Advice Column: Here's To You, Miss Robinson!

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

I am a divorced 32 year old mother of two. I am infatuated with the 18 year old maintenance man's son. I am not looking to find my kids a daddy or myself a husband. I just want to have some fun. My question is; is it wrong for a 32 soon to be 33 year old woman to sleep with an 18 year old man?? 



Dear Ain't Nobody got Time for a Salutation,

Hi, I am H-Bomb. How the fuck are you doing? Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let's fucking do this shit.

I know, I know, y'all haven't heard from me in a hot minute. I may have even become fodder for a game of dead, jail, or rehab. Alas, my hiatus was nothing more than life getting in the way of fuckery, but I got that shit on lock and 'ol H-Bomb is about to start kicking it old school and wrecking shit on all your issues. And I know you motherfuckers got issues. I read the comments. I seent it.

So, little miss Cougar Tits got her honkers in a bind, cus she wants to fuck on the no-no bits of the maintenance man's son, aka, the gardener's boy. Cliche as fuck, sure. But, the truth of the matter is bitches need dick or bitches go cray. It's an irrefutable fact that I can back up with 100% certainty, as a bitch who goes cray when she doesn't get the dick.

You got 2 kids and the wrong kind of Big D? Someone get this woman some good dick, stat, before she loses her goddamn mind and becomes another statistic of a suburban ex-housewife gone butt-booty-crazy. How, pray tell, would I know you are the Mayoress of Suburbia and the Princess of The PTA? Cus I am a motherfucking snoop, yo. No, not Snoop Doggy Dogg; but I am nosy as fuck and I like to do my research on the magical internets.

See, when you send ya boy an email and he forwards it to me with his usual, "Yooooooooooooo, this is you, bitch. Put your scotch down and handle this," I see your email address and sometimes even your name. Quick search on FaceBook, in between my usual CornHub (did you see that shit on April Fool's Day? HILARIOUS) and online shopping nonsense, and I found you, saw some pics and got a feel for who the fuck this Cougar of the Cul De Sac really is. Guess what PumaPuss? You are not too shabby! I would knock the dust off your beaver, if you ever wanted to swing that way. Don't worry, 1 year away from To Catch A Predator, I am not going to divulge your identity. Your secret is safe with me, Ivanna Humpalot. But, on the reals, you are a hot piece of ass and I think you have a chance of riding the Pound Town Express all the way to Cougartown!

To be a Cougar or not to be Cougar? That is the question.

Be. A. Fucking. Cougar.

I know, I shocked the shit out of everyone with that answer. On the reals though, get yours. Get it in a house. Get it with a mouse. Get it in your box. Get it with the young Fox. You say he is the maintenance man's son? Sounds like he knows how to handle a hoe, then. Like Ghandi said, "Be the Hoe you want to see in the world."

Ghandi, Ron Jeremy, whatever. Don't let his age get to you either, Beaverella. If he is old enough to serve our great country, he is old enough to serve that fine coochie. Old enough to set the table, old enough to cum to dinner. And on dinner. And in her. I hope at this point I have made it abundantly clear: Fuck bitches, get youngins! Just remember to wrap before you slap, lest he has the clap. This is not the 80s and STD's are for teens humping in cars and old people fucking in the nursing home. Clap on, Clap off. No Clappers!!!

"BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT?" I know sweet tits, you are mom and a fine, upstanding, pillar of the community who wants to see some 18 year old's 'pillar of the community.' It's a risk, and the other PTA Putas could be find out you are a harlot who wants to get her cookie eaten like the last supper. I get it. I too have to live a double life; that of a person who is respected in the community and deals with fancy fucks all day long, but also longs to get filled out like an application by the pool boy. The older/younger fantasy works for like 99.9% of the free world. Every woman has lusted after some young stud, and every dirty old man, is well, a dirty old man. Deal with it. And if someone has some shit to say to you about getting your o-glow from the barely legal boy, please direct them to this link: 

Flash Furniture

Then, buy them this chair and tell them to take a fucking seat, shut the fuck up, and if they want to stay and watch you hump your hottie, to pop some popcorn and enjoy the show! You good? Yeah, I think we are done here.

