Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Hangover, The Drive And The Hand Grenade That Put Me Over The Top

I remembered it like it was Saturday...because it was actually Saturday. I'm at this bar with my buddies and like the guy that I am, I come in guns blazing and get this party started. 

Shot after shot...after shot. Tequila. Down the hatch. Fireball. Keep it coming. Jager. Stop teasing me. Rumplemintz. Now we are going old school. 

From the moment I set foot in one of the classiest dives around, I knew this night was going to be a great fucking night. 

I was drunk like a 15 year old with a six pack of Zima, walking around like a girl wearing six inch heels for the very first time. No fucks to give. No reasons to care. No standards. No morals. No nothing. Just fucking Shitty McShitfaced. I was beyond the point of getting any type of pussy but hey, shit happens as our infamous leader, J-Wunder, would say. 

We close down the bar, hop in a cab and take our asses home. 

Fast forward to the next day...

My buddy and I are heading home and like a stupid fuck, I decide to drive my car. With a hangover so bad that it made me cry twice, I just wanted to get the fuck home, curl up in a ball, order some pizza and watch Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal flicks. We get in the car with some bottled water, advil and a Bible to help us get through this 2 hour drive home. 

So you're not all bored to death, we get an hour into the drive when my buddy starts to get the most awful gas known to man. I'm talking some toxic Area 51 shit. This stuff was North Korea nuclear. No joke. 

Practically the rest of the drive, I had to roll down the window gagging my fucking brains out, hoping not to puke as he sat there, still wasted, laughing his ass off. His anus was like a machine gun with unlimited bullets. I almost pulled over and asked him to go lay his ass in the trunk because I was thoroughly convinced this motherfucker shit his pants and probably stained my seat. 

I kid you not, as soon as I roll up the windows, within ten minutes, this fool did something that I will never ever EVER forget. 

Dazed, confused, still a little wasted and hungover as all sin, I wasn't prepared for what my buddy did. Concentrating on the road and doing my best not to get pulled over for a possible DUI, this guy cups his hand between the seat and his asshole, shoots a silent fart out, cups that shit like he caught some fireflies, holds it and then as I was in mid yawn, this motherfucker throws that gas right into my mouth. We like to call this the HAND GRENADE. 

It was right then and there that the unthinkable happened. 

With no time to react, I felt like someone dropped a hot one in my mouth and I ingested death with a hint of basil and lemon. I swerve onto the shoulder, try to gain my composure then with one more whiff of what must have smelled like a 3rd World Country, I puked. 


On my steering wheel.






My buddy. 

The windshield. 

Any fucking place you could find in the front of a car, I hit that sonofabitch with such force, it looked like that scene from Pulp Fiction where Vincent shoots Marvin in the face and dude's head splatters EVERYWHERE. Fucked up shit, right?

Parked on the side of the road, puke all up in my car, I'm freaking the fuck out because what started off to be funny, shit got real. So real, that the smell made my buddy puke. Luckily, outside and on parts of the passenger door. 

Me: "What the fuck bro?! Who the fuck does that to someone who is hung the fuck over?!"

Buddy: "I've done that shit to you a million times. How the hell was I supposed to know you were gonna puke like the scene from Stand By Me, asshole?!"

Me: "Who farts like that? Are you sick, motherfucker?! You got a disease you ain't never told us about? You dying fool?! Whose ass smells like that?!"

Buddy: "Did you not notice what the fuck we drank, bro?!" 

As this whole argument is going down on the side of the road...puke splattered all over the car with remnants of Taco Bell and what I think was In and Out, a cop pulls up. 

We don't know what the fuck to do but sit there. Puke just chillin'. 

Cop: "What.On.Earth. What in God's name happened here?! Are you two ok? Jesus, boys. This is like a murder scene. Do you need assistance?"

Buddy: "Officer, my friend and I have the stomach flu and we were trying to make it home and get some rest."

Cop: "I think I might puke. What is that on your leg son?! Is that...Is that...Son, did you just shit yourself?!"

Buddy: "OMG...officer, I'm so sorry. I can't control myself. I'm really sick. This is soooo embarrassing."

*It was right here when I wish I had a taser to light this motherfucker up. Shit?! Really, bro?!*

Cop: "Boys, go home. Actually, there's a Target right off this next exit. Go there and get some stuff to clean this car up. You two are an absolute wreck. My God."

Me: "Thank you, officer. We're really sorry. We weren't expecting this. Especially my friend going dookie in his pants."

Ten minutes later, we find the Target, change into our clothes from the night before...but not before I slap the shit out of my buddy for not realizing that he threw up so hard he shat himself...through his pants and onto my seat. Not even the Ghetto Genius does something like this. FML. 

We walk into Target smelling like death, broken promises and other shit I would rather not even talk about. We leave spending at least $200 in cleaning supplies and towels. And believe it or not, we didn't do too bad of a job cleaning up what we could. 2 hours later, we head home and don't say a fucking word to one another. 

I drop my buddy off and as he opens the door I could only mutter the words, "Bro, I'm not proud of what we did, more importantly, I'm not proud of what you did by shitting your pants on MY goddamn seat. You're getting my car detailed and I don't care what it cost. Your ass is paying for it. No more hang grenades, man. Especially when I'm hungover like that. Dickface."

Buddy: "My bad bro. I didn't think one lousy fart would do that. You think that cop is going to tell his buddies back at the station?"

Me: "Who cares. You know what though?"

Buddy: "What's that?"

Me: "I'm gonna tell J, and make sure the whole world knows you shit your pants, asshole. Fuck you and get out of my car. See you tomorrow." 

Fuck this guy. 


1 comment:

SZ said...

Ain't that some shit