Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Yearly Physical

Every year I try and get a physical. Because coming up on 35, I gotta make sure my cholesterol is on lock, my blood pressure ain't rising, my limbs are functioning properly and my dick don't got something that isn't supposed to be there.

The other day, I went to get my yearly physical by my awesome ass doctor, who by the way, is a woman. Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, "Damn J, did you get a girl doctor because you like it when she touches your penis? You chose a hot one, huh?" In all actuality, I chose a female doctor because she's cool as fuck, is good at what she does and has received numerous compliments as a physician. And no...she's not hot. She kinda looks like an archeologist...but one that touches my balls.

So there I am in the exam room, chillin' in my gown with just boxer briefs on underneath, waiting for the doc to come in. She arrives, we shoot the shit, catch up on how things are going, get in a few laughs and then get down to motherfucking business.

She checks my blood pressure, vitals, breathing, limbs and all that other shit we all know goes down when getting a physical. And before it's over, she does the infamous, "Ok J, stand up, drop your pants and face me." Time for her to do a ball sack check with a once-over of my dong. Easy peasy, right?

You know, having countless physicals in my life, one would think this would be so fucking routine. Mind you, it usually is, 100% of the time. But on this day, not so much.

See, the night before I was with a lovely female and of course we boned pretty much all night. Then before I left the next morning, I showered and got dressed. But as I was leaving, I saw her naked body all cozy and shit, so I decided to wake this lovely lady up and give her the, "I'm heading out, it was fun...let's have goodbye sex" right fucking now. So of course, we fucked...but all slow and shit because waking someone up out of a deep sleep, you damn well know you can't just go into battle, guns blazing and start fucking like a rabbit having a seizure. That's just rude and inconsiderate. So after about 3 dick pumps, I was like, I gotta go boo...then started fucking her like I was sprinting the last 1/4 mile against a Kenyan in a goddamn marathon. I shoot my baby gravy in her bucket o' goodness, wipe my dong on a towel then head on out. Where was I? Oh doc was about to check my goods, 6 inches from her face.

As I'm standing there with my drawers down to my ankles and my doc about to examine my hand brake, my mind ended up getting lost. For some fucking reason, I kept thinking about the chick I boned the night prior and earlier that morning. I was thinking, "Damn, I love fucking that broad. Never a disappointment when my penis has dates with her vagina. I love me a sexy woman." From there, my mind started to race off and in my head I was picturing us fucking in my doc's exam room. Straight up porn style. As all this is going on in my head, my doc starts flipping my cock around and while that was happening, my dick started to rise. Not at the fact that she was doing her job as my doctor, but at the fact I was in a goddamn fantasy fuck land, day dreaming about banging this broad while checking her heart with a stethoscope against the door.

And it was then when I snapped out of my porn dream and realized I had a fucking HARD ON. As much as I want to lie and say it was a chubby, it wasn't. My dick was hard as a rock. I'm talking the head of my penis looked like it was about to burst. Veins so pronounced you would have thought my dick was in a body building competition. People, I was getting a yearly physical like I always do, and here I am with a fucking hard on that was so stout and proud that my doc was even impressed.

Doc: "I'm going to take this as a compliment, J."

Me: "OMG...doc, it's not what you think...I..."

Doc: "Don't worry about it...this isn't the first time this has happened to one of my male patients."

Me: "But seriously, doc..."

Doc: "J, J,'s ok. People get nervous for no apparent reason and they get erections. That's the how the human body sometimes reacts." *touches my balls then tells me to cough really loud*

Me: *coughs then farts* "Jesus...I'm so sorry. This is so goddamn embarrassing."

Doc: *laughs hysterically* "J, at least you know your privates are functioning so no need to prescribe anything for that, right?"

Me: "God, please fucking kill me now."

While this portion of the physical is done, I decide the only thing I can do is laugh it up and tell my doc that her hands are probably magical and she should get a night time gig somewhere. Being a good sport, she laughed and like everyone does, proceeds to call me a crazy ass and can at least appreciate my honesty. That said, I think my appointment is over and I start to pull up my boxers when suddenly...

Doc: "Whoa J...turn around and bend over. Gotta check the back side."

Me: "Um...aren't I too young for that?"

Doc: "You're never too young. I like to check my male patients every so often to make sure there isn't any funny business going on."

Me: "Uh, ok." *confused ass look on my face*

Hey I get it. I gotta get fingers up my ass to make sure my prostate is all good. But after what just happened a few seconds ago, the last thing I need is something else to surprise the fuck out of both of us. Like you know, she sticks her finger up my ass and as she pulls it out, a ton of dookie shoots out of my anus at mach 3 speeds and hits her in the face or something. That shit would not be the business. But I digress...

I do as I'm told, turn around and get ready for doc to play, "Guess what's in your ass, son?" And what felt like eternity, I hear the doc coat a ton of lube on her finger while hearing the words, "Ok, are you ready? I'm going in." Right then and there is when I feel not one but two...yes two fucking fingers penetrate into my asshole as I open my mouth with a look of horror, surprise and I turn my head and say to her, "Is that two fingers, doc?" She says, "Yup...sometimes one isn't enough." I turn my head back around as I literally feel this woman feeling around as if she's trying to reach for my sternum. I mean, this broad was really going to fucking town longer than she should have. It was like my asshole was being initiated into a gang or something. All THUG LIFE and shit in the anus.

My face showed more than words could have spoken as she was having a good ass time as I stood there, bent over and violated like a little bitch. She finally pulls her fingers out, says, "You're all good!" and hands me some tissues to clean the lube that is pretty much seeping out of my asshole. Is it me, or is it really fucking awkward wiping your ass that is full of lube in front of your doctor that is just standing there watching you? Don't get me wrong, I would have waited til she left, but this shit was about to run down my balls onto my leg. I ain't about that life. Ya feel me?

Me: "Today was an interesting one, doc. Thanks for the non-awkwardness. Glad we can be adults."

Doc: "Always a pleasure, J. Make sure you keep up the good work! Hopefully the next time I see you is in a year and nothing bad happens in between. Take care."

If there is one thing I can take from all this, it's that getting a boner while your female doctor is giving you a physical is not a bad thing. That's just how the human body reacts sometimes.

Never a dull moment.


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