Friday, November 15, 2013

The Dare, The Star Wars Wedding And The Return Of Cat Woman

Dear Cat Woman,

There are some things I take pride in. The moments I have had with you have not been one of them.

Roughly two weeks ago, I attended a wedding. A Star Wars themed wedding to be exact. Knowing this wasn't going to be your typical suit and tie with a fancy dress wedding, I knew my chances of getting a date were slim. Friend after female friend, I asked each one of them weeks prior to the event. To no avail, they laughed at me and weren't interested. One friend actually asked me, "Are they going to be serving special treats to all the well behaved kids, too?" Fucking cunt.

Dateless and desperate, my stupid ass decides to tell our fearless leader, Mr. Wunder, about the whole ordeal.

JW: "Are you fucking serious right now, bro? You are actually planning to go to a STAR WARS themed wedding? If you say yes, I will punch you in the goddamn throat then pee on you, dawg. Why are you always getting into some weird shit, man? I've known you for years and I'm starting to think you're autistic or just fucking retarded. What gives?"

I go on to explain to J the reason I'm going, is to try and rekindle things with my ex from high school since I know she'll be there. So bringing a date is a must, especially if I want to grab her attention. For what it's worth, this Han Solo needs to find his Princess wanna Lei-a if you know what I mean. Otherwise, I'm gonna be rolling Hand Solo and that shit ain't the business.

JW: "Rekindle? This motherfucker is pulling some Saved By The Bell shit. You truly are one predicament away from a Jerry Lewis Telethon...just so you know. Ok, here's the deal...I don't know any broad that can do me a solid by going with you because they don't do stupid shit like that, so here's what I'm going to offer you..."

It was right then I knew this sack of shit had something messed up in his head and as I would have guessed it, it was fucked up.

JW: "A DARE, amigo. I dare you to ask your girl, Cat Woman."

As soon as those words spilled out of Wunderfuck's mouth, I saw my life flash before my eyes. The blow jobs, the cats, the mayo, the foot job, Subway sandwiches, the raunchy stench of cat shit and was like the bittersweet nightmare I no longer wanted to remember but always kept close to my heart.

JW: "If you do, I will pay for both your costumes AND your hotel room. The reality is bro, this bitch is the only bitch who will say yes and you and I both know it. So do we have a deal?"

It was then when I looked J in his eyes and uttered the words, "YES YOU SONOFABITCH, I'LL DO IT." The plus side was that I got to pick the costumes for you and I and since this was a themed wedding, the wedding rule was no costumes could come off and everyone had to be in character. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Regretfully, I still had your number, texted you and asked. Like the Ghetto Genius he is and predicted, you responded with a, "OMG...we haven't spoken or seen one another since Valentine's Day...of course I'll go. I LOVE STAR WARS."

We texted details a few days before I get our costumes. Knowing that I was going to be a pimp ass Han Solo, I had to make sure I got you the right outfit. One that disguised you so I wouldn't look like the guy who brought Jabba The Hut but was really dressed as Princess Leia. Fuck all that. So I did what any man in my position would do. I rented you the biggest Chewbacca costume one could imagine. That's right, I didn't ask what you wanted to be, I DECIDED for you. And surprisingly enough, you were actually stoked and yet turned on a bit. Thank God this wedding was open bar.

The day of the wedding was something like no other. Guests decked out in all types of Star Wars shit. From Luke to Darth to a clan of Storm Troopers, this wedding was actually legit. You and I cruised up and I couldn't tell you how many looks and "WOW, that's a great looking Chewbacca" compliments you received. Simply because you acted like mothefucking Chewbacca and were into it way more than the other two Chewbacca's that were there.

The best thing about this whole wedding was that no one had to see what you actually looked like. All that mattered was that they knew you were a woman and you were my date. I pounded so much vodka to numb any possible embarrassment I might have if you were to show your face. Yes, I am that asshole, but again, the goal was to bring you in hopes I ran into my high school ex. And run into her I did.

As I hoped for, she was dressed as Princess Leia and I have to say, she was looking finer than an ultra thin condom. We locked eyes and it was in that instance that we went off to the side and started to chat and catch up on life. My plan was working to a tee but I needed something to guarantee that she was mine for the night. Something to impress her SO much that I had it locked up. So I pulled a J-Wunder and The RINGER go-to move...

Ex: "So who's your date?"

