Tuesday, December 10, 2013

White Russians, Cigarettes, Mary Poppins, A Black Penis And A Close Call

Christmas Night 1998.

Since 1997, my buddies and I decided to make it a tradition that every Christmas night, they would all cruise to my house and we would all hangout in my parents garage, drink our faces off, catch up on the sluts in our lives, talk about the good times and just enjoy another year that was.

For the second year in a row, the same 4 guys cruise over to my pad and the festivities begin.

Since the guys I hung out with were like me and didn't drink until college, we do Christmas evening up right and go with White Russians as our drink of choice. Why White Russians? I have no fucking idea. Maybe because they were sweet, tasted like coffee and mind fucked us into thinking we weren't going to get wasted too fast. Who fucking knows. All I know is that we had the biggest bottle of Popov five guys and two chicks would enjoy along with some Kahlua and milk.

Drink after drink, after fucking drink...we were putting shit back like it was nobody's business. One would think for as much as four 18-19 year old kids were consuming (in the time they were doing it in), they'd be all over the fucking place...puking, passing out and shitting themselves. Ok, fast forward to about hour number five when it all started to go downhill:

1) One buddy started walking around like a baby giraffe in heels spouting off some shit like he was getting his dick sucked like Bill Clinton. Motherfucker made no sense and til this day, no one knows what the fuck he was doing. Even himself.

2) Another buddy kept saying, "Whenever I'm on fire, I STOP. DROP. AND RRRRROOOOLLLL!!!" This motherfucker did it over and over and over again. By the time he got his ass up, he was covered in motor oil and had no fucks to give.

3) The drunkest buddy was an absolute goddamn mess. Dude was white girl wasted. I'm talking puking from one end of my parents driveway to the other. Crying because he his whore ass girlfriend was fucking a high school sophomore who I think actually had a bigger dick than him. No one has confirmed this but I'm almost certain we saw him shit his pants as he just said "fuck it" and pissed himself too.

4) This guy was making out with my sisters best friend. Big ass black dude. Mouth fucking and titty grabbing a white girl who was innocent as Mary fucking Poppins. Well, so I thought...

5) Then there was me. Drunk as fuck. Could barely see. Telling everyone I loved them like family. I was so fucked up that I started to smoke my dad's cigarettes like a fucking chimney. And it was at that point when the night went from wasted, to an accident almost gone terribly wrong...

Remember how I was talking about my black buddy. Yeah, he's 6'6" and like my brother. He was making out with my sisters homegirl and those two were so drunk they really didn't care if we were watching. But like any group of friends, we didn't care and let these kids be. That was until they took making out one step further...

Drunk as shit, confused as fuck and out of sorts like Charlie Sheen on a 10 day coke binge, myself along with three of my other buddies were sitting across one another laughing about absolutely nothing trying not to wake up my parents, while trying to stay composed. It was then and only then that all four of us turn to my buddy and my sister's friend and we see him do what we never thought we'd see him do...at least in front of us.

He pulls down his pants and as he lowers his tapered ass jeans down to his knees, all you see is this little white milky hand reach into his boxers and pull out what seemed like the biggest dick any 18 year old should not own. At least not at that fucking age. FUCK NO! Not to sound all gay and shit but guys...my boy was packing some goddamn heat. Dude had a lead pipe so big, I was thinking about taking my dad's shopvac and trying to suck that shit up and kill it. It didn't look real. It looked like all those big ass black dicks you saw in old school porn films where you thought they did some type of magical film editing to make it look real when it really wasn't. This was something you thought was Godzilla's arch nemesis. 18 years old and dude was walking around with three fucking legs.

Myself along with my three other buddies faces automatically dropped. I went into immediate depression as I looked into my pants and told God I hated him and my father for giving me the "average penis" and why did the black guy have to have a penis that looked like 10 of mine. It was like my sister's friend was holding a black Louisville Slugger and she wanted us to throw her a ball.

Trying to not choke, I grab another one of my pop's smokes and light it. That's when all bets were off. Ignoring everyone that was in the room, these two start making out again and while they are doing that, she takes both hands and starts to jerk him off...dudes wang was so big she could have used two more hands to cover his shit up. Straight up.

As she's jerking him off and he's making out with her, my buddies and I get out of our chairs and begin to approach them. It was like we were going to see the Mona Lisa up close for the first time.

Right as we are about three feet away from them, my buddies and I start talking about his dick like it was some sort of mysterious fossil we just found. While we're chatting, Mary Poppins is over there tugging on his dick like she was trying to put it in a rear naked choked and put it to sleep. It was at that moment as we turned around that the cigarette in my mouth flies out and is heading straight for my boy's airport tower. 360 after 360 after 360, we watched my cigarette slowly rotate towards his wang with the tip of the cigarette cherry fucking red and ready to burn anything that crossed it's path. It was possibly the longest 5 seconds I could ever imagine.

Then it happened...

Buddy: "FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!! What the fuck, bro!!"

White Girl: *screams like dudes dick caught on fire*

Me: "Damn bro, I'm sorry. It just flew out of my fucking mouth. You know, if your dick wasn't so goddamn big it would have missed. Dude, where did it hit you? Is it bleeding? What the fuck am I going to tell my parents if we gotta take you to the hospital man? I burned your cock with a fucking cigarette? They will beat the shit out of us and think we are doing some weird shit to one another."

We all take a step back and my buddy (still hard and all) grabs his dong to survey the damage. Sure enough, the cigarette doesn't burn his cock but, in fact, burns a spot about half an inch from his cock.

Buddy: "J, you got lucky bro. I was about to go crazy."

Me: "I'm not the motherfucker whipping his dick out in public about to fuck some white chick on top of my parents Oldsmobile. Asshole."

As he pulls up his pants and we clear the air, it's about 3am and my sister does her sisterly duty and drives all my drunk ass friends home.

Of course, we take home my black buddy and her friend last. I'm not really sure it's payback for what I did to him, but he did make it a point to get a blow job from her in the back seat on the ride home. And let's just say, she doesn't swallow.

Oh, and if you're wondering about that burn mark by his penis...there's a scar there and he makes it a point to remind me every fucking Christmas how he got it.

Happy fucking holidays y'all!


Anonymous said...

OMFG!!! I literally LOL'd in my office! DYING!

Anonymous said...

I don't even know why I'm subscribed to this Tucker Max wanna be. You try to hard.

Anonymous said...


Looks like someone loves sucking TM's dick. Pretty sure no one on this blog who contributes cares what you think.

Great read, J!

Erica said...

Good lord... I was laughing so hard my son got out of bed to ask if I was OK... Hahahahaha!!! I am terribly sorry that Anonymous is a jealous bitch and is probably jerking off thinking about your friends dick... Go read Tucker Max, dick! Yeah the chapter about racing fucking pickles down a window at McDonald's...

Unknown said...

"It was like we were going to see the Mona Lisa up close for the first time." Hahahha....Fucking hilarious!!! I can't get enough of your blog, dude! :) And who the Fuck is Tucker Max? That dude read this 2-3 page blog entry and then takes time to post a comment talking bout, "I don't even know why I'm subscribed to this Tucker Max wanna be. You try to hard." Bitch, why are you hating? Nobody asked for your opinion and no one gives a Fuck about what you're subscribed to. J-Wunder, that rude ass comment was probably one of those bad bitches you fucked back in the day that misses your dick.....hahaha

Much love and Happy Holidays,

Anonymous said...

I was just laughing so hard a choked! You are the funniest! Much Love and Mad Respect!

LTrain said...

Mmmmmm...black dong... LOL!! Hilarious!!