Thursday, September 5, 2013

Advice Column: Thirty Five Is The New Black

Why is it that younger guys are interested in older women, I'm feeling the same way the 43 yr old is but I'm 35. I've just been hit up by guys in their 20s.  I'm thinking about caving.  Interested to hear a man's opinion.  I couldn't go 9 yrs, I've gone 7 months getting out of a really shitty marriage.

Dear Puma,

I know you said you wanted a man's opinion and that's really swell and all, but tough titty, Senorita. You are gonna get this woman's opinion/advice. Now, before you get all chapped-cookie on J-Wunder for farming out your little ramble on to me, let's get some things clear:

1 - I am a newly ordained minister. That's right, a member of the clergy. See how I used member there? Exactafuckingmundo. 

2 -  I have probably been with more women than J-Wunder and more dudes than you. I know, a member of the clergy and a frequent rider on the P.T.E? How does that make sense? Trust me sweet tits, it just fucking does.

3 - I have two older brothers, so I spent most of my life studying them and the lengths they would go for the sweet poontang. Because I was like fucking Jane Goodall and they are my Gorrillas in the Mist, I now think like them, speak like them, and even act like them. This will all make sense in a few moments, cookie-puss. WAIT FOR IT.

Now that we have established my credentials as an expert witness to what I am about to testify, let me break this shit down for you like a 1990 Yugo.

Men like women who are older mainly because they like a bitch who knows what the fuck is up. Have you ever read my advice columns where I have said that men are simple creatures? Yeah, that shit applies here. Big FUCKING time.  

Sure, there are men who like to have dalliances with a little Tinkerbell looking/acting bitches, because they are fun to have bounce on their dick for a while. After she plays on the dick likes it's a bounce house, he deflates it, packs that shit up, and moves on to the next party.

The next party being you.

Dudes are sniffing around your cooter because you are giving off something that a chick in their 20's doesn't typically exude: confidence. Now, don't go confusing confidence with arrogance. There is a difference between thinking your shit don't stank and knowing your shit don't stank. Most women in their 30's know their shit don't stank, but more importantly they know why. They aren't looking for a man to buy them shit, pay their way, call them 22 times a fucking hour or any of that 90210 kind of bullshit. They say who, they say when, and they say how fucking much. 

Younger men like older women because they are low-pro kinda hoes. Most of them aren't looking to go to the club every fucking night, or be out til all fucking hours of the morning. Nah, chicks in their 30's ain't got time for that. They want to hang out, chillax and then fuck you like they got some dirty drugs at the club and have been out all night. But the trick is, they don't need the drugs anymore. They just need someone who knows the way around some breasteses.

Women in their 30's bring a lot to the fucking table. Sometimes it's baggage, sometimes it's experience. Most of the time the baggage equates to good experience for the lady, and inturn, a good experience for the man. Also, a lot of men would rather take some baggage/experience/wisdom over youth/inexperience/lack of general life skills/knowledge. And if guys are all over you like dollar bills on a g-string at a strip club, then you know that I know that you know what I am talking about. See, now you are even thinking like a dude. Welcome to the fucking party.

Oh, and did I mention I will be 34 in November? Yeah, boo, I am speaking from actual fucking experience here.

Sure, there are Ocelots looking for their Cougar because they have some mommy issues and want to be "nurtured". Some might even just be on the snatch hunt. Some might be looking to make you the future ex-Mrs. Ocelot. Whatever the case may be, snap that dude up, Cougartown! Lay him like linoleum and you can probably walk on him forever - not in the proverbial sense, but more along the lines of a young man who is laid proper will act proper, if you catch my fucking drift.

I am not sure what all that gobbledy-gook at the end was about waiting 9 years was, but if you are 7 months out of a shitty marriage, you shouldn't be waiting 9 minutes before you pounce, kitty-cat. Do you a favor, do your hoo-dilly-cha-cha a favor, and let one of these young bucks pet your kitty-cat. I bet he can make that kitty ME-FUCKING-OW. But you can show him what makes kitty purr.

Before you go to bed tonight, you must pray the rosary of Inside the Mind of a Ghetto Genius 5 times, say 10 Our J-Wunders and 10 Hail H-Bombs. Once you have done so, you will be absolved of all your sins.

Go in peace and love, my Cougar.

Her Holiness, H-Bomb 


Bele said...

lol lovin' the hoo-dilly-cha-cha. I'm so going to have to use that later!

Anonymous said...

As I guy that just got out of a relationship with a chick that was 6 years older than I, I 100 po-cent certify this article.

Anonymous said...

Preach H-Bomb!

Anonymous said...

I am a 45 woman and dating a 22 year old. And before you go all you pedophile whore... he is more mature than either of my same age ex-husbands - he has a great job, his own interests and we never, ever argue.... going on 7 months and I honestly have never been happier... he loves that I am independent and self aware. One of these days he may wake up to the fact that I am fucking OLD.... but until then - fuck it.

H-Bomb said...

Anonymous Cougar - EXACTAFUCKINGMUNDO. Get it!

and if anyone calls you a pedophile whore they are fucking stupid and don't even deserve the comeback that you and I both know you already have planned.

Anonymous said...

i got my eye on a 33 year old bartender...and I am 43....and ain't had it in i am praying like hell that I find out if he can make my kitty cat ME-FUCKING-OW.

roxy said...


Anonymous said...

I became single after 20 years over a year and a half ago. I have been with a 26 year old (hot hot hot one night stand first in my life at 40 years old), 33 year old and now a 35 year old. Honestly the 33 year old is still questionable for me as far as age. But the 35 year old is still in the age range that at least grew up in the same general area as me. H-Bomb they can definitely make a kitty ME-FUCKING-OW and are great about making your kitty purr. I went without for 2 and a half years before I got reintroduced the awesome things guys can do to the kitty!

Anonymous said...

Love the reference: break you down like a 1990 Yugo. This poster is fucking hilarious.