Me: "She's not really a date."

Ex: "A friend then?"

Me: "Actually, she's one of those 'Make a wish' foundation people that I wanted to help out since her dream was to be part of Star Wars."

Ex: "Oh my God! That's so nice of you. I can't believe you would do such an awesome thing like that for someone and an organization. I always knew you had such a good heart."

It was right then she grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and went in for the kiss I have been waiting on for years. Then shit got fucked up...

A crowd on the dance floor had formed a circle and was chanting, "Chew-ee, Chew-ee, Chew-ee!!!" The ex and I run over to see what the hell was going on and there you were, in your Chewbacca outfit twerking like a goddamn epileptic going completely out of control. Shouting like the 7 foot monster, waiving your arms in the air, moving that 300 pound ass so fast, everyone was getting dizzy but loving every fucking minute of it. Never thought I would see someone so big, move so fast and have a crowd of over 150 people love every minute of it. You were so good, they gave you a light saber for "best dance of the night".

Ex: "Wow, she is really having a good time, huh?"

I had to make my move so I took my ex over to one of the private bathrooms and without hesitation, we start to make out and feel each other up like two high school kids behind the bleachers after school. My cock was so hard that I think it broke through my boxers then the zipper but I didn't give a shit. I was gonna get my fuck on and I was willing to go the extra mile for it. That's until you broke the door down...

You: "Grrrrrr....Gllllllaaaaaaaaccccckkkk....Wooooo....RRRRR..."

Me: "Get the fuck out...what the fuck are you saying right now?!"

You kept character and never broke. ONCE. It was like Big Foot barged in and was going for the kill. There I was with my dick out, boner and all, with my ex and her left tit just chillin' outside her bra and a confused look on her face.

Ex: "OMG. OMG. What is happening right now? Please tell me what the hell is going on?"

You kept talking like Chewbacca and pounding your chest like King Kong. It was then and only then when I noticed you had enough and started giving blow job motions with the light saber you had just won, showing the both of us that you were either hungry or wanted to suck my cock and fuck my ex with the light saber. Neither of us knew what the fuck you were actually trying to signal. At this point of the night, I was drunk and confused...still with a massive hard on that wouldn't go down because quite honestly, I was turned on and I was digging this shit.

Me: "Get out need to take your meds!!! Back demon, BACK!!!"

You finally left, but not before swinging your light saber at my meat saber and hitting the head of my dong. I turned over in pain as I knew you were pissed. My ex looked at me in the face and knew that something wasn't right.

Ex: "You're up to something and you need to tell me. That girl is "not special" is she? You have something going on with her, don't you? "

Still in pain from your light saber hitting my dick, I didn't say a word to my ex. All I could do was look at her in disappointment and tell her I'm sorry and that it's not what she thinks. She put her left tit back in her bra, gave me one last kiss on the cheek and left. I sat there for 5 more minutes...not because I was sad, but because I was in pain. That light saber had to of weighed 10 fucking pounds because it felt like Renaldo kicked me in the goddamn penis.

I collected myself and went outside to search for you. For ten minutes I couldn't find you until I got to one of the private rooms where I saw something that will scar me for life.

You were blowing Darth Vader. It was the most fucked up thing I could have imagined. There he was breathing like Darth while you somehow were blowing him with your Chewbacca head on. As he was petting the back of your head, he looked at me and gave me the thumbs up. I had no words. I just left.

The one night I thought I had the greatest game plan, backfired. BIG TIME.

Karma is a bitch and it punched me right in the dick.

This might just be the end,



Bele said...

I dunno if it is the fact my ribs are bruised from my car accident yesterday, or it is because I am laughing so hard at this shit. OMFG When well that dude learn?!!! Priceless, fucking priceless. Part of me wishes he might gain a few brain cells in the common sense department, while the majority is hoping that never happens. Fucking fabulous, keep it coming J, this shit is golden.

Anonymous said...

I want to see a tv episode of this. I would lose my shit because you guys are so damn crazy. Hahahaha!

SZ said...

Stories like this are precisely the reason why I read this blog.

chower said...

had a pretty shitty day so far, was kinda reading your story while chowing some fried octopussies. then you hit me like shit, the Darth Vader shit dude. wow cracking myself big time! love you guys. please never ever grow up.

Anonymous said...

I love this guy!!!! No new cat stories??? I read this blog everyday hoping for one!!!!