Advice Column: Finding Mr. Right (Cock)

So.....I am single at 43 after WAY TOO MANY years in a loveless, sexless marriage. I have gone so long without sex that I am pretty sure I can start telling people that I am a virgin!

It's been 9 years....YES....I said 9 years.

My ex had medical and mental issues that prevented him from keeping it up and I, obviously, had mental issues since I stayed in the marriage for so long.

Anyhow...I finally got out of that shit and figured I would not have any desire to date for quite some time, since I was so mentally drained from the marriage that I finally escaped from....well..not the case....I want to date and I want to do it NOW.

All I can think about is sex and that isn't too good when you are alone. I mean from the second my eyes open in the morning to the second my eyes close at night I think about sex. Rough sex, mind blowing sex, and even gentle sex...although not as much on the the gentle version.

The problem is that I am not a slut and I can't seperate the heart from the vagina...so I am not comfortable going out to a club and just asking a guy to come home with me. Plus...I'm 43...what kinda 43 year old hangs out at clubs anyhow?

I'm not ugly, I am thin, I have a great laugh and I am easy to talk to but no one asks me out, which sucks for them and for me because I am ready to dish out some serious sex!!!!

So, do I turn my slut side on just to get the sex I am craving...or do I wait...and when I finally start dating a man...pounce on him like I have been craving to do and hope that I don't kill him before the evening is over?


HELP ME!



Dear HELP ME!,

First off, I'm really sorry that your marriage didn't work out. It seems like you're in a much better place now. Secondly...

BITCH, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GO 9 GODDAMN YEARS WITHOUT FUCKING?!

You better check deep inside your vagina because your shit is probably full of cobwebs and skeletons from Mona Lisa's closet. Straight up.

Grab some goddamn poster paper and a fucking sharpie because what I'm about to tell you, you will need to write this shit down and post this motherfucker in your living room so you never forget.

Go and get dicked down by someone you feel can dick you down good. Now, this doesn't need to be a random stranger because according to J-Wunder statistics, 6 out of 10 one night or coffee meet and greet stands end up being horrible fucking experiences. I wouldn't want you to be so desperate that you fuck things up since you've been out of the game for 9 years. Notice how I said YOU fucking things up. Having a vagina that has been exiled from dick for 9 years is like being in a coma. You may wake up without brain damage, but shit around you and how you operate is still fucking foggy. This isn't like riding a bike, Sweet Tits. The way you fucked 9 years ago is way different than how a motherfucker fucks now.

You probably went missionary, doggy, and rode the wang, right? Nothing wrong with that. That's that shit the Romans came up with. However, nowadays, you got all THAT plus shit like the side-winder, froggy style, goat-style, the hurricane, the Rocky Balboa, Fast and the Furious, the zamboni, reverse cowgirl with a heel clack, the pussy twerk, the pile driver, the Ike and Tina, the fist pump, the dick jive, the tootie fruity and a whole bunch of other shit that would scare your cooter into a goddamn foxhole.

See, this isn't about whoring yourself out. At 43 years old, you need to put your own pussy on a pedestal and realize that what you want can easily be attained by some young buck, however, it's gotta be worth it. Like I've said in many columns and in my book, "Wait...What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius" (see what I did there? you're welcome), pussy is power. Sure you can probably fuck any dude you want this split second. The question is, why would you? Sugar twat, what you need to do  is go out and find one guy. Whether it be a stranger, friend or acquaintance, you need to find someone that you feel can give you what you need. I mean, if you have gone 9 fucking years without a dick, let alone the tip of a dick, entering your Putang Clan, what's it gonna hurt to wait a little longer to find Mr. Right (Cock).

What you want, is specific and specialized. You don't want a Kia. You had that and that shit broke down and got you taking the fucking bus for 9 goddamn years. What you want is a Maserati. It's fast, sleek, has all the fucking bells and whistles one human being could ever imagine. That's where your head needs to be. So with that, find a guy that you have chemistry with. And when I say chemistry, I'm talking some Jedi-Mind fucking shit. Sure you may have things in common...like the same books, love the same dogs, watch the same stupid ass shows. Find that fire. That desire. That one thing that gets your panties wet without even doing anything. When you do that, imagine what can and will happen.

It doesn't matter where you go either. Clubs and bars are 100% guarantees for you to find a sea of cocks. Small ones, big ones, curved ones, black ones, yellow ones, brown ones, white ones, pink ones, anteater ones, albino ones. Wait, what?!

Whether it be there or the fucking grocery store, when the time and place is right, you will know and when you do, attack that shit like my wang attacks a pair of titties when they're all lubed up with some KY. Ya feel me?

Once this happens, what you need to do is simple - slowly work into the sexual side of things from kissing, to touching, to jerking the brother off while he caresses your bongos and plays with your bead. That way, things all come together, stars fucking align and by the time it gets down to the dirty dirty, you're sucking his dick like a crackwhore sucks that base pipe. In turn, he's eating your box like a homeless man finding a whole bucket of untouched fried chicken at KF fucking C.

At this point, you're gonna be golden because when all that kissing, touching and foreplay is going on and is fan-fucking-tastic, just know that there is an 88.3829% chance that the way you want to be fucked, you're gonna be fucked. Trust me, Tits Magee. Now, what about the +/- 12% chance it flops? Being a man that knows what works, I'm almost certain it won't. Unless you rush this shit and don't follow a fucking thing I'm preaching to you.

Good sex takes time. It takes good sexual chemistry. It takes Jedi-Mind fucking and wanting to be the fucker and/or the fuckee.

You don't need to be a whore to want to be fucked and have some cat lay his pipe down so hard on you that you can't walk for 3.5 days.

Do as I say and you're gonna be alright. Unless you said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna be a goddamn whore." I wouldn't judge you, I would just want to get in line to start the whore train if you know what I'm sayin'.

Now go clean out your vagina...I'm sure there is a long lost letter from your wild side waiting to be read.

Whore.

J-Wunder