The Angry Employee Who Hates His Female Co-Workers

best of craigslist > philadelphia > To the women who work in my office... I hate you
Originally Posted: Fri, 10 Nov 16:56 EST 


To the women who work in my office... I hate you

Date: 2006-11-10, 4:56PM EST

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don't know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like: who you callin'for? or "he in a meetin' right now" or my personal favorite, "who this is?" I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can't stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can't do either of those things! 

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I'm not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don't know how you don't notice it. I'm going to buy you deodorant for Christmas. 

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don't know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It's disgusting, and we don't want to hear about it, so keep your voice down. 

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don't insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone. 

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don't wear panties. 

Boss' old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared- it's Evan. 

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don't care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard. 

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it! 

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don't want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don't know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then! 

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn't slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn't respect you any less. 

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I'm pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man. 

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son... yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office... not a brothel. 


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The Employee Handbook EVERY Company Needs

10 Effective "2pm Pick-Me-Ups" In The Workforce

What To Tell Your Wife When...

So you've struck up an extra-marital, sexual relationship with a coworker. Congratulations! Unfortunately, initiating the office sex to compensate for whatever disappointment you're feeling over how your life turned out was the easy part. It's time for the coworker you're sleeping with to start calling your house at all hours, and your wife's going to want some answers. Here's how to explain every type of call she might intercept from the coworker you're cheating on her with.

If the coworker you're cheating on your wife with calls during dinner and hangs up:

"Must be one of those telemarketers calling from another time-zone, not realizing they're interrupting dinner, then when she suddenly remembers she feels bad and hangs up just as you're answering."


If she calls in the middle of the night and says she's parked outside your house and you have to come out and talk to her or she'll come to your door and tell your wife everything:

"That was a new Amber Alert service that calls you and plays a recording that describes the make and model of the car that the suspected kidnapper is driving. I think I see a car that looks like the car they described parked outside. I'm going to go check it out, and if there's someone in the car I'm going to get in and talk to them to find out what they're doing here."


If she calls and screams "Just let him go! He's mine! He doesn't love you anymore! This is Janet, your husband's coworker at Pendleton Technologies Inc, and we've been sleeping together for months because he doesn't love you anymore! Can't you see that? He doesn't love you anymore! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!"

"Sounds like a crank call to me. Must've Googled that stuff about where I work and who my coworkers are, and they probably can find out with a quick search how long we've been married to see if we might be at the point when the spark goes out for most couples, just to make the premise of the call more believable. Heh. Kids. "


If she calls and just sobs into the phone, no matter how many times your wife demands to know who is calling, the coworker you're cheating on her with just won't stop crying:

"Must be a phone ghost. I read about that. Ghosts that are trying to pass over to the next world get trapped in the phone lines and all they can do is call people and sob about all the things they regret not doing when they were alive, all the things they never got around to saying to the people they loved. Yeah, sounds like a phone ghost."


If she calls and just breathes into the phone, listening to your wife ask "Is anyone there?" over and over again. All she does is breathe:

"Phone ghost again. Really just changes everything you assumed about death and the existence of the soul, right honey? I mean, how can we go on denying that there's more to us than just our physical being when these phone ghosts keep calling us all the time. Wanna pray?"


If she calls and tells your wife to meet her that night at a diner so she can show her photos of you and her having sex:

"Um, sure honey, go meet the phone ghost. Are you crazy?! It's just trying to feed you a story you can't resist to get you to join it at the portal to purgatory, which must be at that diner, so it can pull you over to the other side in exchange for getting its corporeal body back. That's the only way phone ghosts can return to the living world. They have to steal someone from the living to take their places. I'm sorry, but I love you, and I don't want to lose you yet. So I forbid you to meet the phone ghost."


If she sneakily dials your wife on her cell phone with her free hand while you're having sex with her on the copier, allowing your wife to hear what is clearly your voice shouting ecstatically during an extra-marital office orgasm:

"Honey, I never wanted you to find out about this. I wanted to protect you. I was only thinking about you, is why I kept this from you. I was worried about you, so I invited the phone ghost to possess my body. Turns out, the phone ghost had something it needed to resolve before it would be allowed to pass on to the afterlife, and resolving that thing required that it have sex with my coworker Janet, using my body. I must have butt-dialed you during. You have to believe me that I was just so worried that the phone ghost was going to lure you to meet it with one of its stories. That's why I agreed to the possession. So you know, I don't feel anything when the phone ghost has sex through me, so it doesn't count as cheating when my body has sex with Janet. It says it has to have sex with Janet only a bunch more times before it can pass on.

Either that or it was another crank call. Heh. Kids, right?"

via - Happy Place

Beyond Thunder "Throne"

You've been there. I've been there. We've all been there. No, I'm not talking about Las Vegas or Disneyland folks. I'm talking about the place where each one of us goes at least 3-4 times a day. Hell, if you're lucky, you go there 5-10 times. I'm talking about the office bathroom, people.

