Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Check Stand Number 5

Is it me, or when you go to the grocery store for a few items (like 3-5), it becomes the longest fucking grocery store trip in the goddamn world sometimes?! I'm talking, some Sunday afternoon, "Let's bring the whole motherfucking family to Costco" kinda trip. Straight up.

Last night, I hit up Safeway to get two (JUST TWO) things:

1) Fried fucking chicken

2) Toilet paper

Now, one would imagine, with a list like that, you know exactly where to find these items, grab them, hit up the self check-out stand and be on your merry fucking way within maybe 5...6 minutes tops. For me, what looked like a quick ass trip to the grocery store, became a fucking nightmare. Why? Where do I begin?

For starters, all the self check-out stands were closed. Hey Safeway, I get it might be a slow fucking night but for fuck fucking sake, can't y'all just leave one do-it-yourself stand open? I'm trying to go the hell home so I can eat some goddamn chicken in my underwear and maybe watch some reality tv on Bravo or A&E. What does a brother have to do to get some do-it-yourself service, huh?

With no self check-out stands, there was one and only one option left...the normal check-out stands. Only this time on this very fucking night, there was only one goddamn check stand open.


People, I like to consider myself a guy who is pretty fucking patient. However, in moments like times like these...with people like these...a motherfucker will lose his shit. I'm talking, Michael Douglas from the movie "Falling Down" crazy. No fucking joke.

Let me give you the breakdown of the 4 people I had the pleasure to experience in this goddamn line that took me approximately 60 minutes to get out of.

#1 The Chatter Box:

I love friendly people. I really fucking do. However, I don't love motherfuckers who talk to the goddamn cashier about their whole fucking day which includes what they ate for breakfast, when they took a shit, the color of said shit, their amazing walk at lunch, the fruit salad they had for a snack, how work was, the whore receptionist they want to stab in the eye, why they are buying what they are buying and if what they are buying is worth fucking buying AND the rest of their plans for the goddamn night. Here's something to converse: BUY YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE. PLEASE.

Did y'all forget there were 10 other motherfuckers waiting behind you in line? Don't tell me you didn't because I'm pretty sure the broad 3 people behind me made it pretty fucking clear you need to wrap up whatever the fuck you're talking about when she said, "God, can this bitch please wrap up whatever the fuck she's talking about? Stop reading the cashier a goddamn bedtime story and just go the fuck home. People need to go the fuck to sleep too, lady." Not sure...just sayin'.

#2 The "I'm gonna pay 1/3 in check, 1/3 in cash and 1/3 in change" Guy:

This fucking guy. Bless his heart and bless whatever the fuck he was thinking when he decided to buy $200 worth of groceries and pay 40 dollars in check, 84 dollars in cash and 76 dollars in pennies, nickels and dimes. Let me repeat that for you people -


Hey, I get is fucking money. Whatever pays the fucking bills. However, if you are gonna go to the grocery store with a set fucking list...a big one for that matter...why in the name of Jesus the motherfucking Gardener would you pay three different ways? Better yet, why would you pay with 76 dollars in fucking change? Not even quarters. Not even Susan B. Anthony fucking coins. You paid with pennies, nickels and dimes, yo. Who the fuck saves that many pennies? Bums would kick your fucking ass if you gave them that many pennies, you know that? You ever hear of CoinStar, slap dick? Well, obviously you never heard of goddamn CoinStar because just as you pulled out a backpack full of fucking change, the line sighed, one lady faked a heart attack I think, and the cashier looked at you as if you just bombed a 3rd World Country.

A trip out of line and a visit to CoinStar by the entry doors later, you finally had actual money...but were short 10 fucking dollars!!! So not only did you go through this big fucking production with hella change, you miscounted the fucking change and were short a 10 spot. So what do you do? Pull out a wad of cash from your sock and give the guy a 20 dollar bill.

Never seen so many motherfuckers looking to kill one man with a loaf of french bread, some tampons, a slab of ribs and a box of Frosted fucking Flakes.


It was like the scene with Chris Rock ordering some ribs in "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka".

#3: Coupons...Coupons Galore!!!!

Like I said, I'm a patient ass dude. But this shit was getting fucking ridiculous. 25 minutes has passed and one of the bitches from Extreme Couponing is next.

Probably 300 dollars in groceries with shit I ain't ever seen or heard of. I swear two of those items looked like something that was gonna need a few Hail Mary's and Our Father's mixed in with a good time. Real talk.

