Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Advice Column: Under Cover Brother Lover

Hi J!! I just saw your post about your awesome advice column, and I have something I could use your advice on.

One of my best friends from elementary school on died in 2009. She committed suicide, she was 25 years old. We hadn't been as close for a few years before she passed away (our lives were just in different places, no bad blood or anything like that) but it still hurt like shit. Still does, and I miss her like crazy.

We pretty much lived in each other's houses for like a decade, so I know her parents and her two brothers very well. I hadn't seen her oldest younger brother (let's call him Jason) for a couple years, until this past weekend - he and his brother came to a birthday party for a mutual friend. It was great to catch up and we had a great time, getting drunk, whatever. At the end of the night, Jason and I were alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. I was shocked but I kissed him back - I'm single, he's single, he's a really nice guy and pretty cute, so why not, right? I ended up going back to my place and after Jason dropped his brother off, he came over and we hung out for a few hours. No sex, just lots of making out and cuddling (awwwww!) and it was really nice.

I'm not sure how I feel about this and the possibility of more happening for a few reasons. One, Jason's brother and our friend walked in on us kissing, and neither of them were thrilled about it. They didn't say anything at the time, but my friend and I talked the next day and she told me the main thing that bothers her is that Jason's sister wouldn't have liked it bc she was very protective of her brothers. I had that thought too, but after thinking about it some more, I think it doesn't matter what she would have thought, because (and I do not mean this to be harsh) she isn't here anymore and she made the decision not to be here. But then I thought some more, and if Jason's brother was bothered by it, what would their parents think? I don't want to do anything to upset them, you know? I don't have a bad relationship in any sense with any of them; I just think it might be hard for them to see their one of their deceased daughter's best friends date their son. I don't know.

The other reason I'm confused is.... Jason is a really nice, good guy. He's a little shy and a homebody. He's probably never said anything mean about anyone his whole life. Other than being a nice girl, I am none of those other things. I have no idea how to proceed with a guy like him, especially given the history of our relationship as brother/sister's best friend. I am so used to being with bad guys and being a bad girl and I have no clue how to do this!

Any advice that you have would be great. Thank you!!

Dear Potential Bro-Banging Friend,

I saw that you typed this word vomit on your iPhone and for that I am impressed, but for fucks sake, y'all need to put a pin in it sometimes. I could have written this jibber-jabber in a 1/4 of the space and still gotten the point across. Your thumbs must look like a 14 year old boy's palms when he first learns how to make the magic in his pants, by himself. But, you brought up some good shit, so I am going to let the Niagra Falls that is your question, slide, and give you what you want. Well, kind of. You see, J let me tackle this because if there is one thing I know, it is about sibling hook-ups and over-protective little sisters, whether they are on this planet or not.

You see, I am the younger sister of OG, whom some of you have seen in previous columns and have heard the level of bat-shit-crazy I bring to the table when he is concerned. I have gone as far to make him sign bar napkins at 2am, stating that he will not marry any more carnie-trash-skanks without my prior consent. One trip down the skank-rabbit hole is all it takes for a sibling to have to step-in and lock it up for the other sibling. I will say matter if I am on this planet or not, you fuck with my brother and I WILL find a way to get back to you. I will get all super natural, Patrick Swayze in Ghost, if I have to. If someone doesn't believe in the afterlife, fuck with my brother and I will make you believe. Trust. With that being said, I am also going to let slide the little remark you made about "Jason's" sister not having a say in things because she is not here anymore. Suicide is fucked up and tragic and should not be an excuse to rub your Hot-Pocket all over her brother's wang, because you got a little drunk and hor-nay.

Now that I have said my over-protective sibling peace, I can tackle the rest of your meow-meow with some ease. Grab a seat and a take a load off, shit's about to go down faster than a 2 dollar hooker. Biz-natch.

If you think "he's a homebody and I am a social butterfly and opposites don't attract," isn't a problem, it will be. The thing is, chick-a-dee, I know many couples who you would look at and be like, "What in the actual fuck possessed those two ass hats to get together," because you would have never put those two together in a million fucking years. And you know what? Those are the most stable relationships I have seen in my 34 trips around the sun. When you are dating someone for more than kisses and cuddles, that superficial shit is what the relationship is all about. But, if you are trying to get that motherfucker to like it so much that he wants to put a ring on it, that superficial shit is just that - SHIT.

When you get down to brass tacks in a relationship, it's not about you two loving all the same goddamn things all the time. It's about what's at your core and if that shit meshes, then all the other stuff is inconsequential. The couples I see that are up each other's culos 24-7 because they like all the same shit, are the ones that I also know want to secretly choke-slap their significant other when they breathe too heavy during American Idol. Conversely, like my boy Chris Rock said, you also can't be too opposite of each other - you have to find out if you have the right balance of ying and yang to make this mess work. But, that is up to you to figure out if you even want to take it to that level. You following, Sweet Tits?

I can see your hesitation and that isn't a good sign about the future of this...whatever the fuck it is. Take it from me, as I am the Queen of being unable to read horrible signs and hesitations. It doesn't help the fucking situation that when it comes to relationshit stuff, men are simple and women over think every, single, solitary, minute, fucking detail and crush any chance of shit being chill and happening naturally. If anyone questions that last statement please refer to the above grade-A meow-meow that was typed out on an iPhone, for the love of all things holy. Sweet tapping dancing Jesus, I have a hard enough time typing more than a few words on my phone, so forgive me if I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you wrote all that on a fucking iPhone.


If you are worried about what his family will think if you two decided to do more than grind on each other's fuck parts like a bunch of teenagers, that too is a load of horseshit. Don't make this into some Romeo and Juliet-type nonsense and make it more than it is. No matter how protective a family is over their own, if you are a decent girl-girl and you are going to make their boy happy, they are going to allow that shit. Unless they are selfish assholes; because if that's the case, fuck them and the horse they rode in on...sideways.

If you are good like you say you are - and you do seem like it from your email that would have probably been on pink paper with hearts and flowers with scents of Love's Baby Soft, if we still lived in an age where you wrote letters asking for advice - then this should be a no brainer for them, since you already have street cred with them. I know that if I was smart and hitched my wagon to one of OG's friend's when I had the chance, I probably could have avoided the slew of twat-waffles that came my way. And if I was less of up an uptight cunt and let my brother date some of my friends, he may not have ended up with the girl with the busted unicorn tattoo. True story.

Hindsight is better than night vision, let me just tell you.

Much like men have the hot/crazy scale, where they decide how much crazy they are willing to allow versus how hot a chick is, women have the risk/reward scale. That is where we decide if the risk of trying to start some shit with a dude will be rewarded with either some good-ass sex or an awesome ass fuck relationship (or if the stars in the universe align, both), or if we need to pack up our baggage and hustle our hoo-ha somewhere else. That, my dear sweets, is something you have to figure out on your own. No advice J-Wundercunt or I could give you will be right for you, because we are not you. You seem to be pretty aware of what you are going to do, so trust yourself that you are going to do the right fucking thing, even if it's not the easiest thing to do.

Sorry I couldn't give you an absolute answer, however, let me leave you with this quote from one of the greatest movies of all time: Get busy living or get busy dying.

In other words, DO YOU. All day, every day.


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