Friday, May 24, 2013

Advice Column: The Poker

Dear J-Wunder,

Let me first start by saying that I'm a big fan of Facebook. But my Facebook activities are limited to what Facebook is meant for, stalking people. Facebook has failed in a major way (besides Farmville, of course) with their "poke" function. When someone "pokes" you, to me, it should mean one thing: You want to have sex with me. Now you may say I'm dirty, but remember, Facebook was created and made HUGE by a big group of college kids, so, Poking = Fucking. Plain and simple.

Fast forward about 6 years, Facebook has opened it's doors to anyone who has an email address; this includes Grandparents, Priests, Pedophiles, 12 year old boys, and my Uncle Larry. To them, poking doesn't have the same connotation. Some think it's a friendly "hello" or them trying to be obnoxious (think back to when you were 7 years old). But godfuckingdammit, Uncle Larry, don't poke me on my birthday. There is only one kind of poking I want on my birthday, and it's not from you. And to my good friend from High School, the poking war that's been going on since 2007 has got to fucking end.  When I get a notification that I've been "poked" on Facebook, it better fucking be from someone hot... I'm sick of getting my hopes up.

So in conclusion, stop poking me, unless you really mean it.

Poked Out

Dear Poked Out,

Well shit, rock out with your cock out mang! But in your case, rock out with your va-gi-na out?  Anyway, you brought up some very amazing, hysterical but very true points my friend. Anyone that has attended college (Go Cal Poly!), even Mormons, know that Poking = Fucking (BTW - I am a connoisseur of boning). And what college student did not like to get their mother fucking freak on, yaddadamean?!

I hear you about the poking. I remember when I got my first poke on Facebook, it was from a very, very unattractive girl who I thought could contract herpes from looking like Sloth from the movie, "Goonies". True story. I got the "poke" message and the first thing I thought was, "Damn, this bitch wants to get down, huh? No thanks. Is there an ignore or response button?" From that moment, the pokes didn't end...oh, no. All of the sudden, my ass was getting poked from all angles. From all sexes, all ages. What is this shit with the poking? I realized it was just a game. And it really wasn't about wanting to get fucked or seduced in some weird way. A stupid fucking game that people with no lives or no "real" jobs play...DAILY! This includes your Uncle fucking Larry.

I understand your concern because there are thousands, maybe even fucking millions of users like yourself that have these same thoughts of "poking" should mean fucking. I bet if you were to do a survey with 10,000 people and ask them, "If you were to get a message that said <name> has poked you, what do you think that would mean?" 79.632% would say, "It means <name> wants to fuck me." If this is the case, then J-Wunder has a wonderful fucking solution. 

From this day forward, I declare that our man, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, and his nerdy ass staff, design a "fuck me poke" application. Doing this will create the following: 1) Tons of sex, 2) Get the shy people of the world to actually say, "Yeah, I really want to fuck your hot little ass. Now "fuck me poke" back bitch.", 3) Unite every single person that has sexual tendencies to go out and speak their mind to anyone they damn well please, 4) Get those nerdy virgins more Steve Urkel ass than they could ever fucking imagine, 5) Facebook orgies. 

That's my story. Fuck yeah. You're Welcome.

P.S. - Please do me a huge favor, your friend that has been poking you since 2007...yeah, please tell him or her to have sex with someone or this point, anything. I say this in all seriousness because that shit ain't funny, and doing some stupid shit like that for 3 years could get a mother fucker killed. Just sayin'.




Anonymous said...

This is by far one of the greatest things I have ever read....

Jumping Cowcat said...

good way to kill the poking.....dont poke back. I stopped that shit. Yep, they all waiting for a poke back. NOPE.

Anonymous said...

WTF is that about? ^^^
Anyway, good solution J-W. I am one of those shy types, but I could manage to hit that "fuck-me-poke" button and see what happens. I always interpreted the poke depending on who sent it. I definitely know when it's meant to be a "lets fuck" type vs the uncle larry type.

Anonymous said...

Prime did it (a condom brand):

"Prime tells you who wants to fuck you"