The last blind date I went on went from feeling like I was living a nightmare to becoming obsessed with a woman who owned about 20 cats, smelled like mayo and a locker room full of sweaty vaginas, was three times my size, but in the end, gave me a blowjob that I can honestly say, has and IS the best bj I have ever received by any woman or dog who was looking for a little bit of peanut butter. Wait, what?Cat woman definitely gave me a run for my money and for that, I thank her and the manufacturers of Grey Goose vodka. You folks over there at GG really helped a guy out through some tough times.
After the Valentine's Day debacle with my ex and cat woman, I decided I needed to be that guy that J-Wunder and our buddy, The RINGER, once knew. The guy who was slicker than baby oil. Calmer than a dead prostitute. Confident like Kobayashi at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Over a year ago, I thought I was at my prime but that all went to shit when I registered on Match.com, met some fat bitch who looked like an American Yao Ming then fell in love with her mouth. Don't get it twisted, I'm a good looking guy (at least I think so) and have dated many hot broads who gave up the cookie. I guess sometimes a great bj will beat out any bomb ass bitch with looks, 11 out of 10 times. FYI: That's a guy fact that will never be admitted to any woman on this planet. You're welcome.
I had to find ME again. Find the guy who I once was. So what did I do? I posted an ad on Craigslist to find me a hot chick to date or at least get a hi-five from. After searching for a soulmate on Match.com and ending up with one of the extras from Jurassic Park, how could going on Craigslist get any worse, right? Within a week, I got a few responses. And while a majority of these women sounded like they had more baggage than a Southwest flight to New York City, there was one that caught my eye. She was 5'6", brunette, hot as fire and seemed like she pretty much had her shit together. However, being that I was fooled once by Sloth from the Goonies, I asked her to send me 10 photos of herself which made me look like a fucking creep dog. But like a gentleman and non-rapist, I told her my situation and she was cool with my request. We talked a few times, texted for the next week and finally planned a date. Then shit went from great to WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO????
We meet at a cool little spot that wasn't too over the top or romantic - a pub. See, the way I operate is simple. Until you show me you aren't fucking crazy and deranged, then we can wine and dine the right way. I'm not trying to flip the bill on an expensive ass meal if you're planning to do some crazy shit like cut me with broken glass then tell me you're a vampire. Fuck all that. Anyway, where was I? Yes, the date. At the pub...
The night started off pretty smooth. We drank, we laughed, we smiled. We even held hands time and again. I know what you're all thinking..."Damn man, you sound gay as fuck right now! Where's the good shit to your story?" Glad you clowns asked. Bare with me for just a minute.
As the night progressed I started to realize that I was getting my groove back. My nut sack was started to peak it's pretty little head out of my stomach and I was blossoming back to who I was. Then dinner arrived...
You know, I have experienced some pretty interesting and fucked up dates in my life. Some worse than others. But this date was not only interesting, but a first for me. As the waiter set our entrees down in front of us and gave us the good 'ol "bon a petit,"my date took one look at me, smiled, mumbled the words, "Excuse me for a second," then pulled out her four front teeth and set those sons of bitches on the goddamn table. Just chillin'. Staring at me. No fucks were given. Then she started to eat like a homeless person who just got keys to a Subway.
I sat there, motionless. Stoned faced. Wondering what just happened and what went wrong from the time we arrived to the time she took her teeth out and just plopped them on the table as if it were a plate of bread ready to be eaten.
Me: "Um...I don't want to be rude but can I ask why you just decided to take out your teeth and set them on the table while we're eating? Actually, why did you even bother to take them the fuck out?"
Date: "Sorry, I'm just so used to doing that when I'm at home. I lost them while playing softball and don't want to get food stuck in them and be embarrassed if you noticed something while or after we eat."
Me: "Did you not notice me noticing you just took your goddamn teeth out of your mouth and set them on the table? What's next? Are you gonna tell me you're a man?"
Date: "Well, since we're on the topic..."
Me: "Aaaahhh fuck me."
Date: "My procedure will be done in a few weeks."
Me: "Why God? Why, motherfucker? Why?"
Date: "Excuse me?"
Me: "No, excuse me for realizing I'm on a date with a fucking dude who wants to be a chick who has great tits. Gotta be shitting me?! Fuck. This ain't right. Fuck you, Craigslist. You look like a fucking chick though. I mean, you even sound like one. This isn't even To Wong Foo. You don't even have an Adam's apple."
It was right then and there that our fearless leader, J-Wunder, sent me a text.
JW: "Hey fucker, how's your date going? $5 says it's fucked up and that you are going to regret ever putting some shit out there on Craigslist. I told you, I'm more than happy if you have my sloppy seconds bro. LOL. Seriously, let me know how it's going fuckface. Wear a jimmy cap. There's AIDS and shit out there."
