Giving Head Does A Body Good

It's the sexual act that has been with us since the dinosaurs. Genghis Kahn got some. Cesar definitely got some. And the homie who died for our sins, Jesus, without question, got some...his ass may not say he did, but come on, dude had beautiful ass hair, a beard and mad savior game.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're probably stupid. Folks, I'm talking about blowjobs.

Head.

Sucking dick.

Smoking pole.

The mouth javelin.

Any and almost every man is a fan of this sexual act and let's not forget the women who perform these amazing acts...well, except you chicks who use your teeth...STOP THAT SHIT. Y'all act like a dick is a mountain of chocolate truffles sometimes. That shit hurts. Dicks have feelings too. But I digress…

Back to sucking dick and why I'm writing about it.

I came across a column yesterday that not only raised both my bushy ass eyebrows BUT gives more hope to all men, men who have never experienced such a thing and women who feel that giving blow jobs just isn't the business.

In an article from Btnomb, research shows that giving head is actually good for your health…I'M TALKING TO YOU LADIES.

"...thanks to research at the State University of New York – is that that male semen contains a variety of chemicals that make you feel contented, younger and more affectionate."

Could it be? A dudes wad helps women achieve such amazing things? Content? Youth? More affectionate? You bet your sweet fucking ass, people. This is no joke. It's motherfucking science up in this bitch.

For those who only thought baby gravy could only get a broad pregnant, back the fuck up because according to this study, research showed:

"If you’re depressed, listless, can’t sleep, bored, fat or feeling suicidal, just go for your boyfriend’s zipper and give him a blow job." 

This is no bullshit and I'm not coming in dry, folks. Ladies, if you're having an awful fucking day and are thinking about jumping off the top of a goddamn building, there's a cure to turn that frown upside down. No, it's not taking a bunch of prescription drugs. It's sucking dick. The best part? It doesn't even matter whose dick it is. As long as it can produce sperm…and probably a lot of it, go find that dick and suck the living fuck out of it. Watch that depression go away!!!

Oh, you can't sleep? If no man is next to you in the sack, better make a call to your favorite cock from the past. It's like drinking warm milk at night…but instead of drinking milk from a carton or jug, you're drinking that shit straight from the source, yo! Super Dick to the rescue! BOOM!

Ate too much goddamn ice cream and pizza and feel like you're a big ass heifer? Don't even sweat it baby girl…find some cock and a good mix tape to smoke that pole to and within 5-10 minutes, you're gonna feel like a fucking super model. Shiiiiiiit…Gisele who??? Real talk!!!

Bored on a Friday night but don't want to go out with your girlfriends but don't want to stay home? Hit up Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, Craigslist, hell…hit up the motherfucking Yellow Pages and find some cock that you can put in your mouth. By the time you're done sucking the guy's soul from his body, bored will be so 1999.

With these studies (from probably sluts who love sucking dick and chicks who don't like big objects in their mouths and wear granny panties), research also showed:

"The sticky stuff is as good as any sleeping pill and, when you open your eyes on a new day, there’s nothing better for body and soul than to nudge the one beside you awake and pump out another warm milky draught with its zingy flavour of lemon and vanilla. If you don’t have a boyfriend, or swing the other way, suggest it to the next guy who looks up for it (they usually are) and, while he thinks head is GOOD for him, in fact it is even BETTER for you."

And y'all thought men were selfish when it came to us wanting you broads to blow us and not returning the favor by eating you out, huh? By you sucking cock, not only are you making your man happy, but you are benefiting from that shit 50% more! AND let's not forget to mention, your crazy bitch meter will be neutralized, your tendencies on wanting to kill a motherfucker will drop significantly, you won't want to kill yourself, you'll actually say, "Fuck the gym…I'm gonna just suck dick 7 days a week and feel fabulous," you're gonna feel pretty as fuck, you're probably gonna eat whatever the fuck you want, when you want (as long as there's dick nearby) and you will sleep like a baby because fuck insomnia, bitches.

I'm a fan of science. And I'm even a bigger fan now because not only are they looking out for women AND men, but this is a no lose situation for all parties involved. Sure dudes eating pussy might go down 30-40% but that's ok. As long as there's benefit to both parties by doing one thing, why even argue.

So don't sit there and hate on sucking dick. Not only will you live a longer and healthier life, but your man is gonna love you even more. Hell, he might start making YOU the sandwich.

Beyond Thunder-DOME!!!

