Monday, June 23, 2014

He Came, I Saw, They Conquered

Dear Blind Date,

I promised myself that I would never do blind dates or dating websites ever again. My last experience left me with a very large woman who owned like 23 cats and smelled like onions and paprika. But man, she gave great blow jobs. No question.

After my acts of desperation with the infamous "Cat Woman," I took a break. A VERY long break. One that involved tons of visits to the local strip club and massive amounts of booze. I almost felt depressed. But having asshole friends like J-Wunder and The RINGER, they got me out of my slump. They set me up with a few dates to boost up my confidence again. And can you believe they actually set me up with hot chicks?! They weren't crazy either. Who would have fucking thunk?! J and TR know normal woman. The fuck is that about?!

As awesome as that was, it was nothing more than a date and maybe a few games of "just the tip." I had to find ME again. Obviously last time, I didn't find me but found a woman who loved eating jars of mayo and catered sized Subway sandwiches. However, I was on a mission. A mission to find a good one. A fun one. The right one. So what did I do? I went on Tinder. Don't judge.

It was a Saturday night when we found each other as matches. When I met you at the bar, it was like everything I'd hope for. Beautiful girl. Gorgeous eyes. Amazing body. Upbeat. Great smile. I could go on forever.

We sat down and started to chat as if we had known each other for years. The chances of that are slim to none. This night was off to a great fucking start.

You weren't shy which is always a plus. We then begin to order drinks. I ordered a Basil Hayden on the rocks and you ordered a beer and shot of Fernet. This night was getting even better.

We talked about anything and everything. It was simply magic. And as the night went on, we talked more, we laughed more and better yet, we drank more. Shot after shot, drink after drink, I was so amazed how you were putting shit back like a champ. It's usually around drink 6 or so, that I can tell if a girl I'm with has that "crazy bitch vibe," but you had none of it.


We kissed at one point and started to hold hands. The message was clear around and I were gonna go back to your place and fuck like two virgins on prom night.

You asked if we could leave and I happily obliged. I got us an Uber and we headed back to your place. Full-on make out session in the car for 20 min. I couldn't help but thank the Fuck Gods for blessing me with this fine specimen of a woman that was you. One who didn't smell like cat shit and potpourri. One who actually was under 200 pounds. One who made my dick jiggle when you bit my bottom lip. We finally arrived to your place...then shit got REAL...

Barely able to control ourselves, our clothes come flying off at the front door. With no patience to even go to your bedroom, we decided to get it on in your living room. I reach for a condom but you tell me you want it raw. That's the shit I'm talking about. I didn't even ask if you're on the pill because, at the time, I was so wasted that I convinced myself that the alcohol I consumed would actually kill my sperm. The fuck was I thinking?

You start to take control and tell me to lay on the ground. The first thing that comes out of your mouth is, "I'm gonna take you on a ride to the Pound Town Express, baby." It was right then and there something wasn't right. "Pound Town Express"?! The only way you could have known that term is if you were a fan of the Ghetto Genius blog. That term is used RELIGIOUSLY. We even made shirts of that shit. I start to think if you fucked J-Wunder or The RINGER. Hell, you might have even fucked H-Bomb. Could you have? No way. But what if you did? I mean, I am bro's with my bro's, so no big deal, right?

I go with it and block out everything you're saying. I'm here to fuck and fuck is what I did. 10 minutes in, you start to make "choo choo" noises. You begin to say shit that is so left field that I think you're that chick from the exorcist. Fuck it though, I dig it. I'm drunk. You're drunk. Nothing weird is happening except whatever shit is coming out of your drunken mouth.

Then with my luck, something fucking weird happened...

The RINGER comes busting into the living room with a leather mask on, butt ass naked with a cock ring around a solid ass boner, holding a paddle.

Me: "What in the fuck, bro?!"

TR: "Surprise, fucker!"

Literally as this is going on, you're still riding me telling us you're down for a threesome.

Me: "Wait...what?! How do you know..."

TR: "Shhhhh...just let it happen, dog. Let's do this shit. She's down. Just look at her, homie."

Chick: "So who am I fucking and who am I sucking?"

TR: "You can fuck me then suck my boy, baby! Hey, how bout some double penetration?!"

I push you off me as fast as a teenager getting caught jacking off by his mom.

Me: "Dude, what the fuck are you doing here? And why the fuck are you wearing a leather mask you sick fuck?"

TR: "Bro, remember that girl I told you about that I've been banging for the last month?"

Me: "Yeah."

Chick: "Surprise!!!! We wanted to spice things up for you."

Me: "So you set me up you, assholes?!"

TR: "I mean, I wouldn't call it a set-up, man. Consider it a 'welcome to the kinky side'. So we gonna do this or what? Don't fight the feeling. You fucked Jabba the Hut for fucks sake."

The RINGER, still with his goddamn mask on and cock ring around his hard ass dong, I wanted to take that paddle out of his hand and smack his dick for pulling this shit. You have NO idea.

Me: "Ummmm...I am not gonna fuck this girl with you, man. I can't believe you would pull this shit. Remember that time you touched dicks in that other threesome you had?! I ain't about that life. Get that fucking mask off your goddamn face, asshole!!! You look like that dude from Pulp're freaking me the fuck out! Why the fuck am I friends with you dicks?!"

TR: "Hey man, we're just trying to get you back out there and get you laid and experience all the goodness in life. Don't hate me. Hate J-Wunder's ass because this was HIS idea. Just don't tell him I said that."

As this argument is going on, you just sat there playing with yourself as if this was turning you on. What the fuck just happened? I felt almost used. We were fucking and it was magical. Then, RINGER the goddamn gimp comes in trying to make this a fuckfest.

How on earth did this go from amazing to WTF in a matter of minutes? As I stood there with the worst case of blue balls ever, I went to your kitchen to grab a drink and collect myself from beating The RINGER's ass. If it couldn't get any worse, you two act as if nothing was wrong and start fucking each other while saying some pretty messed up stuff. I didn't even know you could put an Astro Pop inside a vagina without it breaking off.

Is my luck that bad? As mad as I want to be at my buddy for pulling this shit, I'm not. I mean, he wore a goddamn leather mask and a cock ring for the occasion.

I gathered my clothes, stole some cash out of your purse, threw a few eggs at The RINGER's car, then headed back to my place.

Shocked, confused and drunk...this all felt like a bad dream. I banged a girl that didn't finish what she started. Go fucking figure.

My night ended drinking more vodka, cussing out J-Wunder via text and jerking off to an old school porn my dad gave me 4 years ago. My internet wasn't working so I had to make due. Don't judge me, woman.

Thanks for what could have been. Fuck my life.


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