Shaking my head at the situation and J's text, I literally got up, went to the bathroom, puked, walked back out, sat down, pounded my beer, looked this she-man right in the eyes and said, "Alright, look. Knowing what I know now and the fact you were being honest about having a penis that is probably bigger than mine, let's just finish up dinner then part ways. Are you sure you aren't fucking with me right now? You can't be a dude. Show me your penis so I know you aren't lying."
For the love of all things holy...why do I put myself in these situations?
People, I'm not going into details. All I'm going to tell you is that the request I asked for, I got. And truth be told, my date did not only have a pair of balls, but a bigger dick than mine.
Laugh it up because I'm at a loss for fucking words.
I had to find ME again. Find the guy who I once was. So what did I do? I posted an ad on Craigslist to find me a hot chick to date or at least get a hi-five from. After searching for a soulmate on Match.com and ending up with one of the extras from Jurassic Park, how could going on Craigslist get any worse, right? Within a week, I got a few responses. And while a majority of these women sounded like they had more baggage than a Southwest flight to New York City, there was one that caught my eye. She was 5'6", brunette, hot as fire and seemed like she pretty much had her shit together. However, being that I was fooled once by Sloth from the Goonies, I asked her to send me 10 photos of herself which made me look like a fucking creep dog. But like a gentleman and non-rapist, I told her my situation and she was cool with my request. We talked a few times, texted for the next week and finally planned a date. Then shit went from great to WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO????
We meet at a cool little spot that wasn't too over the top or romantic - a pub. See, the way I operate is simple. Until you show me you aren't fucking crazy and deranged, then we can wine and dine the right way. I'm not trying to flip the bill on an expensive ass meal if you're planning to do some crazy shit like cut me with broken glass then tell me you're a vampire. Fuck all that. Anyway, where was I? Yes, the date. At the pub...
The night started off pretty smooth. We drank, we laughed, we smiled. We even held hands time and again. I know what you're all thinking..."Damn man, you sound gay as fuck right now! Where's the good shit to your story?" Glad you clowns asked. Bare with me for just a minute.
As the night progressed I started to realize that I was getting my groove back. My nut sack was started to peak it's pretty little head out of my stomach and I was blossoming back to who I was. Then dinner arrived...
You know, I have experienced some pretty interesting and fucked up dates in my life. Some worse than others. But this date was not only interesting, but a first for me. As the waiter set our entrees down in front of us and gave us the good 'ol "bon a petit,"my date took one look at me, smiled, mumbled the words, "Excuse me for a second," then pulled out her four front teeth and set those sons of bitches on the goddamn table. Just chillin'. Staring at me. No fucks were given. Then she started to eat like a homeless person who just got keys to a Subway.
I sat there, motionless. Stoned faced. Wondering what just happened and what went wrong from the time we arrived to the time she took her teeth out and just plopped them on the table as if it were a plate of bread ready to be eaten.
Me: "Um...I don't want to be rude but can I ask why you just decided to take out your teeth and set them on the table while we're eating? Actually, why did you even bother to take them the fuck out?"
Date: "Sorry, I'm just so used to doing that when I'm at home. I lost them while playing softball and don't want to get food stuck in them and be embarrassed if you noticed something while or after we eat."
Me: "Did you not notice me noticing you just took your goddamn teeth out of your mouth and set them on the table? What's next? Are you gonna tell me you're a man?"
Date: "Well, since we're on the topic..."
Me: "Aaaahhh fuck me."
Date: "My procedure will be done in a few weeks."
Me: "Why God? Why, motherfucker? Why?"
Date: "Excuse me?"
Me: "No, excuse me for realizing I'm on a date with a fucking dude who wants to be a chick who has great tits. Gotta be shitting me?! Fuck. This ain't right. Fuck you, Craigslist. You look like a fucking chick though. I mean, you even sound like one. This isn't even To Wong Foo. You don't even have an Adam's apple."
It was right then and there that our fearless leader, J-Wunder, sent me a text.
JW: "Hey fucker, how's your date going? $5 says it's fucked up and that you are going to regret ever putting some shit out there on Craigslist. I told you, I'm more than happy if you have my sloppy seconds bro. LOL. Seriously, let me know how it's going fuckface. Wear a jimmy cap. There's AIDS and shit out there."
Shaking my head at the situation and J's text, I literally got up, went to the bathroom, puked, walked back out, sat down, pounded my beer, looked this she-man right in the eyes and said, "Alright, look. Knowing what I know now and the fact you were being honest about having a penis that is probably bigger than mine, let's just finish up dinner then part ways. Are you sure you aren't fucking with me right now? You can't be a dude. Show me your penis so I know you aren't lying."
For the love of all things holy...why do I put myself in these situations?
People, I'm not going into details. All I'm going to tell you is that the request I asked for, I got. And truth be told, my date did not only have a pair of balls, but a bigger dick than mine.
Laugh it up because I'm at a loss for fucking words.