This shit is waaaay too easy,

H-Bomb

Advice Column: How To Go Jobless & Not Blow Jobless

Dear J-Wunder,

I need a little bit of advice on what to get my boyfriend for our anniversary (1 year, next week - so excited!). I've been asking my friends and family what they think, but the problem is that they don't approve of our relationship.  My mom suggested that I just give him cash because that's what I've been doing since I had my unemployed boyfriend move into my condo that I pay the mortgage for. OUCH, right?!  He has been complaining about how he has gained weight since we moved in together, but getting him a gym membership makes it sound like I have a problem with him putting on a few extra pounds, in reality I like it.  I was then thinking since he also complains about his clothes not fitting, maybe I'd get him a gift card to The Gap or something, but that feels impersonal.  Last problem is that we don't have that much in common and he is 8 years younger than me (I'm 30, he is 22) so I'm hoping that you can help me out with something all guys would like. He is really great, I promise!

Sincerely,
Cougar in Seattle



Dear Cougar in Seattle,

My oh my, little lady.  Grrrr...

You know what your little boy toy needs for your one year anniversary? A motherfucking JOB sweet thang.  J-O-B. Fuck giving him clothes, money and all that other bullshit. Tell that lazy sack of shit to take a shower, get a haircut, shave, put on some pants that are the closest thing to slacks (because we all know recent college grads don't own "grown-up" clothes), a tie and go find his ass a goddamn job.  What you can do on your part, is help him use the internet to find those jobs.

You're 30 fucking years old. Got a good ass job. Own a condo. Probably fine as hell too. Life is good right? Fuck no it ain't. You wanna know why? It's pretty simple...

You're dating a guy who thinks a degree is just graduating high school. Motherfucker has no motivation. He's bumming off of you. Eats for free. Lives for free. Has no inclination what a fucking utility bill is. Watches all the pay-per-view a 22 year old could ever dream of (this includes every porn channel). Doesn't clean. Doesn't cook. Jacks off on all your socks and hand towels. Gets awesome blow jobs on your couch while holding a Bud Light, watching SportsCenter and stroking your hair three times a week. Has sex with you on your bed, in your kitchen...even in the laundry room. He eats.  He sleeps. He shits. He has sex. He's living the fucking dream. All on your goddamn dime.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Congrats that you've been dating a free loading soon-to-be-fat guy for almost a year. Seriously.  Congrats on finding a man that has a girlfriend for a mom. But is hotter. With bigger and nicer tits.  And gives great blow jobs. This is a match made in heaven. Just think...by June when you are almost broke and you guys go on that glamorous Hawaiian vacation you refinanced your condo for, he will be 300 pounds, still jobless and asking you for $20 so he can go play at the fucking arcade. Awesome.

C'mon you hot piece of ass...snap the fuck out of it! You know if you stay with this guy any longer what could happen?

1) He'll keep living off you for free.
2) He'll get fatter. He's obviously on his way.
3) He'll start demanding more shit which means more work for you, less work for him.
4) You'll start fucking less, sucking dick more.
5) You'll be broke.

22 years old and is living the dream. Think about that. When you were 22, what were you doing?  That's right, working motherfucker. Trying to make it to the top so you didn't have to worry about someone else supporting you. Why you're with him, I have no clue. But if I were to guess, a 30 year old like yourself dating a man 8 years younger only means one thing. This dude has a cock the size of a goddamn bull. I'm talking Seabiscuit status, right? He must lay his pipe down on you in ways that make you speak Chinese Ebonics. I'm a guy and I know when chicks date dudes for their big ass dong and nothing else.

So if that's the case, remember this. His cock is good for a limited time only. And while you do your thing and he gets fatter, the farther his stomach expands, the less cock you get to experience. Let me ask you a question:

You ever give a fat dude a blow job? Have you ever fucked a fat fucker? You are messing with a man who is about to get some Dicdu. It's a term you should never want your man to have and he's on his way.

