Advice Column: Christmas Party Free For All

Dear J-Wunder,

Is it okay to get drunk and make out with co-workers while making an ass out of myself at my company Christmas party?  I mean, it's a free pass right?  Everyone else does it.

Sincerely,
Shameless



Dear Shameless,

No shame in your game, huh? I respect that. I also respect the fact that you are down to get down at your company Christmas party. And I'm not talking about doing the goddamn Running Man with some Moonwalking all over the fucking place, either. I'm talking GETTING THE FUCK DOWN, SON!

There are a few things you should consider before making a move on any man, woman, or inanimate object (which includes but is not limited to: blow up doll, corner of a couch, cucumber, fruit salad, writing utensil, pig in a blanket, butt plug, vibrator, etc.) while at your Christmas party this year. As some may be quite obvious, it's always good to have a refresher on certain things that may justify you wanting to do some scandalous shit while hoping it acts as a "get out of jail for free" card. Check it.

1) Is there alcohol being served? What I mean by that is...is it an open bar or BYOB? Because open bar and/or BYOB means two things: 1) Getting COMPLETELY shitfaced (while blacking out) and 2) Hooking up (this means oral pleasure and/or boning...however, you could get the double whammy and accomplish both) with some random person and/or thing that is listed above.

2) Are there any attractive people you have your eye on? I know we tend to get beer goggles at functions that serve booze, but waking up next to a very ugly, unattractive and ratchet looking motherfucker (due to blackout and absolutely no morals with a hint of desperation) the next day is not something you want to tell your mom...especially if you live with her. See, you want to tell mom, "Yeah ma, I had such a dandy time last night. Oh, not to mention, I fucked the shit out of this hot ass co-worker of mine who used a butt plug on me for the first time EVER. It was so good he banged me into unconsciousness. BIG DICK FOR THE WIN! Epic times, mom. Epic times!" Before you booze, lock in your target, that way, you don't go off course and fuck yourself by making out with someone who has a lazy eye or get so wasted you decide to dip your titties in the vegetable tray ranch dressing.

3) Will anyone of very high authority be there? Strike that...do any of these people in the position of higher authority drink? If they drink, just make sure they do some shit just as bad or maybe a step worse than what the new employee would do. Because if there is one thing I know, it's usually at company holiday parties, the two people who make the biggest asses of themselves are the big boss (because he can) and the newbie (because they don't fucking know any better). You should be in the clear of any "one-on-one" meetings the following Monday. No eye contact or regroup discussions about what happened at the shing-dig. Shit gets REAL when fools are sober and pull out their phones and start showing pics and vids. Cue awkward conversation in 3, 2, 1...

4) Are you willing to basically give yourself to this co-worker at any moment in time? Hell, and if not a co-worker, are you desperate enough to just bang yourself with the secretary's dildo in your bosses office? Look, alcohol tolerance is all over the place at these functions. So if the person you're looking to bang is wasted before you are, be ready for that drunk cock to rise and your legs to spread.  Plain.And.Simple. If you strike out, then well, either go home or use the secretary's dildo. I say that because one time, I actually caught a co-worker of mine, fucking herself with a dildo in my bosses office. Now, I don't know if the bitch lost a dare, but when I walked in on her, I just stared like a little lost puppy in a trance, as she was so into fucking herself and wasted that she didn't even notice me. Go figure the phone I had back then was a fucking flip phone that had a big ass antenna that charged me $2 a text with no camera.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

5) Will there be food? This is crucial to parties for a variety of reasons. 1) No food plus booze = Early night for everyone except the alcoholics, 2) Too much food plus booze = Throw up city for everyone except the alcoholics, 3) Seafood plus booze = Throw up city and diarrhea except for the alcoholics, 4) No food plus booze plus booty call = Whiskey Dick a.k.a. Erectile Dysfunction except for...you guessed it...the alcoholics, 5) An even ratio of food plus booze plus booty call = A good night of riding the Pound Town Express. Unless, you find an alcoholic co-worker, then you're all fucking set!

Five things you should think about. The first four points, be VERY CLEAR about. The fifth...well, that's a toss up depending on the situation. Whatever the case, go big or go home. Fuck if you can.  Drink more if you can't. Either way, you're gonna wake up the next day and say, "What the fuck happened last night?!"

Good luck!

Merry Fucking,

J-Wunder

If office holiday party invites were honest...

Looking to top last years Holiday Party

J-Wunder's Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party

Holiday parties. A lot of you this year are planning to throw one. And like every party you host, you want to make sure it’s not just fun but EPIC, in a sense. So today, for those folks who are planning to throw a little holiday gathering but aren't sure what the fuck to do, grab a pen, some paper and take notes because I’m here to give you “J-Wunder’s Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party”.

