Thursday, August 1, 2013

Cisco, The Homeless Homeboy

On my way to work this morning, I randomly thought about one of the guy's my buddies and I hung out with in college...especially on Sunday's during football season. And with the start of the NFL 2013-2014 season upon us, flashbacks hit me like a motherfucker.

The dudes name was Cisco. I never knew his last name but what I did know was that this motherfucker was a bum. Like 100%, straight-up homeless person. Homeless. That ate out of trash cans from time to time and shit. Never showered. Barely changed. Asked for money. Slept in parks and under freeways. Walked around with a goddamn shopping cart full of cans, bottles, a blow-up doll and other shit you don't want to know about. A bum with no fucks to give, but had more friends than some of my friends on fucking Facebook. Straight up.

I met this guy through my two homeboys in college. Now, how they met Cisco, beats the living shit out of me. All I know is that I was hanging out with a bum (which at the time was pretty fucking cool), every Sunday, during every Raiders game, at our hangout across the street from my apartment. You might have heard of it? The Shack. You know, the place that Laci and Scott Peterson owned before he went fucking crazy and took that poor girl's life (ok, enough with the sad story, on with my friend, Cisco the bum).

Every Sunday, my buddies and I would meet our homeless homeboy at our spot to watch the morning games. Basically, when we arrived at 9:30am, we never left that place before 10pm. Cisco was the only fucking dude in San Luis Obispo, CA who wore snow overalls, big ass boots, a Raiders parka and a Raiders 75-85 degree weather! I never saw this motherfucker sweat which always tripped me out. Made me think he was a fucking eskimo or something. Don't know why I pointed that out since I know he's a bum and is short on his wardrobe attire. My bad.

Anyway, here we are, 3 grown ass college men and Cisco, getting ready to watch the games and enjoy another day of some goddamn football. The amazing thing about Cisco was how much the dude knew about sports and shit in this world. Sure the dude was a fucking bum and smelled like sweaty ass feet and 4 day old urine with a hint of armpit and taint, but his knowledge kinda blew me the fuck away. Then again, I wasn't exactly the brightest motherfucker back then either. I mean, I'm hanging out with a bum every Sunday for fucks sake, right? Who does that and thinks it's normal? Only your boy, the Ghetto Genius, and his degenerate fucking friends.

What was probably the icing on the cake about Cisco, was this one Sunday when we got absolutely shitfaced. I'm talking some white girl wasted shit with probably one meal ordered between 4 of us and a shit ton of peanuts consumed to make it look like we weren't full blown alcoholics. I think I might have ordered a salad a little later and left that shit on the table so it didn't look like we were just drinking our goddamn lives away. That fucking thing probably sat there for a minimum of 6 fucking hours until, Cisco, surprise surprise, ate that shit like it was the greatest greens on earth. Dude didn't even use a fork...just ate that shit like it was some finger foods. Anyway, where the fuck was I? Aaaaah, that's right, the game.

The Raiders were playing the Patriots in the playoffs that year (tuck rule game...BTW - fuck you Tom Brady, you pussy!), and that morning we decided to go our spot a half hour earlier then we usually go. Why, on that very day, did this motherfucker Cisco buy us not 1 pitcher, not 2 pitchers, not even 3 pitchers...but 8 PITCHES OF BEER and get us completely fucking drunk before the afternoon games? He's a fucking homeless dude that sleeps under a fucking freeway off the 101, eats garbage every damn day, doesn't shower, smells like a rhino's dirty asshole, and just dropped $75 on 3 other guys and himself. WTF?! To top it off, dude had a sack of weed that he wanted us all to smoke outside with him. (Note, I did not participate in the smoking of the ganja since I start seeing shit once I inhale - true story). Now, I'm assuming the weed he had was probably made up of some fucking dry ass dirt, mowed lawn, dog shit, fresh ground pepper, cumin, garlic and paprika but hey, dude had a sack of something that obviously made you see something that wasn't right.

So while there was a break b/t the action in games, the fellas and Cisco went outside to smoke a joint and I sat there in silence. I said to myself, "I'm fucking whiskey dick drunk and I owe it all to a guy that has to beg for money and probably wipes his ass with newspaper. I have a fucking job, I go to college, and a homeless dude just took care of me getting hammered on playoff Sunday. THAT.IS.AWESOME. I wonder if he has $20 I can borrow?" And being the drunk fuck that I was, I actually asked him. He told me to fuck off while throwing something that looked like possible dick cheese at me, but could you blame a brother for asking?

Cisco the bum is definitely a legend in San Luis Obispo, CA. More importantly, Cisco is the coolest bum I have ever fucking met. Cheers toothless, money making, homeless motherfucker!


Anonymous said...

I think I remember that guy! Go Stangs!!!

Unknown said...

TOM BRADY IS THE SHIT, and cisco prolly smells like shit but i still wanna chill with that boss ass mutha fucka

Anonymous said...

Classic! Good shit, J!

BenFranks said...

Francisco Duran was/is his name. somebody should look into if he is actually still alive or if he is deceased. i would to know. he was a great man and a true friend.