Advice Column: How To Go Jobless & Not Blow Jobless

Dear J-Wunder,

I need a little bit of advice on what to get my boyfriend for our anniversary (1 year, next week - so excited!). I've been asking my friends and family what they think, but the problem is that they don't approve of our relationship.  My mom suggested that I just give him cash because that's what I've been doing since I had my unemployed boyfriend move into my condo that I pay the mortgage for. OUCH, right?!  He has been complaining about how he has gained weight since we moved in together, but getting him a gym membership makes it sound like I have a problem with him putting on a few extra pounds, in reality I like it.  I was then thinking since he also complains about his clothes not fitting, maybe I'd get him a gift card to The Gap or something, but that feels impersonal.  Last problem is that we don't have that much in common and he is 8 years younger than me (I'm 30, he is 22) so I'm hoping that you can help me out with something all guys would like. He is really great, I promise!

Sincerely,
Cougar in Seattle



Dear Cougar in Seattle,

My oh my, little lady.  Grrrr...

You know what your little boy toy needs for your one year anniversary? A motherfucking JOB sweet thang.  J-O-B. Fuck giving him clothes, money and all that other bullshit. Tell that lazy sack of shit to take a shower, get a haircut, shave, put on some pants that are the closest thing to slacks (because we all know recent college grads don't own "grown-up" clothes), a tie and go find his ass a goddamn job.  What you can do on your part, is help him use the internet to find those jobs.

You're 30 fucking years old. Got a good ass job. Own a condo. Probably fine as hell too. Life is good right? Fuck no it ain't. You wanna know why? It's pretty simple...

You're dating a guy who thinks a degree is just graduating high school. Motherfucker has no motivation. He's bumming off of you. Eats for free. Lives for free. Has no inclination what a fucking utility bill is. Watches all the pay-per-view a 22 year old could ever dream of (this includes every porn channel). Doesn't clean. Doesn't cook. Jacks off on all your socks and hand towels. Gets awesome blow jobs on your couch while holding a Bud Light, watching SportsCenter and stroking your hair three times a week. Has sex with you on your bed, in your kitchen...even in the laundry room. He eats.  He sleeps. He shits. He has sex. He's living the fucking dream. All on your goddamn dime.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Congrats that you've been dating a free loading soon-to-be-fat guy for almost a year. Seriously.  Congrats on finding a man that has a girlfriend for a mom. But is hotter. With bigger and nicer tits.  And gives great blow jobs. This is a match made in heaven. Just think...by June when you are almost broke and you guys go on that glamorous Hawaiian vacation you refinanced your condo for, he will be 300 pounds, still jobless and asking you for $20 so he can go play at the fucking arcade. Awesome.

C'mon you hot piece of ass...snap the fuck out of it! You know if you stay with this guy any longer what could happen?

1) He'll keep living off you for free.
2) He'll get fatter. He's obviously on his way.
3) He'll start demanding more shit which means more work for you, less work for him.
4) You'll start fucking less, sucking dick more.
5) You'll be broke.

22 years old and is living the dream. Think about that. When you were 22, what were you doing?  That's right, working motherfucker. Trying to make it to the top so you didn't have to worry about someone else supporting you. Why you're with him, I have no clue. But if I were to guess, a 30 year old like yourself dating a man 8 years younger only means one thing. This dude has a cock the size of a goddamn bull. I'm talking Seabiscuit status, right? He must lay his pipe down on you in ways that make you speak Chinese Ebonics. I'm a guy and I know when chicks date dudes for their big ass dong and nothing else.

So if that's the case, remember this. His cock is good for a limited time only. And while you do your thing and he gets fatter, the farther his stomach expands, the less cock you get to experience. Let me ask you a question:

You ever give a fat dude a blow job? Have you ever fucked a fat fucker? You are messing with a man who is about to get some Dicdu. It's a term you should never want your man to have and he's on his way.

So what should you get him for your anniversary? Fuck him til his face turns blue then tell him to take a hike.  

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder

The Dare, The Star Wars Wedding And The Return Of Cat Woman

Dear Cat Woman,

There are some things I take pride in. The moments I have had with you have not been one of them.

Roughly two weeks ago, I attended a wedding. A Star Wars themed wedding to be exact. Knowing this wasn't going to be your typical suit and tie with a fancy dress wedding, I knew my chances of getting a date were slim. Friend after female friend, I asked each one of them weeks prior to the event. To no avail, they laughed at me and weren't interested. One friend actually asked me, "Are they going to be serving special treats to all the well behaved kids, too?" Fucking cunt.