So what should you get him for your anniversary? Fuck him til his face turns blue then tell him to take a hike.  

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder

Advice Column: Thirty Five Is The New Black

Why is it that younger guys are interested in older women, I'm feeling the same way the 43 yr old is but I'm 35. I've just been hit up by guys in their 20s.  I'm thinking about caving.  Interested to hear a man's opinion.  I couldn't go 9 yrs, I've gone 7 months getting out of a really shitty marriage.

Dear Puma,

I know you said you wanted a man's opinion and that's really swell and all, but tough titty, Senorita. You are gonna get this woman's opinion/advice. Now, before you get all chapped-cookie on J-Wunder for farming out your little ramble on to me, let's get some things clear:

1 - I am a newly ordained minister. That's right, a member of the clergy. See how I used member there? Exactafuckingmundo. 

2 -  I have probably been with more women than J-Wunder and more dudes than you. I know, a member of the clergy and a frequent rider on the P.T.E? How does that make sense? Trust me sweet tits, it just fucking does.

3 - I have two older brothers, so I spent most of my life studying them and the lengths they would go for the sweet poontang. Because I was like fucking Jane Goodall and they are my Gorrillas in the Mist, I now think like them, speak like them, and even act like them. This will all make sense in a few moments, cookie-puss. WAIT FOR IT.

Now that we have established my credentials as an expert witness to what I am about to testify, let me break this shit down for you like a 1990 Yugo.

Men like women who are older mainly because they like a bitch who knows what the fuck is up. Have you ever read my advice columns where I have said that men are simple creatures? Yeah, that shit applies here. Big FUCKING time.  

Sure, there are men who like to have dalliances with a little Tinkerbell looking/acting bitches, because they are fun to have bounce on their dick for a while. After she plays on the dick likes it's a bounce house, he deflates it, packs that shit up, and moves on to the next party.

The next party being you.

Dudes are sniffing around your cooter because you are giving off something that a chick in their 20's doesn't typically exude: confidence. Now, don't go confusing confidence with arrogance. There is a difference between thinking your shit don't stank and knowing your shit don't stank. Most women in their 30's know their shit don't stank, but more importantly they know why. They aren't looking for a man to buy them shit, pay their way, call them 22 times a fucking hour or any of that 90210 kind of bullshit. They say who, they say when, and they say how fucking much. 

Younger men like older women because they are low-pro kinda hoes. Most of them aren't looking to go to the club every fucking night, or be out til all fucking hours of the morning. Nah, chicks in their 30's ain't got time for that. They want to hang out, chillax and then fuck you like they got some dirty drugs at the club and have been out all night. But the trick is, they don't need the drugs anymore. They just need someone who knows the way around some breasteses.

Women in their 30's bring a lot to the fucking table. Sometimes it's baggage, sometimes it's experience. Most of the time the baggage equates to good experience for the lady, and inturn, a good experience for the man. Also, a lot of men would rather take some baggage/experience/wisdom over youth/inexperience/lack of general life skills/knowledge. And if guys are all over you like dollar bills on a g-string at a strip club, then you know that I know that you know what I am talking about. See, now you are even thinking like a dude. Welcome to the fucking party.

Oh, and did I mention I will be 34 in November? Yeah, boo, I am speaking from actual fucking experience here.

Sure, there are Ocelots looking for their Cougar because they have some mommy issues and want to be "nurtured". Some might even just be on the snatch hunt. Some might be looking to make you the future ex-Mrs. Ocelot. Whatever the case may be, snap that dude up, Cougartown! Lay him like linoleum and you can probably walk on him forever - not in the proverbial sense, but more along the lines of a young man who is laid proper will act proper, if you catch my fucking drift.

I am not sure what all that gobbledy-gook at the end was about waiting 9 years was, but if you are 7 months out of a shitty marriage, you shouldn't be waiting 9 minutes before you pounce, kitty-cat. Do you a favor, do your hoo-dilly-cha-cha a favor, and let one of these young bucks pet your kitty-cat. I bet he can make that kitty ME-FUCKING-OW. But you can show him what makes kitty purr.

