Salad Shooter



Dear Salad Shooter,

Holy mother fucking Christ on a goddamn cracker. I thought myself, The RINGER and Anonymous got into some fucked up situations. You my dear, take the cake for 2013 so far, sweetheart. Holy fuckety fucking shit. WOW. I can't stop laughing. Seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I love me a freak. One who loves sex, likes to try new things and one who is willing to go the extra mile for their man. You definitely go the extra fucking mile. True damn story.

I'm not all for someone playing with my taint, more importantly, my balloon knot. For those of you people who live in a fucking cave, a balloon knot is the asshole. Also known as the cinnamon ring, goat's eye and my favorite, the cyclops. The reason why I don't like a woman playing with anything past my nut sack is because 1) I got a hairy asshole and I'm not willing to have that shit waxed. I'm a guy and I have guy standards. I'll manscape like a mother fucker around my dong and balls, but if you ask me to do some waxing or beard trimming of the asshole, there's a good chance I'm gonna say "fuck you" then karate chop you in the fucking throat. 2) I know what I eat and drink on a daily and weekly basis. Food and beverages include but are not limited to: Fried food, fast food, an occasional salad, fruit, a shit ton of chips, water, malt liquor, seasonal brews, lots of Guinness, whiskey, vodka, tequila and a wide array of shots.

Now, add all those things up and you know what you get? A very gassy asshole. More importantly, an anus that will concoct something so God awful, that you would think there was a decomposed body lying right underneath your nose. I'm just being real and honest here. I know my body. And from what I know is that if you fuck with Mr. Cyclops on burrito day that includes tons of hot sauce, there is a 100% chance if you go down to Chinatown because you are suddenly feeling "freaky", you will not be very happy and I will more than likely start laughing hysterically with great fear. Ya feel me?

I don't what your sexmate ate that day. What I do know is that you probably surprised him. Correction, you probably surprised his cinnamon ring. And if there is one rule you need to remember when it comes to playing with a dudes butthole, let alone any fucking butthole, it's this: a tense anus, is a dangerous anus. Anything like a cough, tickle or poke to a tense anus is never a good thing. Trust me, I know far too well. I'm the same guy who shit his pants at a work event all because I had a tense asshole and coughed wrong. Don't believe me, check out the story here: Later, Stainer

But I digress...

As you dove right into some salad tossing, I can see why he farted into your mouth. Side note: you're a brave ass bitch. Chicks who usually do some porno shit like that usually ask a dude to take a shower first. I'm betting the house you had no fucks to give and just wanted to get to his black hole because that's how you roll, huh? Kudos...I guess???  Where was I? Oh yeah, him farting in your mouth...

You startled his black hole, he farted in your mouth and you puked all over his wang, balls and body. That shit is fucking disgusting. However, if some broad farted in my mouth, I'd probably do the same shit. No fart in the history of farts has ever smelled great. As for taste, I'm almost positive that shit didn't tastes like Starburst, chocolate or even the finest cheesecake New York City has to offer.

Two things gone wrong. A word hasn't been spoken since. However, redemption is on the minds of you and this guy. The same guy who farted in your mother fucking mouth. I keep saying that because you need to realize that you took a risk and there was no reward. Only dookie fumes that shot out like a missile into the one place where you kiss your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends and those who you like to be a whore with.

I'm so mentally fucked up from your question that I don't even think I have an answer. I can't stop laughing. I've farted about 6 times and I'm two seconds away from making this a webisode while dedicating it all to you. Ok, here is my serious advice that you and the world already know:

Call him. Tell him you're sorry how it all went down. Tell him you're a freak and like to do freaky shit. Apologize two more times. Ask him if you two can go out and start a clean slate. Promise him you won't go for his cinnamon ring...just from the balls up. Make a joke to the extent of, "Pretty crazy how last week went down, huh? I mean, it could have been worse right? You could have shit in my mouth and it would have really been weird." Actually, don't say that. Just pretend nothing happened, stay away from his taint and ass and get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He owes it to you. I mean, mother fucker farted in your goddamn mouth. Sick fuck.

I'm still laughing and I'm not sorry if I didn't help your cause.

J-Wunder

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMFG!!! DY-ING!!!!!

Anonymous said...

That is fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arrt said...

Funny shit!!

Anonymous said...

Crying. Wow. Tears.

Anonymous said...

Holy Fucking SHIT ! Literally. OMG -- I am dying....

Anonymous said...

Top 5 advice columns. Seriously have tears streaming down my face. OMG. Ha!

Anonymous said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so much! Love this so much.

Anonymous said...

This one is awesome enough that we need a follow up to see if your advice worked! Personally I don't see how either one of them could bare to breathe in the same zipcode again.... But who knows... wohld make a hell of a "how I met your mother" story...

Anonymous said...

Trying not to bust out laughing at Subway while reading this is damn near impossible lol

Anonymous said...

For the love of God, please write a book already!!!!

Christopher3712 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chrystal said...

Your columns have had me crying and rolling, but this takes the cake!!! Hysterical!! Best ever!

NanceBotwin said...

LMFAO.....I'm loosing it right now, I'm done.

Cynti828 said...

OMG!!! I can't stop laughing!!! My 13 yr old daughter asked me what's so funny...I couldn't tell her about the guy who farted in some chick's mouth and the time you shit your pants. You are so hilarious, I don't care if she thinks I'm crazy, I'm gonna keep reading your blog and LMAO!!!

Razvan Anghele said...

LMFAO....I'm so fucking amused I could shit rainbows !!

Anonymous said...

Lmao oh my! Lol! I once farted in my man's face while we were 69ing lmao....OK not funny. Poor man lol! He just pushed my ass outta his face & I kept suckin lol! Then we fucked.