Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Advice Column: Fire Your Therapist

Dear Ghetto Genius,

Ok. So my therapist told me to not really deal w any sort of relationship of a serious nature. I'm pretty compliant as nothing I do works so since she is a professional I follow her directions. 

But. I started to see this guy not exclusively. Just dinner drinks....after like 3 drinks Ok. Not 3. I'm buzzed by then and drunk by 6 ish. I know. I know. Look. I feel as if I'm having a brief Britney Spears moment. Yes we are sober when we meet up usually. You know and all is well. No feelings nothing. He moves to DC for a job and that is that. 

And I'm fine. So he comes back this week for work here and wants to grab lunch catch up what have you. I agree. So I meet him at the hotel and well you know. 

I realize quickly we have not ever had sober sex. Ever. And we never will again. I swear to god. Worst. Ever. It's totally not how I remember drunk sex and I immediately am turned off by the speech impediment he has that I never ever noticed. So I don't know, he tries to go into freak mode and starts screaming my name. But, due to his speech impediment it doesn't sound like my name. It sounds like Denny not Dani. I'm totally thrown and stop him and say "what did you call me, that's not my name."  Not to mention lady Boner gone. He stops. Goes into the bathroom. Won't say anything. I get dressed. He comes out NAKED and proceeds to tell me "you know, I was starting to fall in love with you."

And to quote you the words "WAIT...WHAT??!!!" Flew out of my mouth. Long ass story short I left. Grabbed some complimentary pretzels and hung my head in shame. 

This isn't the first. Or the second time. This shit seems to happen to me on the reg. sex no sex date no date. I swear to god. I have to write a book. 

So professional advice, where do I start?

What say you Mr. W???

Love you

Dear Chick Whose Name Isn't Denny But Dani,

First of all, you don't need to write shit. That should be the least of your fucking worries.

You my friend are either lost in outer fucking space or delusional to the point that when you want to be in the moment, you are and when you don't want to, you aren't.

I read your email at work yesterday. Got home, ate some fried chicken. Drank some American Honey. Watched a little PornHub. Jerked off. Read your email before bed. Got on the BART train this morning. Read it again. Got to work. Read it yet AGAIN. And here I am finally writing you after reading your shit about four fucking times.

Now, I'm no Dr. Drew or some special therapist so what I'm about to tell you, either take it for what it is and follow it, OR ignore it and waste more money on someone who you obviously don't listen to and become the future cat lady of cat ladies. Shall we?


But before you keep that "Fuck you asshole...I'm never writing you again" look on your face for this whole column, just hear me out. I mean, if you came to me and pretty much said without saying, "fuck whatever my shrink told me," then I know you will listen. Please bare with me and the thunder I'm about to lay down on your ass.

Sweet tits, how does one individual who meets someone with a goddamn speech impediment, SOBER of all things, not know he had one until they end up screwing each other sober? I don't care how many fucking drinks you had while fucking another person wasted. Bottom line, if some person talks all fucked up, don't you think for a goddamn second that when they are as wasted as you are, they are going to sound even more fucked up? I'm talking about some serious shit that you see on those telethons where kids are all fucked up and when they talk you have no idea what the fuck they are saying but you nod a mile a minute and donate a dollar because that's the right thing to do. Yeah, that kind of shit.

The situation in itself is messed up. The moment was ruined when you thought this motherfucker was saying Denny when your name is Dani but he was really saying Thanny which is even worse because to me, I would think dude was calling you Fanny which I believe is a term used by motherfuckers in Europe.

