Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Advice Column: Mom Is the Mayor of Cougartown

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

My mom just joined Facebook and I think she is trying to hit on one of my friends from college. She’s been constantly talking about him and plays it off like it’s no big deal, but should I be concerned?

Dear Mrs. Robinson's Son,


But only if she is being all Rapey McRaperstein about it. If she is baking cookies in a shortie robe, with no panties on, with her gray Don King bush hanging out, put the kibosh on that shit before I lose my goddamn cookies just thinking about that. And tell your friend to invest in some eye bleach, because old ass snatch covered in skunk pubes is some shit you can NEVER unsee. REAL TALK. However, if she is just engaging in some harmless and obviously shameless flirting, then let Saggy Tits Magee have some fun. She gave you the gift of life, so don't be cock-blocking on your moms trying to kick some game at your friend. That's just fucking rude, son.

You know the old saying, "the darker the berry the sweeter the juice?" WRONG. It is, "the older the berry the sweeter the juice." You never know, your friend could be all about trying to pick your mom's overly ripe fruit and tasting her rainbow. Let your friend eat your mom's Skittles if that is what he is all about. Don't get me wrong, I think geriatric sex is 50 shades of mother fucking disgusting, but you know what? Maybe your friend likes his pootie a little pruney. Who are we to judge? Fools like to fuck. Some just like way older bitches.

I can't lie - the older I get, the better sex gets. I don't know if with age and wisdom also comes (pun intended) a more powerful sexual knowledge, but whatever the fuck it is, sex has gotten a-FUCKING-mazing since I turned 30. And I used to have some pretty banging sex in my 20's, but what I am having now is making the paint peel of the walls. I can't even imagine what it would be like in your 50's and beyond, especially now with all the shit men and women can take so that they can heat up the oven and make sure the cake is ready to stick in. Are you keeping up with my little baking metaphor, Pony Boy? There is now a pill to make sure her oven stays hot and to make sure his cake rises. We clear?

Here's a little Ghetto Genius fun fact: 80% of people between the ages 50-90 are sexually active, and your moms is just trying to keep up with the other slutty old chicks. Typical Tuesday for her is probably a little dinner at 4:30, a little Murder She Wrote, maybe some Walker, Texas Ranger because that's what gets her cookie moist. 7 O'Clock rolls around and it's time for her to get a little slap and tickle and lights out at 9:30. Actually that shit sounds like the business to me. Discounts on dinner and booze, Chuck Norris and then Fuck Norris. More like fuck yes, mother fucker. Damn, old people got it good. I can't WAIT til I get them saggy 'ol titties smelling like Chanel Number Convalescent Home, getting my freak on. Wait, what?

Back to the lesson at hand. I know lots of men who are all about getting cougar'd, puma'd, ocelot'd, or whatever other animal means "freaky-deaky old chick who likes a young conductor for her ride on the P.T.E." It's not just a fetish (although for some it is), that is just what some dudes are down for. Just Google "cougar woman" and see what the fuck is up with that. Shit gets REAL. Remember, some men like big ass titties, some like onion butts and some like Judi Dench. If your friend is not complaining about your mom trying to holler at him, then don't worry about what the fuck your mom is doing either. These are grown ass people doing grown ass people business. You should probably spend less time worrying about where they are putting what and more time thinking about where you are going to stick it next, besides your hand-hole. PS - Stop acting like a little whiny bitch. You will never get pussy that way. Fuckmouth.



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

EYYYYY! Judi Dench is cold haha, and Helen Mirren old ass is bad too, but my girl is Meryl Streep! I would love to get me some o dat 'Chanel Number Convalescent Home' haha

L-Train said...

"Chuck Norris and then Fuck Norris"???

Coffee all over my white pants. Fucker!

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris, Fuck Norris. Chanel Number Convalescent Home. I can die happy now.