Rule #1: Booze, Booze, Booze
I get that some of you might not drink and that’s cool. But let's be fucking real…booze makes shit a whole helluva lot more entertaining. Did you know that once the holiday season hits, alcohol sales increase by 72.6394%? Ok, that stat is a complete fucking lie but c’mon…don’t tell me for a goddamn second your alcohol intake doesn’t increase by that much (or more) once the holidays roll around? But I digress…

Booze at a holiday party is crucial. Why? Because it lightens you the fuck up. It puts those grouchy ass motherfuckers that you dread coming, in a better mood. It makes that person you’re planning to hook up with, not only look hotter, but help their morals go right out the fucking window. I mean, could you imagine how square a party would be without booze? No one would have anything good to talk about. No one could offend someone without sounding funny. No one could whip their titties or cock out on a Christmas dare…wait, what?

Please note: If you are part of the working class...please, please, please serve some good booze. Ain't no one trying to come to your house and drink Natty Light and Popov Vodka. You do that, and you'll get your ass kicked. However, if you ARE a college student, well, serve whatever the fuck you want (it's about quantity, not quality). 

Booze…serve some, drink some and get everyone shitty. If your guest can remember the following day, then you FAILED miserably.


Rule #2: Food is Mmmm, Mmmm Good
One thing a holiday party needs besides booze is food. Damn straight. No food? Have fun trying to keep guest at your pad for more than an hour, asshole. True story. Grub is important, especially when you’re serving booze. Nothing’s worse than serving a shit ton of booze and a couple goddamn cheese platters. You do that and you will see a lot of motherfuckers puking on your rug, kitchen sink, toilet, bathtub and dog. Yes, I said dog. Don’t ask…happened about 5 years ago. Not my fault they had more scotch than those piece of shit cucumber sandwiches. Just sayin’…

Anyway, no one is saying you gotta serve a turkey and shit. A good grip of appetizers should work. Taquitos, Hot Pockets, cheese platter, stuffed mushrooms…shit like that should fucking work. If you’re a lazy fuck like me and don’t want to make shit with your hands, go to Costco or Sam's Club and hit up the frozen food aisle. That place is a motherfuckers dream for holiday party apps.

Feed your motherfucking guests. If you don't two things will happen: 1) They will eat the shit in your fridge and cupboards and 2) They will steal your booze and fucking leave.


Rule #3: Music Keeps the Party Going
True story. If you have tasty booze, good food and great company…good fucking music makes the party that much better. Now, knowing this is the holiday season, you are probably asking if you should play Christmas music, right? Yes, but to a certain fucking extent. Don’t get me wrong, I love motherfucking Christmas but I don’t love hearing 10 goddamn renditions of Silver Bells. Basically what I’m telling you is that Christmas music is cool, but keep that shit limited. You know what kind of music your friends dig, so make sure your playlist is good enough to keep the party going and suits the crowd.

Ain’t no motherfucker trying to be all dressed up in cocktail attire, sipping on a martini eating a chicken skewer while listening to Marilyn Manson. Ya feel me?

Music = Dance fucking party


Rule #4: Hang a Mistletoe
Are mistletoe's gay? Not if you invite single, good looking motherfuckers. Here is one thing I learned on my path of a fucked up life: During the holiday season when people are wasted, they tend to be in good moods. Translation: Motherfuckers will make out with you at a holiday party if you have a mistletoe hanging around. They would probably make out with you regardless while trashed but, having a mistletoe makes the mood not so awkward. Don't believe me, try it. You're welcome.


Rule #5: Have Fun
Bottom line...you're hosting a party. HAVE FUCKING FUN. There have been so many times where I've been to parties where the host is an uptight assfuck (I'll admit, that used to be me). Here's an idea: Lighten the fuck up and chill the fuck out, motherfucker. Why host a party if you're gonna be all uptight and shit, right?

Party + Food + Booze + Music = Broken shit, dirty counter tops, puke stained carpet, dance party madness, randoms passed out on the couch, AWESOME NIGHT!

Realize that if your guests sense you're being an uptight little bitch, they'll leave. No one likes a Party Nazi so don't be one. Trust me, I know because I was one. So how did I snap the fuck out of it, you ask? Simple...I didn't want to be a little fucking bitch. I was cured of BITCHASSNESS. Yessss!!!


So there you have it. Five rules to follow. Were they no-brainers? Of course they were but sometimes people need some goddamn guidance. Take these tools and apply them because the last thing you need is hosting a shitty party that everyone will talk about. And we all know, throwing a shitty party is not fucking cool. AT ALL.

Tis the season motherfuckers!!!!