Why You Never Walk Behind A Bum

For those who don't know the San Francisco Bay Area too well, let me just say it's fucking awesome. However, if there is one thing regarding SF you need to know about, it's that the bums here are fucking ruthless, aggressive, crazy, insane and have no fucks to give. These dudes are OG in their own world.

The story I'm about to tell you is 100% real and one of those stories where you can't even make up because it's just that fucked up. 

It was a Tuesday morning. My buddy and his boss are taking their typical commute into work. All walks of life are crowding the streets as people are on their way to their jobs, gym or drug dealers house. Nothing new. Nothing special. Nothing exciting to see. Well, that was until they pulled up to a stop light 3 blocks from their office. 

As they are sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, they watch person after person crossing the street. About a minute passes and they notice a bum, who like every goddamn homeless person in San Francisco, looks cracked out of their goddamn mind. It was at that moment they notice this bum pull his pants down to his ankles while shouting, "ARRRRRRRR....AAAAAHHHHHH...GET IIIITTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTTTTT OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!" Dick and balls flopping all over the goddamn place as each person who comes in his path avoids him like the plague so they don't catch something that is more than likely not curable...like herpes and shit. 

Tiny step after tiny step, walking across the street, the bum is shouting as if he's in pain. "ARRRRRRRR....AAAAAHHHHHH...GET IIIITTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTTTTT OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!"While he's doing this, my buddy and his boss notice this pretty hot chick walking about two feet behind him and dressed to the 9's. And while you may ask yourselves at this very moment, "Why is this chick not walking faster and avoiding him like the others?," anyone who is from San Francisco isn't surprised by bums doing shit like this. They ignore it and carry the fuck on with whatever the fuck they're doing. However, what happens next, Hottie McHotterson probably wished she walked like one of those professional speed fucking walkers.

Screaming, yelling and doing what homeless motherfuckers do, this smelly cat suddenly stops in the middle of the street, bends over and with so much anger, strength and purpose, he starts to take a shit. And when I say take a shit, I mean, this motherfucker shit out his goddamn life. Take the biggest pile of dookie you have ever seen, taken or Googled and times it by "WHAT THE FUCK is that, Gina?!" Real talk. 

"RELEASE FROM MEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH...IT'S COMING OOOOOUUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!," the bum yelled for the world to hear. 

It was then when my buddy hears this, "OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screams of bloody murder were heard from probably every building in the city. As he turns to the right of the bum, there is Hottie McHotterson...crying, screaming and covered from head to toe in this homeless man's dookie. For a moment, everyone stood there silent as the bum was going on a good two minutes of exorcising his demons while doing toe touches and this poor fucking girl was taking globs of what was probably 20+ years of half eaten burgers, trash, old Chinese food and a thousand pounds of sewage to the dome, chest and feet. If this dude never had a colonic, he just did. And if this girl never seen one, she has now.

The streets clear and all who's left to witness this moment of "did I just see what I think I fucking saw," are the people still at the stop light. The bum starts to walk gingerly with his pants still down as, I kid you not, dookie is STILL running out of his ass and down his leg. The girl, covered in a ton of this homeless dudes diarrhea stood there motionless holding her cell phone and Coach bag, crying, confused and probably hoping for a thunderstorm to hit while praying in her head she gets run over by a bus.

The light turns green, my buddy and his boss laugh their asses all the way to the office and go on about their day. About 15 minutes of arriving, my buddies boss gets a call and is on the phone for about 10 minutes. Right after he hangs up, he walks out dying of laughter.

So yeah, that girl who got assassinated with the homeless dudes caca at the crosswalk...was walking to their office...

FOR AN INTERVIEW!!!!!

There are no words to describe what anyone, especially this chick, would be thinking after the events that transpired. I mean, you just got shit on by a homeless dude on your way to a job interview. Are you fucking kidding me? One would think she would call, make up some story and reschedule. Well my friends, she didn't do any of that. She called, told the boss man what happened and got her interviewed rescheduled. The sad part is she didn't get the job. And it wasn't because she wasn't qualified. She was actually the perfect fit. But would you hire someone after you just witnessed them get shit on by a homeless person and be able to look at them face to face every goddamn day without thinking, "There's my girl...who was shit on by that bum from head to toe at the crosswalk across from Bloomingdales"? Yeah, me too.

Moral of the story: Never walk behind a bum. You never know what might happen.

Fuck, I'm still laughing.

You really can't make this stuff up. 