Dateless and desperate, my stupid ass decides to tell our fearless leader, Mr. Wunder, about the whole ordeal.

JW: "Are you fucking serious right now, bro? You are actually planning to go to a STAR WARS themed wedding? If you say yes, I will punch you in the goddamn throat then pee on you, dawg. Why are you always getting into some weird shit, man? I've known you for years and I'm starting to think you're autistic or just fucking retarded. What gives?"

I go on to explain to J the reason I'm going, is to try and rekindle things with my ex from high school since I know she'll be there. So bringing a date is a must, especially if I want to grab her attention. For what it's worth, this Han Solo needs to find his Princess wanna Lei-a if you know what I mean. Otherwise, I'm gonna be rolling Hand Solo and that shit ain't the business.

JW: "Rekindle? This motherfucker is pulling some Saved By The Bell shit. You truly are one predicament away from a Jerry Lewis Telethon...just so you know. Ok, here's the deal...I don't know any broad that can do me a solid by going with you because they don't do stupid shit like that, so here's what I'm going to offer you..."

It was right then I knew this sack of shit had something messed up in his head and as I would have guessed it, it was fucked up.

JW: "A DARE, amigo. I dare you to ask your girl, Cat Woman."

As soon as those words spilled out of Wunderfuck's mouth, I saw my life flash before my eyes. The blow jobs, the cats, the mayo, the foot job, Subway sandwiches, the raunchy stench of cat shit and potpourri...it was like the bittersweet nightmare I no longer wanted to remember but always kept close to my heart.

JW: "If you do, I will pay for both your costumes AND your hotel room. The reality is bro, this bitch is the only bitch who will say yes and you and I both know it. So do we have a deal?"

It was then when I looked J in his eyes and uttered the words, "YES YOU SONOFABITCH, I'LL DO IT." The plus side was that I got to pick the costumes for you and I and since this was a themed wedding, the wedding rule was no costumes could come off and everyone had to be in character. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Regretfully, I still had your number, texted you and asked. Like the Ghetto Genius he is and predicted, you responded with a, "OMG...we haven't spoken or seen one another since Valentine's Day...of course I'll go. I LOVE STAR WARS."

We texted details a few days before I get our costumes. Knowing that I was going to be a pimp ass Han Solo, I had to make sure I got you the right outfit. One that disguised you so I wouldn't look like the guy who brought Jabba The Hut but was really dressed as Princess Leia. Fuck all that. So I did what any man in my position would do. I rented you the biggest Chewbacca costume one could imagine. That's right, I didn't ask what you wanted to be, I DECIDED for you. And surprisingly enough, you were actually stoked and yet turned on a bit. Thank God this wedding was open bar.

The day of the wedding was something like no other. Guests decked out in all types of Star Wars shit. From Luke to Darth to a clan of Storm Troopers, this wedding was actually legit. You and I cruised up and I couldn't tell you how many looks and "WOW, that's a great looking Chewbacca" compliments you received. Simply because you acted like mothefucking Chewbacca and were into it way more than the other two Chewbacca's that were there.

The best thing about this whole wedding was that no one had to see what you actually looked like. All that mattered was that they knew you were a woman and you were my date. I pounded so much vodka to numb any possible embarrassment I might have if you were to show your face. Yes, I am that asshole, but again, the goal was to bring you in hopes I ran into my high school ex. And run into her I did.

As I hoped for, she was dressed as Princess Leia and I have to say, she was looking finer than an ultra thin condom. We locked eyes and it was in that instance that we went off to the side and started to chat and catch up on life. My plan was working to a tee but I needed something to guarantee that she was mine for the night. Something to impress her SO much that I had it locked up. So I pulled a J-Wunder and The RINGER go-to move...

Ex: "So who's your date?"

Me: "She's not really a date."

Ex: "A friend then?"

Me: "Actually, she's one of those 'Make a wish' foundation people that I wanted to help out since her dream was to be part of Star Wars."

Ex: "Oh my God! That's so nice of you. I can't believe you would do such an awesome thing like that for someone and an organization. I always knew you had such a good heart."

It was right then she grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and went in for the kiss I have been waiting on for years. Then shit got fucked up...

