Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Advice Column: Wonder Why They Call You Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

Well in addition to the Facebook friend drama, I have a co-worker who is a bitch to me and was a FB friend when I first met her but I deleted her and all my other co-workers and other people I know that know her. This girl is a damn bully at work I couldn't even compare her to anyone that was a bully at school. So I deleted her because I'm tired of her shit!

I got a promotion at work about 8 months ago which bumped me up 4 step higher than her and I was at the same level well ever since I've gotten only racial slurs and comments about her hurting me like "I will cut you, I will knock you down, I will push you down, I will hurt you etc and she just says these comments randomly so this whole time I've let her talk shit to me I stayed quit and I really wish I could fuck her up but I'm not going to lose my job over her

My friends can't believe I stay quite since I am quite a loud mouth and I never know how to comment back in a professional way. I just wonder why the bitch didn't get the point that when I deleted her I didn't appreciate her fN comments at work. She still kept telling me shit and threw candy at me every now and then and while she was throwing it at me she says "you only get one because your a Mexican". WTF is that supposed to mean!? Anyway still at work with anger over that bitch and I can't get shit done because it's constant shit talking to me. Fucken fatter ugly hairy face bitch!

Well Dear Abby what do you think?

4 Steps Higher

Dear 4 Steps Higher,

Before I begin my sermon..."Dear Abby," really? Bitch, I will cut you. Not cool. But seriously, calm the fuck down woman. When you are all amped up like you are now, please don't write shit down. If you do, please do me a huge fucking favor and use spell check next time. I couldn't understand half the shit you were saying since you were using run-on sentences like a mother fucker. It was like your enemy was in the room as your were typing this out, and not giving two shits how it read. Luckily, I have some people that know how to translate angry, so you're good. Now take a deep breath girl because J-Wunder has the answers you're looking for.

The problem with Facebook nowadays is that it can cause a lot of unwanted and unneeded tension between people. A good example of this is when couples or friends decide to air out their dirty laundry and choose not to talk about it like adults, rather, have Facebook status wars like little fucking bitches.  If I only had a chiseled toothbrush to shank those people with.

The other example is like your situation. The feud with that overweight, bearded fucking lady. The Facebook unfriend. Is it common? Of course. Is there usually tension afterwards? No doubt. I call that anger or tension when someone loses a Facebook friend, one word - BITCHASSNESS! What is Bitchassness you say?

Urban Dictionary defines it as: "Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade."

In other words, the Lochness monster you work with has been diagnosed with a severe case of BitchAssNess! In any event, don't fret. It's hard to walk away when people with this complex keeping jabbing at you, but it's ignorant peeps like this that do what they do, to try to get under your skin.

Now as for the comments of her wanting to "cut you, kill you, and knock you down" as well as the candy throwing and racial slurs? Well, that just calls for a bitch to get beat the fuck up or chopped with two hands in the goddamn throat. Let her talk all the shit she wants at work because she knows she can.  After business hours, you need to beat that ass. Seriously. I'm not endorsing an ass whooping, I'm just recommending it. You ever hear that quote, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? Live by those words. Kindness is King...until  a mother fucker gets caught slippin'.

Now that I think of it, what you could do is pretty simple. Start becoming all chum-chum with her.  She'll trip out and wonder what the fuck is going on with your Zen attitude. When she thinks everything is cool, invite her out for drinks.  If she accepts, here's what you do:

- Buy her drinks, all night.  If this means you drop $100, do it.
- Buy some Colonetix and put that shit in her drink when she's not looking. I'm actually serious.
- Get her fucking wasted. I'm talking blacked out, falling over, about to puke and piss herself, wasted.

You probably noticed that second line item with something called Colonetix. Don't worry, the shit ain't roofies. It's better. Imagine having really bad diarrhea and trying to undo your pants while trying to open a slippery ass door handle to the shitter. No bueno. Bowel movements can be uncontrollable at times. So much, that, well, you could shit yourself. Bingo. That brings us to the point of Colonetix.

Someone "passed-out wasted" that has consumed their fair share of this stuff will probably do one thing. Shit and shit a ton (like 20 pounds of waste - true story). So much, that they have a 98% chance of shitting themselves before ever making it to the toilet. In their bed or on their way to the pooper.  Imagine giving yourself an enema and trying to hold it in your poop shoot for 2 minutes. You can't (trust me, I've tried...don't judge. it was a bet I took.). It would hurt so bad that your ass cheeks would start to shake uncontrollably and would force themselves to open, creating Mud Fuji for days. You want to talk about cleaning your system out, this will do it. 

Is this justified? Fuck yes it is. Could it work? Absolutely. Are you a bad person for doing it? Last I checked, you aren't killing any one. Is this payback? No. It's a lesson that needs to be taught without teaching it to Big Foot directly.

Nothing will be more rewarding if you do this and you notice that your Circus Sideshow of a co-worker has come into work 20 pounds lighter, days later because she thought she got the flu. Trust me.

Now, some people may think this advice is straight up stupid and just off the wall random. Although that may be true, try it sometime to someone you want to give payback to. I did exactly this, and you know what? Not only did it work like a charm, put a big ass smile on my face but it showed them that no matter how bad ass they think they are...trying to control something that is out of their control can sometimes ruin you. And your pants. BA-LEED DAT!!!!!

You're welcome.

Make sure she wears white pants or a skirt...it makes it that more rewarding,



KoolEMac said...

J Wunder you are sooooo cool! Lol I love y'all man

Caroline smith said...

Naw.... Why us the quiet allowing this subservient hag to hassle her? Why da fuck is this leperous hoe even allowed to toss candy at you and you ain't whipped it back full speed at her face?
Racial slurs? Written complaint on her file, paper trail! Each time she says something offensive, time and place that shit on paper. Three strikes and the bitch is out!
Now that is solid advice. We teach people how to treat us. Time to change the rules!!!!

Anonymous said...

Fuck all that shitty advice, this is about getting even......make her shit herself....Fuck all the "im gonna tell" teach the bitch a lesson


Anonymous said...

Do 'em both! Get that bitch on record and slip her the Colon-Blow in her coffee AT WORK! Pay-back's an evil mother fucker! Make it count!!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you read this; you should announce a PSA & ask the people that you've given advice to & who have ACTUALLY followed it to send you updates as to what took place & the aftermath, yet again, ONLY people that listened to you....

Anonymous said...

Lose 20 lbs. you say? I'm about to Google "where can I buy colonetix".