Cisco, The Homeless Homeboy

On my way to work this morning, I randomly thought about one of the guy's my buddies and I hung out with in college...especially on Sunday's during football season. And with the start of the NFL 2013-2014 season upon us, flashbacks hit me like a motherfucker.

The dudes name was Cisco. I never knew his last name but what I did know was that this motherfucker was a bum. Like 100%, straight-up homeless person. Homeless. That ate out of trash cans from time to time and shit. Never showered. Barely changed. Asked for money. Slept in parks and under freeways. Walked around with a goddamn shopping cart full of cans, bottles, a blow-up doll and other shit you don't want to know about. A bum with no fucks to give, but had more friends than some of my friends on fucking Facebook. Straight up.

I met this guy through my two homeboys in college. Now, how they met Cisco, beats the living shit out of me. All I know is that I was hanging out with a bum (which at the time was pretty fucking cool), every Sunday, during every Raiders game, at our hangout across the street from my apartment. You might have heard of it? The Shack. You know, the place that Laci and Scott Peterson owned before he went fucking crazy and took that poor girl's life (ok, enough with the sad story, on with my friend, Cisco the bum).

Every Sunday, my buddies and I would meet our homeless homeboy at our spot to watch the morning games. Basically, when we arrived at 9:30am, we never left that place before 10pm. Cisco was the only fucking dude in San Luis Obispo, CA who wore snow overalls, big ass boots, a Raiders parka and a Raiders cap...in 75-85 degree weather! I never saw this motherfucker sweat which always tripped me out. Made me think he was a fucking eskimo or something. Don't know why I pointed that out since I know he's a bum and is short on his wardrobe attire. My bad.

Anyway, here we are, 3 grown ass college men and Cisco, getting ready to watch the games and enjoy another day of some goddamn football. The amazing thing about Cisco was how much the dude knew about sports and shit in this world. Sure the dude was a fucking bum and smelled like sweaty ass feet and 4 day old urine with a hint of armpit and taint, but his knowledge kinda blew me the fuck away. Then again, I wasn't exactly the brightest motherfucker back then either. I mean, I'm hanging out with a bum every Sunday for fucks sake, right? Who does that and thinks it's normal? Only your boy, the Ghetto Genius, and his degenerate fucking friends.

What was probably the icing on the cake about Cisco, was this one Sunday when we got absolutely shitfaced. I'm talking some white girl wasted shit with probably one meal ordered between 4 of us and a shit ton of peanuts consumed to make it look like we weren't full blown alcoholics. I think I might have ordered a salad a little later and left that shit on the table so it didn't look like we were just drinking our goddamn lives away. That fucking thing probably sat there for a minimum of 6 fucking hours until, Cisco, surprise surprise, ate that shit like it was the greatest greens on earth. Dude didn't even use a fork...just ate that shit like it was some finger foods. Anyway, where the fuck was I? Aaaaah, that's right, the game.

The Raiders were playing the Patriots in the playoffs that year (tuck rule game...BTW - fuck you Tom Brady, you pussy!), and that morning we decided to go our spot a half hour earlier then we usually go. Why, on that very day, did this motherfucker Cisco buy us not 1 pitcher, not 2 pitchers, not even 3 pitchers...but 8 PITCHES OF BEER and get us completely fucking drunk before the afternoon games? He's a fucking homeless dude that sleeps under a fucking freeway off the 101, eats garbage every damn day, doesn't shower, smells like a rhino's dirty asshole, and just dropped $75 on 3 other guys and himself. WTF?! To top it off, dude had a sack of weed that he wanted us all to smoke outside with him. (Note, I did not participate in the smoking of the ganja since I start seeing shit once I inhale - true story). Now, I'm assuming the weed he had was probably made up of some fucking dry ass dirt, mowed lawn, dog shit, fresh ground pepper, cumin, garlic and paprika but hey, dude had a sack of something that obviously made you see something that wasn't right.

So while there was a break b/t the action in games, the fellas and Cisco went outside to smoke a joint and I sat there in silence. I said to myself, "I'm fucking whiskey dick drunk and I owe it all to a guy that has to beg for money and probably wipes his ass with newspaper. I have a fucking job, I go to college, and a homeless dude just took care of me getting hammered on playoff Sunday. THAT.IS.AWESOME. I wonder if he has $20 I can borrow?" And being the drunk fuck that I was, I actually asked him. He told me to fuck off while throwing something that looked like possible dick cheese at me, but could you blame a brother for asking?

Cisco the bum is definitely a legend in San Luis Obispo, CA. More importantly, Cisco is the coolest bum I have ever fucking met. Cheers Cisco...you toothless, money making, homeless motherfucker!