A crowd on the dance floor had formed a circle and was chanting, "Chew-ee, Chew-ee, Chew-ee!!!" The ex and I run over to see what the hell was going on and there you were, in your Chewbacca outfit twerking like a goddamn epileptic going completely out of control. Shouting like the 7 foot monster, waiving your arms in the air, moving that 300 pound ass so fast, everyone was getting dizzy but loving every fucking minute of it. Never thought I would see someone so big, move so fast and have a crowd of over 150 people love every minute of it. You were so good, they gave you a light saber for "best dance of the night".

Ex: "Wow, she is really having a good time, huh?"

I had to make my move so I took my ex over to one of the private bathrooms and without hesitation, we start to make out and feel each other up like two high school kids behind the bleachers after school. My cock was so hard that I think it broke through my boxers then the zipper but I didn't give a shit. I was gonna get my fuck on and I was willing to go the extra mile for it. That's until you broke the door down...

You: "Grrrrrr....Gllllllaaaaaaaaccccckkkk....Wooooo....RRRRR..."

Me: "Get the fuck out...what the fuck are you saying right now?!"

You kept character and never broke. ONCE. It was like Big Foot barged in and was going for the kill. There I was with my dick out, boner and all, with my ex and her left tit just chillin' outside her bra and a confused look on her face.

Ex: "OMG. OMG. What is happening right now? Please tell me what the hell is going on?"

You kept talking like Chewbacca and pounding your chest like King Kong. It was then and only then when I noticed you had enough and started giving blow job motions with the light saber you had just won, showing the both of us that you were either hungry or wanted to suck my cock and fuck my ex with the light saber. Neither of us knew what the fuck you were actually trying to signal. At this point of the night, I was drunk and confused...still with a massive hard on that wouldn't go down because quite honestly, I was turned on and I was digging this shit.

Me: "Get out Chewy...you need to take your meds!!! Back demon, BACK!!!"

You finally left, but not before swinging your light saber at my meat saber and hitting the head of my dong. I turned over in pain as I knew you were pissed. My ex looked at me in the face and knew that something wasn't right.

Ex: "You're up to something and you need to tell me. That girl is "not special" is she? You have something going on with her, don't you? "

Still in pain from your light saber hitting my dick, I didn't say a word to my ex. All I could do was look at her in disappointment and tell her I'm sorry and that it's not what she thinks. She put her left tit back in her bra, gave me one last kiss on the cheek and left. I sat there for 5 more minutes...not because I was sad, but because I was in pain. That light saber had to of weighed 10 fucking pounds because it felt like Renaldo kicked me in the goddamn penis.

I collected myself and went outside to search for you. For ten minutes I couldn't find you until I got to one of the private rooms where I saw something that will scar me for life.

You were blowing Darth Vader. It was the most fucked up thing I could have imagined. There he was breathing like Darth while you somehow were blowing him with your Chewbacca head on. As he was petting the back of your head, he looked at me and gave me the thumbs up. I had no words. I just left.

The one night I thought I had the greatest game plan, backfired. BIG TIME.

Karma is a bitch and it punched me right in the dick.

This might just be the end,

Anonymous

First Date Special Request

Advice Column: Me Sucky Sucky

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It's a Relationship With 9 Lives

Dear Cat Woman,

I thought I was done with you after your heinous sexting the night I was at the strip club with The RINGER. I have never been more disgusted by one individual in my life. That's a complete lie. I was pretty disgusted when me and the fellas went to that Donkey Show in Tijuana in 2002. Fuck, that was a goddamn night to remember. J-Wunder, I think you need to write about that...just putting it out there buddy.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I will admit that I will be needy. And when I say needy, I mean, horny. Although I want to scrub my eyes out with bleach everyday because of the horrid pictures of your goat's eye that I can't get out of my head, I will say that I miss you. Well, I miss your mouth. I miss your scent of cat nip and potpourri. The way you eat mayo out of a jar...or should I say tub.

How could one attractive man like myself be so attracted to a woman who resembles John Candy? As J-Wunder put it in a text, "Bro, you aren't attracted to her. You're attracted to her fucking mouth. You do realize you have a blow job addiction, right? I mean, if you could suck your own dick, you would. True story because back in college, you tried that yoga class out to see if you could get flexible enough to suck your own cock. BTW - you're fucking disgusting."

I'm an addict. A blow job addict. As ugly as you are Fluffasaurus Rex, your mouth is beautiful. Warm, moist, riveting. If they could have mouth models, yours would be #1. If they only shot porn with mouth shots around dicks and vaginas, you would be the Jenna Jameson of that shit.