Although this wasn't Pay Thrice Ways Magee, we all knew what the fuck was going on. How so? Bitch pulled out THE envelope. You know, the one that you usually bring to court with all your paperwork from the time you were in jail and had to meet with your lawyer. Yeah, that envelope. The big one that only looks suspect because that shit isn't normal to walk around with. Well, this bitch wasn't packing court docs. She was packing what seemed like one thousand goddamn coupons. Of which she had to sort. Because she wasn't sure exactly "what she wanted to purchased" at the time. Are you fucking serious right now? Who buys all this shit on a whim in hopes you have the right fucking coupons?! C'mon lady...stop being a dick tease and just move on with the intercourse already.

At this point, no other check stands are opening up and I'm almost convinced this was Safeway's way of saying, "Fuck you people. Wait in line. If you don't like it, go to Lucky's, mothefuckers."

Hungry as fuck, I just say "fuck it," open up my bag of fried chicken goodness and just start eating the motherfucker because who knows what time I'm getting out of this goddamn place. BTW - that shit was absolutely delicious as a motherfucker. But I digress...

Coupon after coupon after coupon, this was turning out to be an awful game of "Guess Who" and people were about to donate money just so this bitch can leave with her big ass cart of groceries and court size envelope. How does a coupon clipping crazy bitch not come prepared for battle? 300 dollars of shit is a lot of fucking shit. Especially if you are paying in paper...and I don't mean money. Kudos to her though...chick walked out being owed money I think. Amazing, right? Fuck that...I don't care how much I coupons are worth clipping to make a grocery store trip a goddamn shit show. Straight up.

20 minutes later and the same bitch who was running her mouth earlier mumbling, "I've been waiting so long in this damn line, my weave is about to take a nap," Extreme Couponer leaves for the doors.

#4 "I forgot something, can I go and get it?":

There are times when we get to the check stand, load our shit onto the conveyor belt that we forget something. Happens probably 45% of the time, right? Now, if you're someone who frequents the local grocery store, you going to find what you need isn't really a problem and can be taken care of in about 2 minutes...of course, if no bagger is there to assist you. No harm, no foul. How-the-fuck-ever, if you forget something, are not familiar with the store and try to find a product that isn't sold at that actual store...everyone in line, including the cashier will hate your human existence. This could have all been dealt with and settled if there was some assistance to help the customer however, there wasn't AND the customer insisted that he "saw it" in aisle 8 by the motherfucking soy sauce.

I'm gonna be honest, this cat was Asian looking for some shit that didn't even have letters to make a sound. It was like a word no Asian person knew existed. He described it as a hot, red powder that you put in water with vinegar then add some ancient Chinese horse piss to make it extra spicy or some bullshit like that. His description was so fucked up and confusing that another Asian cat standing behind me said, "You not gonna find nothing here. Go to Ranch 99. You wasting your time looking for magic potion." It was odd and yet fucked up for this other Asian dude to basically tell this guy, "What kinda Asian are you bro? This ain't Big Trouble In Little China, fool. Hurry up and buy, Ricky Tan. Shit, son."

10 minutes of complete non-sense and of course dude comes up empty handed.

Thanks asshole.

It's finally my turn and I put my half eaten, somewhat soggy, pretty much cold goddamn fried chicken and 12 rolls of toilet paper on the conveyor belt. As the the cashier is ringing up my shit, she says to me, "Sorry about all that. Looks like you've had a rough day." I respond with, "No need to be sorry. But what's the deal with one check stand tonight? You had some restless ass people who were about to slaughter the 4 people in front of me." She goes on to say, "Between you and I, I think the manager likes to test if it was some psychology experiment. He doesn't do it all the time, just sometimes when he see who's in line. But that's just an assumption I'm making."

Ain't that some shit? Now every fucking time I go into a goddamn grocery store and see a check stand with a big ass line with no other lines open, I'm gonna think, "These motherfuckers are trying to fuck with us again."

True or not, you fucked up my night Safeway. I missed some good reality tv while I was left wanting to kill someone trying to buy some chicken and TP.

Well played, assholes. Well played.


Anonymous said...

LMFAO! Doesn't matter what you write about, all the stuff you talk about is hilarious and true!

Anonymous said...

Walmart has done that shit to me, I left a cart full of frozen groceries in the aisle. I wasn't about to take home all my thawed frozen shit just Cuz Walmart can't afford 2 checkers. 32 lanes and one open.....that is what you call testing.

Unknown said...

Omg its 7am here and I woke up to read this shit I cried so much my husband said "what the hell is wrong with you" funny shit! Thanks

Anonymous said...

I assume Ruby is on a boat in the middle of the pacific ocean because its only 6:30 here on the west coast. ;) funny as hell as always J.

HKT said...

"What in the name of Jesus fucking Gardener" = my new favorite expression.

Kitten said...

All that shit in one Lane, same night....? Must've been a full moon... Lol

Unknown said...

That made me laugh out loud! Hilarious! You deserve some warm fried chicken covered in that mysterious Asian sauce!