Before you go to bed tonight, you must pray the rosary of Inside the Mind of a Ghetto Genius 5 times, say 10 Our J-Wunders and 10 Hail H-Bombs. Once you have done so, you will be absolved of all your sins.

Go in peace and love, my Cougar.

Her Holiness, H-Bomb 

Advice Column: Mom Is the Mayor of Cougartown

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

My mom just joined Facebook and I think she is trying to hit on one of my friends from college. She’s been constantly talking about him and plays it off like it’s no big deal, but should I be concerned?



Dear Mrs. Robinson's Son,

Fuck.Yes.

But only if she is being all Rapey McRaperstein about it. If she is baking cookies in a shortie robe, with no panties on, with her gray Don King bush hanging out, put the kibosh on that shit before I lose my goddamn cookies just thinking about that. And tell your friend to invest in some eye bleach, because old ass snatch covered in skunk pubes is some shit you can NEVER unsee. REAL TALK. However, if she is just engaging in some harmless and obviously shameless flirting, then let Saggy Tits Magee have some fun. She gave you the gift of life, so don't be cock-blocking on your moms trying to kick some game at your friend. That's just fucking rude, son.

You know the old saying, "the darker the berry the sweeter the juice?" WRONG. It is, "the older the berry the sweeter the juice." You never know, your friend could be all about trying to pick your mom's overly ripe fruit and tasting her rainbow. Let your friend eat your mom's Skittles if that is what he is all about. Don't get me wrong, I think geriatric sex is 50 shades of mother fucking disgusting, but you know what? Maybe your friend likes his pootie a little pruney. Who are we to judge? Fools like to fuck. Some just like way older bitches.

I can't lie - the older I get, the better sex gets. I don't know if with age and wisdom also comes (pun intended) a more powerful sexual knowledge, but whatever the fuck it is, sex has gotten a-FUCKING-mazing since I turned 30. And I used to have some pretty banging sex in my 20's, but what I am having now is making the paint peel of the walls. I can't even imagine what it would be like in your 50's and beyond, especially now with all the shit men and women can take so that they can heat up the oven and make sure the cake is ready to stick in. Are you keeping up with my little baking metaphor, Pony Boy? There is now a pill to make sure her oven stays hot and to make sure his cake rises. We clear?

Here's a little Ghetto Genius fun fact: 80% of people between the ages 50-90 are sexually active, and your moms is just trying to keep up with the other slutty old chicks. Typical Tuesday for her is probably a little dinner at 4:30, a little Murder She Wrote, maybe some Walker, Texas Ranger because that's what gets her cookie moist. 7 O'Clock rolls around and it's time for her to get a little slap and tickle and lights out at 9:30. Actually that shit sounds like the business to me. Discounts on dinner and booze, Chuck Norris and then Fuck Norris. More like fuck yes, mother fucker. Damn, old people got it good. I can't WAIT til I get them saggy 'ol titties smelling like Chanel Number Convalescent Home, getting my freak on. Wait, what?

Back to the lesson at hand. I know lots of men who are all about getting cougar'd, puma'd, ocelot'd, or whatever other animal means "freaky-deaky old chick who likes a young conductor for her ride on the P.T.E." It's not just a fetish (although for some it is), that is just what some dudes are down for. Just Google "cougar woman" and see what the fuck is up with that. Shit gets REAL. Remember, some men like big ass titties, some like onion butts and some like Judi Dench. If your friend is not complaining about your mom trying to holler at him, then don't worry about what the fuck your mom is doing either. These are grown ass people doing grown ass people business. You should probably spend less time worrying about where they are putting what and more time thinking about where you are going to stick it next, besides your hand-hole. PS - Stop acting like a little whiny bitch. You will never get pussy that way. Fuckmouth.


C'est-la-mother-fucking-vie.
H-Bomb

Not the response he was looking for from mom...

It Can't Get Any Worse, Can It?