I've dated and nailed a few chicks since we stopped talking a few weeks back. The sex was great but the blow jobs...they just didn't compare to yours. Nothing beats your style. Nothing beats the ambiance with the cats staring, cat shit just chillin' on the floor next to your Crocs, the smell of old cheese and wet farts. Let's not forget the shit ton of cat hair that lingered in the air and throughout the walls of your shitty ass apartment. Which reminds me...have you cleaned your place up yet because when I took a piss, I swear you had seaweed coming out of your toilet. What the hell am I doing with you????

I miss your mouth. I miss how it tickled my balls. I miss wearing those cat boxers that turned you on. I miss purring like a kitty when I blew my load and bruised your tonsils. There's no denying that you are one bad accident away from looking like Sloth from the Goonies but I don't care. As long as your mouth is intact, I'm ok with that. I know you are too.

This Saturday I will be in the presence of H-Bomb, Flo-Rich, RoMo, The BOSS, K-Piddy, OG and our leader, J-Wunder. Although I don't want you hanging out with any of us, I do plan to meet up with you for a possible opportunity at a blow job. Where and when this happens, we'll see. I just want to make sure that you're up for it but are ok to not show your face to anyone. Because if you do, I'll more than likely lie to all those around me and just say you're some prostitute who is looking for a good time. J-Wunder knows I don't pay for prostitutes. Ok, I do. Just Asian ones.

If you accept this offer, then I will see you Saturday night. I will be drunk. I will be wearing my cat boxers. And I will be expecting to purr like an animal that has been caged for decades. If you have no idea what that means...don't worry because I don't either. Just be ready to feel the wrath of my wang going in and out your mouth. And if you want, bring your cats. I don't mind. It kinda turns me on when someone(s) is watching.

The countdown to ThunderDOME is on...

Anonymous

Advice Column: What's That Smell???

Hello, 

So I have a question. Actually... It's more of an observation. And I think it NEEDS to be brought to some mens attention.

So in this day and age, it is completely acceptable now for a man to groom himself in his genital area. Not only does it look sexier to a female, but we all know where this is going. Less pubic hair in the mouth, up the nose, alot less cheesy sweaty ball sweat.

So WHY..... why why why do most men feel that the ONLY area they have to worry about is the balls and dick?

Most men have WAY more hair in their butt crack than women do. Most men sweat more and different then women do. And when a man takes a shit.... Chances are he's only using a few swipes of toilet paper and that's it. No wet wipes to finish it off like most women I know do.

So I leave you with this:
When I'm going down on a man, especially in the 69 position or if I'm laying down and he's standing on his knees (spread) above me...... I like to get really into it. Ya know, take care of everything. Balls and dick. And when I see a well groomed man I'm all happy and it makes me wanna perform better.

And THEN......

I get a whiff of that sweaty, nasty, hairy, shit smellin ass crack while I'm all up in the balls or laying back in a 69   And that shit makes me wanna puke. It is such a turn off and I don't even wanna finish at that point.

Please please please tell ur male readers to pay attention to this area.   There is a large population of women out there that complain about this.

But how do u bring something like that up in "that moment". It's embarrassing to the guy and it ruins the mood. But it's almost impossible to get thru without saying anything. This is a dilemma. Theres only one solution

MEN.... shave that ass crack. Don't stop at the balls. No woman wants to smell your poop when she's giving head.

I don't know how to say it to him without hurting his feelings. He probably doesn't know. So.... Since u have such an infectious amount of followers and u give it straight and 100% real. They will listen to you.

Please help ur fellow man.

Thank you. 

Sincerely,
Danni girl



Dear Danni Girl,

Couldn't you have just wrote in, "Dear J-Wunder, I hate it when guys don't groom past the balls. It's gross. What's your take on it because I know the men who follow this blog will listen. Thanks!"

Instead you wrote me all kinds of shit that probably left 18% of my readers sleepy as fuck.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Anyway, I'm done giving you shit. Time to get down to business (no pun intended...yet). It's gooo time!

Men, if there is one thing you need to realize, it is this:

SMOOTH AND CLEAN IS THE NEW 70'S PORN BUSH.

Fellas, remember back in the day when we all went through puberty and saw pubic hair growing around our privates? Remember how it felt fucking amazing because we knew that we were "developing into our bodies?" Remember that shit?! Bad ass, right? Growing out a bush and making your shit look like a stylized Chia Pet was the bomb! I remember when I used to get out of the shower, I would comb my pubes so I never had any tangles. Wait, what? As if my cock was gonna go out on a date or something. I ain't gonna lie, I even splashed a little bit of my pops Old Spice on the wang...you know, to make that shit smell manly as fuck.

