Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Advice Column: Christmas Party Free For All

Dear J-Wunder,

Is it okay to get drunk and make out with co-workers while making an ass out of myself at my company Christmas party?  I mean, it's a free pass right?  Everyone else does it.


Dear Shameless,

No shame in your game, huh? I respect that. I also respect the fact that you are down to get down at your company Christmas party. And I'm not talking about doing the goddamn Running Man with some Moonwalking all over the fucking place, either. I'm talking GETTING THE FUCK DOWN, SON!

There are a few things you should consider before making a move on any man, woman, or inanimate object (which includes but is not limited to: blow up doll, corner of a couch, cucumber, fruit salad, writing utensil, pig in a blanket, butt plug, vibrator, etc.) while at your Christmas party this year. As some may be quite obvious, it's always good to have a refresher on certain things that may justify you wanting to do some scandalous shit while hoping it acts as a "get out of jail for free" card. Check it.

1) Is there alcohol being served? What I mean by that is...is it an open bar or BYOB? Because open bar and/or BYOB means two things: 1) Getting COMPLETELY shitfaced (while blacking out) and 2) Hooking up (this means oral pleasure and/or boning...however, you could get the double whammy and accomplish both) with some random person and/or thing that is listed above.

2) Are there any attractive people you have your eye on? I know we tend to get beer goggles at functions that serve booze, but waking up next to a very ugly, unattractive and ratchet looking motherfucker (due to blackout and absolutely no morals with a hint of desperation) the next day is not something you want to tell your mom...especially if you live with her. See, you want to tell mom, "Yeah ma, I had such a dandy time last night. Oh, not to mention, I fucked the shit out of this hot ass co-worker of mine who used a butt plug on me for the first time EVER. It was so good he banged me into unconsciousness. BIG DICK FOR THE WIN! Epic times, mom. Epic times!" Before you booze, lock in your target, that way, you don't go off course and fuck yourself by making out with someone who has a lazy eye or get so wasted you decide to dip your titties in the vegetable tray ranch dressing.

3) Will anyone of very high authority be there? Strike that...do any of these people in the position of higher authority drink? If they drink, just make sure they do some shit just as bad or maybe a step worse than what the new employee would do. Because if there is one thing I know, it's usually at company holiday parties, the two people who make the biggest asses of themselves are the big boss (because he can) and the newbie (because they don't fucking know any better). You should be in the clear of any "one-on-one" meetings the following Monday. No eye contact or regroup discussions about what happened at the shing-dig. Shit gets REAL when fools are sober and pull out their phones and start showing pics and vids. Cue awkward conversation in 3, 2, 1...

4) Are you willing to basically give yourself to this co-worker at any moment in time? Hell, and if not a co-worker, are you desperate enough to just bang yourself with the secretary's dildo in your bosses office? Look, alcohol tolerance is all over the place at these functions. So if the person you're looking to bang is wasted before you are, be ready for that drunk cock to rise and your legs to spread.  Plain.And.Simple. If you strike out, then well, either go home or use the secretary's dildo. I say that because one time, I actually caught a co-worker of mine, fucking herself with a dildo in my bosses office. Now, I don't know if the bitch lost a dare, but when I walked in on her, I just stared like a little lost puppy in a trance, as she was so into fucking herself and wasted that she didn't even notice me. Go figure the phone I had back then was a fucking flip phone that had a big ass antenna that charged me $2 a text with no camera.


5) Will there be food? This is crucial to parties for a variety of reasons. 1) No food plus booze = Early night for everyone except the alcoholics, 2) Too much food plus booze = Throw up city for everyone except the alcoholics, 3) Seafood plus booze = Throw up city and diarrhea except for the alcoholics, 4) No food plus booze plus booty call = Whiskey Dick a.k.a. Erectile Dysfunction except for...you guessed it...the alcoholics, 5) An even ratio of food plus booze plus booty call = A good night of riding the Pound Town Express. Unless, you find an alcoholic co-worker, then you're all fucking set!

Five things you should think about. The first four points, be VERY CLEAR about. The fifth...well, that's a toss up depending on the situation. Whatever the case, go big or go home. Fuck if you can.  Drink more if you can't. Either way, you're gonna wake up the next day and say, "What the fuck happened last night?!"

Good luck!

Merry Fucking,


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