A buddy of mine was dating some broad back at Cal Poly who was kinda like the dude you were fucking. Sex was great. Chick was super cool. Only problem? She had a super fucked up lisp. It was so bad, it would have been better off if she had a stuttering problem. I swear, the more this bitch drank, the more I couldn't understand what the fuck she was saying. ALL NIGHT LONG. One evening, I put my ear up to my buddies door while he was banging her, and as he was pounding her from what sounded like the doggy style position, I hear her say, "Oh my Godth...your thick ith tho big!!! Pull it out tho I can thuck your dick. THIT babe!!!" It was at that point I lost my marbles and laughed so hard I literally pissed myself a little and told my other buddies to come and take a listen. Now, as fucked up as her speech might have been at times, my buddy didn't care. Why? Because she was a cool chick and she fucked like a champ. One day, I asked him, "Bro, how do you not get turned off when your girl starts talking when you're fucking her?" His response, "I just block it out man...all Zen-like and shit. Or wear ear plugs when it's dark." I would say you should do the same but the reality is, a majority of women would rather walk away than deal with some fucked up shit like that.

I get that you got turned off because instead of you screaming, he was screaming. Specifically screaming your name which, to you, sounded like another name when in fact, it was your name just all covered up with more vowels, extra spit and an uncontrollable tongue because dude talks like a 6 month old baby. The worst part of all, this dude confessed his love for you. Which in turn, made you say, "WTF?! I'm out of this goddamn place" with the quickness.

Here's the part I'm questioning. How serious were you two for this guy to fall in love with you? Now, people these days are fucking crazy so if he fell in love with you because he's a needy motherfucker, then that's on him and you need to run as fast and as far the fuck away as possible. Hell, just file for a restraining order now! But if he fell in love with you because your pussy is absolutely gold, then kudos to you, my friend. How-the-fuck-ever, you did mention you were seeing this guy, but not exclusively...whatever the fuck that means since that term is used so loosely these days that motherfuckers use it as a safe word.

I will tell you right now, after further review, you need to wake the fuck up. Here's why.

If you are fucking someone and aren't fucking anyone else, even though you have absolutely NO attachments to that person, then you are in a weird sense, for lack of a better term, "dating them." How is that possible? Well, if you were seeing or sleeping with multiple people, you would not have written me asking for help on why this happens to you with men. Especially dudes like this. A woman seeing said multiple dudes, would just brush this shit off and see what guy #2 or #3 have to offer and go from there.

You took it to the point where you felt comfortable and in your head thought, "This works. I'm happy because nothing serious is going on and I can come and go as I please and plus, I AM LISTENING TO MY THERAPIST!!!" Yay me!

You flat out admitted this happens to you on the regular. Now why is that you think? If you knew, you wouldn't be in this situation multiple times, right? So here are my two cents:

You look for the wrong fucking guys. You are attracted to men who give you what YOU want and not what you want to give them. Why do you think you freaked the fuck out?! Chicks along with men who have bad luck with the opposite sex are either:

1) Desperate.

2) Want attention.

3) Will settle for ANYTHING.

4) Attracted to the same type of sorry ass motherfuckers, no matter what they say or think.

5) Idiots.

Question: How does one person fall into the same situation every single fucking time?

Answer: They are fucking stupid.

It's not because of the person they are dating is bad or doing something wrong (sometimes). It's YOU, motherfucker. You keep looking for the same shit in hopes that the course will change instead of looking for the change that you want. You're not going to pull your pants up before wiping your ass, are you? Then why the fuck would you look for the same type of person and expect a different result? You may think the guys you are dating or fucking are different. The only thing different about them is the way they dick you down and type of cocktail they drink. Other than that, it's the same shit you've looked for. ALL DAY, EEEERRRRRDAY!

Are you following what the fuck I'm saying? Any of this making sense?

Are you broken?

You're only broken if you don't wake the fuck up.

I've been rambling for too long. I need a goddamn drink.

BTW - do yourself a your therapist and ask for a refund. Bitch obviously isn't being real with you.

I'm out,



Anonymous said...

WOW, couldn't think of a better way to express that. Another great post

Anonymous said...

Hey J-Wunder u coming over for that bukkake fest tonight? Switchblade hasn't jerked it for at least a week and wants to facefuck u hard and fast.

- Tucker Max