Then one day, it happened...

Everyone and their mother were "grooming". It was almost a sign to let every person of the opposite sex know, "If you want a piece, your shit better be tamed WAY the fuck down." Because let's be honest people...no one...no man or woman likes to see something that looks like Chewbacca starring in the musical, "Hairspray." I'm just sayin'.

Every chick I know is groomed. Whether they shave their pootie tang down themselves or get it waxed by Beatrice at the Salon/Spa, 88% of the ladies take care of their shit. And trust me when I say this...US MEN APPRECIATE THE FUCK OUT OF IT. Especially me, because as a lot of you know, I'm a muff pie connoisseur and I can't be having extra sides of creepy crawlers if I'm munching away on some Pate de la Pu-se´.

Once some men took notice, we followed suit. If shaving around my wang, balls and taint was gonna be my golden ticket to board the Pound Town Express, then sign me the fuck up. I'll wax that shit myself if I have to. This was the mentality that a lot of males were thinking in addition to just realizing that "Yeah, my bush is looking a little out of control today. It does in fact resemble that of a retarded palm tree. Time to man-scape."

FACT: Grooming is the new black.

One would think because of this, all men do a good job like the ladies. Truth is, we don't. I mean, let's be real here for a goddamn second. Unless you're probably a gay man or work in porn, you think a majority of heterosexual males think in their head while trimming around their wang, balls and taint, "I better shave my ass crack. It's a little out of control."FUCK NO. Why? Because there's a good chance that the girl they are gonna bang, isn't gonna be anywhere near their asshole. HOW-THE-FUCK-EVER, there is one exception to the rule and you pointed it out...the infamous 69 POSITION.

By the way, I fucking love that position. But I digress...

Now, I don't know if you're into beastiality because it sounds like you are sucking and fucking some burly ass dude that looks like Big Foot. Every time you hop on the train to visit Willy Wanga and the Cockcolate Factory, you seem to hit the wall that is covered in fumunda cheese, a little bit of toilet paper, a dash of cinnamon, possibly some corn and a hint, just a hint...of sweaty asshole. Now, as a man who doesn't shave his ass crack and grooms only to the taint, I must say, the problem you're having isn't with guys NOT shaving their backside, rather, it's the guy you're with. Real talk.

I love blow jobs. You obviously love giving blow jobs. The guy you suck off really LOVES blow jobs. But are you giving this guy dome after he's run a marathon? Maybe finished a two hour spin class and the only shower he's taken was dampening his gym towel at the drinking fountain and giving himself a good 'ol rub down? And about that shit smell. You damn well know 75% of men aren't gonna use a wet wipe after they do the initial toilet paper wipe. We're not women. We aren't clever enough to think of shit like that. The closest thing we have to a wet wipe is wetting some toilet paper and wiping our ass with it. There...how's that?

Is the guy you're blowing maybe eating too much Mexican food and drinking malt liquor? I'm just shocked at the fact that even though you bitch about men with stinky assholes, you still take one for the team and finish the job. That's fucking amazing and I kinda want to get a bj from you now because that just spells AWESOME all over the fucking place. BTW - you're fucking gross. But I still love your ass.

Here's my advice so do whatever you want with it.

Next time you are hanging out in Willy Wangaville and it is just smelling like the pit of a 3rd World Country, here's what you do...

Go up to your man and tell him, "Come close to me. You smell that sweety? You smell that on my face? Yeah, that smell. Pretty gross, right? Yeah, well that's your fucking ass. PLEASE wash your shit because I'm one dingleberry away from biting off your sack and never giving you head again." Ok, that last part was pretty fucked up so disregard it. Unless, you're just fucking crazy and would pull some shit like that.

Get over the fact that men need to shave their ass cracks. Hair on their ass crack isn't the problem. NOT taking a shower, is. Because trust me, if a guy wants a bj and some sex bad enough, the dude will take 5 fucking minutes to wash his ass with some Dove soap so you don't have to suffer. Better yet, he will make sure (on his own), he has no funny business near the depths of the black hole.

Men, shave your ass crack? That's like asking men to watch a Lifetime movie marathon during football. Fuck that shit. You CRAY.

Here's another thought - STOP DOING THE HORIZONTAL CARTWHEEL.

I can't believe you keep sucking dong when it still smells like shit down there. Dafuq?

I dig it.

So Fresh and So Clean,

J-Wunder.