Thursday, July 17, 2014

Advice Column: Her Hidden Agenda

Dear J-Wonder,

First and foremost, I want to say the blog is dope as fuck, but I'm not trying to butter you up like I sunday biscuit, just so you can reply, so I'm going to get straight to it.

About a year ago, I ran into an buddy of mine I hadn't seen in about 10 years. I somewhat kept in contact over social media. That night i also met his kid's mother and saw them twice after that. She and I had an attraction from the start. She added me on social media, and we began liking each other's shit after a few days. Well, a couple of months back she sends me a message saying that she feels that dude is creeping. I reassured her that she's overthinking things and that maybe they need to spend time together because they both work a lot. And that was that. Well, a few weeks back she messaged me again saying that she caught him creeping and she gave him the boot. So I'm there listening to her and she says she needs a drink.  After a few messages we decide to get a drink. At the end of the we're at my place and shit gets pretty intense and hot. The next day we see each other again and same shit happens. It's been happening for a few weeks now. We text all day everyday and talk on the phone at the end our our days, the occasional I miss you is exchanged. We both know that this shit can only happen on the DL, and are both catching feelings. We agree that it's wrong, but we are still there. We both don't know what the fuck to do, so we agreed that I write you. Do I tell my "buddy?" Do we just keep riding this motherfucker out, and deal with the shit when it hits the fan? Or WTF?

In dire need of your words of wisdom.

Much respect,
Lost Mofo

Dear Lost Mofo,

To believe, or not to believe...that is the goddamn question.

I read your email the other day and was like, "Damn, that's fucked up for your boy to do his baby mama wrong." Then I read this shit today and was like, "Wait a minute...this motherfucker."

Brother man, what I'm about to tell you, might shock you. Hell, it might not. I really don't give a shit.

And as much as I'd like to think I may be wrong...I'm betting the house I'm right. With something.

I don't know how close you are to your homeboy at this present moment. I'm guessing probably not that close considering you're banging his girl, right? You're welcome.

See, here's the thing...I don't know any woman who barely knows someone, that would add them to their social network without having an agenda. Whatever the fuck went on between your boy and this chick isn't anyone's business. How-the-fuck-ever, from the moment she met you, she fucking knew what she wanted. For your homeboy, it's not him...regardless if he was being shady or not. This broad knew exactly what she was doing when she hit you up on the social network scene AND confided in you about her man "creeping". Chicks ain't fucking stupid. They just act like they don't know what the fuck is going on sometimes.

This broad got least that's what I like to think. So why would she come to YOU with her goddamn problems? A guy that she barely fucking knows. Her man's homie from back in the day. Who the fuck does that? You know who? Bitches with an agenda. That's who.

Now, I'm not saying she's a bad person for coming to you and hooking up with your ass. I'm just saying, she knew exactly what the fuck she was doing according to her plans. Again, who the fuck does that? Bitches with an agenda.

Knowing her man was doing her dirty, she went ahead and did her thing by hitting you up. Why? Because of her agenda. She's got one foot out the fucking door and the only reason why she's got the other one chillin' inside is because she was waiting. Waiting for you to do exactly what she wanted you to do. And you did. Pussy is an incredible thing, ain't it?

Brochacho, this isn't about her situation with her baby daddy. Fuck no. This isn't even about you.

What this whole thing is about, is your girl. You know, the one whose man probably fucked her over, so in turn, wanted to do something that would put the nail in the coffin...and that's bang you, my friend. I'm not stupid. Neither is she and neither are you. You don't have to tell your boy shit. Matter of fact, this dude ain't even your boy. Maybe 10 years ago he was, but not now. Why? Because boys don't do that shit to their homies. EVER. So let's just call a spade a spade.

Homegirl needs to sack the fuck up and tell him herself. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because if he did her wrong, what the fuck does it matter what she's doing, right? Also, if anyone is close to him, it's her. Don't you think that makes the most sense, playboy?

What kills me though is that y'all talk about how you both know it's wrong. Let me tell y'all something...if it was wrong, your asses wouldn't be doing this shit. AT ALL.

That's like people who say they regret whatever the fuck they did. You can't regret something you had full intention on doing, motherfuckers.


Your girl knew she was on the outs, and you know what happens when people see golden opportunities? They jump on that shit like a cheetah fucking up a gazelle, son. You were her excuse to get out. Because if you weren't, your ass wouldn't be writing me. Matter of fact, she wouldn't have hit you up via Facebook after meeting you 3 times and liking every goddamn thing you post. THEN crying to you about shit that ain't even your business. Real talk.

The reality is, as much as you both want to say something, you won't. That fucking ship has sailed. The way I see it, is you're probably going to keep doing what you're doing on the DL then one day, shit will more than likely hit the fan. People will get upset. She'll be called a whore. You'll be called a backstabbing friend. Someone's car windows will get smashed. You'll be thrown in the middle of shit that ain't about your life. All of the sudden, you're the new father figure. Your boy will hate you even more. You will have a come to Jesus with yourself and wonder, "What the fuck am I doing in this fucked up situation?" Let's not forget to mention, tension will probably rise between you and your new girl because something doesn't seem right. Trust issues will arise. More tires will get slashed. The term "whore" will be thrown around like a football on Sunday's. You'll hate her. She'll hate you. You'll both hate everybody.

So ask yourself, is this piece of pussy worth it? If the answer is yes, then good for you. Do what you gotta do. If it's a no, then leave. If it's a maybe...then that means get ready for some shit to go down.

Good luck. God bless. And don't think for a second this is gonna be a smooth ride because it won't be. Something along the way will fuck up your vibe. Trust.

I need a drink,


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