Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Beyond Thunder "Throne"

You've been there. I've been there. We've all been there. No, I'm not talking about Las Vegas or Disneyland folks. I'm talking about the place where each one of us goes at least 3-4 times a day. Hell, if you're lucky, you go there 5-10 times. I'm talking about the office bathroom, people.

I don't know how your office is set up, but in any event, you either have more than one stall that can be shared, or a single set bathroom where you have to wait for a mother fucker to do their thing before you enter. Some places have a Men's and a Women's. Others, have the sometimes awkward, Unisex bathroom. You guys are probably all wondering why the fuck am I writing about the office shitter, right? Well, to be honest, as of late, I have had some encounters and thought, "If I am thinking this way, I bet other mother fuckers are too. I need to blog about this shit (no pun intended), pronto." You guys need to realize, that the bathroom, although needed by many, is an awkward fucking place. For at least 88% of fucking society. Think I'm wrong...fuck you. I'm not. There's a list of reasons as to why the place we love to call "The Throne" is a not-so-comfortable-place fit for a King or Queen of the pooper. So without wasting any more goddamn time, I introduce to you, "J-Wunder's Reasons for Awkward Bathroom Moments": 

WTF is coming out cho' ass?!: We all know, taking a shit while other people are in the bathroom is really fucking awkward. Why? Well because you have no idea what's about to shoot out of your fucking anus. All you know is that you gotta take a shit, bad...and as you fucking sit there, you're praying that whatever you ate the night before doesn't clear the goddamn bathroom and make so much noise that co-workers washing their hands or taking a piss in the other stall run out that fucking place telling everyone, "You won't believe what just came out of Cassie's asshole right now. Bitch needs a deep anal cleanse, immediately." Hey, at home, we can make all the noise we want. We can stink up the place til the cows come home. But when you're in public, those rules are off limits. The shitting rule applies more to women than men. Guys are meant to be sick fucks, so this isn't so bad to our species. However, if a dude takes a shit to the point where it smells like a decomposed body, then that's reason to get your ass kicked and possibly get stabbed in public. I get that you like to eat, but fuck man, can you order a salad with your burger? Chew on a fucking apple or something? All that grease is translating to some really fucked up chemical imbalance to your large fucking intestine. God couldn't create something that bad, could he? Wash your ass. Please.

Wandering Eyes: Women, this doesn't really apply to you, just men. Ever take a piss at a urinal and feel the person to either your left or right stare at you? Let me rephrase that...ever take a piss at a urinal and feel the person to either your left or right glare at your fucking dick? Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about, jerkoffs. I'm talking about the wandering eyes that some dudes have when you're taking a leak. Awkward? Yes. Inappropriate? What the fuck do you think? Hey, I don't know if it's a man thing or whatever but, some dudes just love giving a quick glance to their neighbors dong. The only time I've done it, was when the dude decided to stand back 3 fucking feet because he thought his dick was a goddamn firehose. Piss was ricocheting all over the place. By the way, why do some of you sons of bitches do that shit? And why do some of you pull your pants all the way down to your fucking ankles like you're about to take a shit? At a goddamn urinal?! Who fucking does that? And the one hand on the wall thing...what the fuck guys? Do you get fucking dizzy when you urinate that you need something to hold your ass up? Stop doing that shit and stop looking at other dudes fucking cocks like you're on a goddamn Easter egg hunt. I know I've been blessed with a small dick, but for fuck's sake, don't make me turn to you, in mid-piss, and give you a golden shower. I love gay people but I ain't trying to fuck no dude. Stop the bullshit. Please.

Who Done It?: You know what's awkward? When you have a one person bathroom at work. You know what's even more awkward than that? A one person bathroom that's Unisex. Look, let's be real, we damn well know that when we have to take a piss, it's no big deal. But when we gotta take a shit, things can be a bit weird. Nothing is worse than taking a shit, spraying all the goddamn Glade in the world to coat the smell...then finally walking out to find someone standing there. Waiting. Staring. Wondering what the fuck took you so long. The funny part is, there's no hiding the fact that you just dropped a fat deuce because A) You smell like shit and air freshner, B) By you opening the door really fast, you wafted that god awful smell towards your co-worker so they now know the shit you eat, ain't 1 of the 5 food groups and C) When they walk into that bathroom and look down at that toilet, they will witness something that only people with uncontrollable bowels unleash...a lot of shit streaks and dookie chum (sucks for you that you didn't double flush). I don't care if you're a man or a woman...if one of you encounters this, you will never look at each other the same ever again. I mean, we all need to shit but sometimes, a motherfucker will judge you on what you leave behind. I'll tell you right now, some of the shit I've seen, would not even make me want to day dream about some of these bitches at work. Because when your shit looks like it blew up a Third World Country, you need to either get your ass on a treadmill, drink a fuck load of water or just don't fucking eat. Period. Damn, just thinking about some of the things I've seen is making my dick hide in my stomach. There goes my appetite for the day. Fuck. 

Is all this true? Of course it is. Would I ever lie to any of you? Probably. But this shit is true, no doubt. Just remember folks, if you ever have an awkward moment or feel one coming on, go down the street and use the bathroom...you don't work there so what the fuck does it matter, right?

Now, if you'll excuse me...I gotta go take a shit. Peace out bitches.


Anonymous said...

Another guy taking a peek @ your dong while peeing is known as a meat gazer. C'mon dude surely you knew that!!

Anonymous said...

A colleague of mine dropped the hugest turd a number of years back. He was so jazzed about it he went back out into the workplace without wiping or flushing and invited fellow workers to come and view said oversized load...It was fucking giant. I'm still impressed some 15 years on..

Anonymous said...

I've worked with someone like that,we called him the Dookie Monster.