I don't know how your office is set up, but in any event, you either have more than one stall that can be shared, or a single set bathroom where you have to wait for a mother fucker to do their thing before you enter. Some places have a Men's and a Women's. Others, have the sometimes awkward, Unisex bathroom. You guys are probably all wondering why the fuck am I writing about the office shitter, right? Well, to be honest, as of late, I have had some encounters and thought, "If I am thinking this way, I bet other mother fuckers are too. I need to blog about this shit (no pun intended), pronto." You guys need to realize, that the bathroom, although needed by many, is an awkward fucking place. For at least 88% of fucking society. Think I'm wrong...fuck you. I'm not. There's a list of reasons as to why the place we love to call "The Throne" is a not-so-comfortable-place fit for a King or Queen of the pooper. So without wasting any more goddamn time, I introduce to you, "J-Wunder's Reasons for Awkward Bathroom Moments": 

WTF is coming out cho' ass?!: We all know, taking a shit while other people are in the bathroom is really fucking awkward. Why? Well because you have no idea what's about to shoot out of your fucking anus. All you know is that you gotta take a shit, bad...and as you fucking sit there, you're praying that whatever you ate the night before doesn't clear the goddamn bathroom and make so much noise that co-workers washing their hands or taking a piss in the other stall run out that fucking place telling everyone, "You won't believe what just came out of Cassie's asshole right now. Bitch needs a deep anal cleanse, immediately." Hey, at home, we can make all the noise we want. We can stink up the place til the cows come home. But when you're in public, those rules are off limits. The shitting rule applies more to women than men. Guys are meant to be sick fucks, so this isn't so bad to our species. However, if a dude takes a shit to the point where it smells like a decomposed body, then that's reason to get your ass kicked and possibly get stabbed in public. I get that you like to eat, but fuck man, can you order a salad with your burger? Chew on a fucking apple or something? All that grease is translating to some really fucked up chemical imbalance to your large fucking intestine. God couldn't create something that bad, could he? Wash your ass. Please.

Wandering Eyes: Women, this doesn't really apply to you, just men. Ever take a piss at a urinal and feel the person to either your left or right stare at you? Let me rephrase that...ever take a piss at a urinal and feel the person to either your left or right glare at your fucking dick? Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about, jerkoffs. I'm talking about the wandering eyes that some dudes have when you're taking a leak. Awkward? Yes. Inappropriate? What the fuck do you think? Hey, I don't know if it's a man thing or whatever but, some dudes just love giving a quick glance to their neighbors dong. The only time I've done it, was when the dude decided to stand back 3 fucking feet because he thought his dick was a goddamn firehose. Piss was ricocheting all over the place. By the way, why do some of you sons of bitches do that shit? And why do some of you pull your pants all the way down to your fucking ankles like you're about to take a shit? At a goddamn urinal?! Who fucking does that? And the one hand on the wall thing...what the fuck guys? Do you get fucking dizzy when you urinate that you need something to hold your ass up? Stop doing that shit and stop looking at other dudes fucking cocks like you're on a goddamn Easter egg hunt. I know I've been blessed with a small dick, but for fuck's sake, don't make me turn to you, in mid-piss, and give you a golden shower. I love gay people but I ain't trying to fuck no dude. Stop the bullshit. Please.

Who Done It?: You know what's awkward? When you have a one person bathroom at work. You know what's even more awkward than that? A one person bathroom that's Unisex. Look, let's be real, we damn well know that when we have to take a piss, it's no big deal. But when we gotta take a shit, things can be a bit weird. Nothing is worse than taking a shit, spraying all the goddamn Glade in the world to coat the smell...then finally walking out to find someone standing there. Waiting. Staring. Wondering what the fuck took you so long. The funny part is, there's no hiding the fact that you just dropped a fat deuce because A) You smell like shit and air freshner, B) By you opening the door really fast, you wafted that god awful smell towards your co-worker so they now know the shit you eat, ain't 1 of the 5 food groups and C) When they walk into that bathroom and look down at that toilet, they will witness something that only people with uncontrollable bowels unleash...a lot of shit streaks and dookie chum (sucks for you that you didn't double flush). I don't care if you're a man or a woman...if one of you encounters this, you will never look at each other the same ever again. I mean, we all need to shit but sometimes, a motherfucker will judge you on what you leave behind. I'll tell you right now, some of the shit I've seen, would not even make me want to day dream about some of these bitches at work. Because when your shit looks like it blew up a Third World Country, you need to either get your ass on a treadmill, drink a fuck load of water or just don't fucking eat. Period. Damn, just thinking about some of the things I've seen is making my dick hide in my stomach. There goes my appetite for the day. Fuck. 

Is all this true? Of course it is. Would I ever lie to any of you? Probably. But this shit is true, no doubt. Just remember folks, if you ever have an awkward moment or feel one coming on, go down the street and use the bathroom...you don't work there so what the fuck does it matter, right?

Now, if you'll excuse me...I gotta go take a shit. Peace out bitches.