Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Advice Column: Nothing Wrong With A Little "Window Shopping"

Dear J-Wunder,

Plain and simple...are men and women who are in relationships allowed to be attracted to the opposite sex? I don't think so but my boyfriend does. Your thoughts are appreciated.

It's About Trust

Dear It's About Trust,

You sign off as "It's About Trust" but you think it's not right to be attracted to another guy while being in a relationship? You realize you sound like a fucking idiot, right? Look, what I'm about to say, does not apply to all women, so please don't take this personal. But, women are fucking crazy bitches. More like...head cases. Nah, maybe jealous. Ok, definitely all three. Not all women though, just the majority. And you little lady, are in that "majority."

What women (men are guilty of this too) fail to realize, is that just because you're in a relationship, attraction towards the opposite sex is still there. What? Did you think that shit just fucking vaporizes into thin air once you commit your pussy to one guy? You become blind because you're in a relationship? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.


Let me tell you something, you 5-time gold medalist of the Crazy Bitch Olympics...I remember this girl I knew back in the day. Amazing fucking girl. Lips of an angel. Tits of a Playboy bunny. A hatchet wound so fucking pure it would have made Jesus sin. This chick was pretty amazing until I finally dated her ass. Take Fatal Attraction with that bitch from the movie "The Crush," and you have created the craziest bitch I had the privilege to date. FUCK.MY.LIFE.

Once I heard those words, "Yes, I'll go steady with you," my life was over (Don't laugh, bitches. I went Saved By The Bell style with this shit). If I looked at any girl, or they looked at me, some motherfucker was going to get their face smashed in. Or die. I wouldn't lie about this shit, people.

Never in my life did I feel like such a little bitch. It was like I was being told that no other woman existed on this planet, besides her. I mean, I looked down at the ground so much, that after we broke up, my ass was in one of those fucking neck braces for weeks, just so I could look up like a normal person. Pretty fucked up, right? Ok, that was a lie, but I swear I had to have my homeboys hold my head up during lunch time because it looked like I was all mopey and had sand in my vagina.

It was this kind of fucked up relationship that made me realize, "If I'm with you, don't even fucking tell me that looking at another woman is not okay." Sorry to rain on your parade bitch but, we're surrounded by the opposite sex on a daily basis, and if I wanted to fuck that chick that's been showing me her ass crack for the last 5 minutes, I would. But I'm in a relationship. Nothing is wrong with window shopping. Because that's all it is...window shopping. With an occasional trip to the pisser to tug on my dick for 5 minutes thinking about thong girls calf muscles. But no purchases are being made. Not even a lay-away plan. So back-the-fuck-off. Ya dig?!

Not to mention, your man is cool with this shit because he knows he's coming home to you at night. Well, unless he's really fucking some chick then coming home to you. That wouldn't be cool. But it would actually be funny because it sounds like your ass has him on an extremely short leash. Honestly though, being attracted to someone is nothing fucking new. I say, if you aren't happy about it, good luck staying fucking miserable the rest of your life. It's women like you that are so fucking irrational about shit like this that your ass needs to be shook once in awhile. Wake the fuck up and smell the fresh cum on your face, lady. Don't act like that guy in your office isn't hot and you wouldn't love to see how big his cup size is. Research shows people who don't trust anyone, are the ones that can't be trusted. If you think like a dog, you'll act like one. Real talk.

So please, lighten the fuck up and go ride your man's coat hanger cock more often. Maybe he wouldn't be staring at other chicks tits if he saw yours more often. I mean, it seems like he is dating fucking Hitler. Keep this shit up and your ass will be kicked to the curb. If that happens, don't be surprised if you see Facebook statuses that talk about, "The bitch that couldn't get a fucking grip because the cute concierge smiled too goddamn long." Do you want that? Of course not. The only thing you should be gripping is that pillow when you need to scream in it when your man is making you have a 60 second orgasm.

Don't be like that chick I dated back in the day. Good in bed and crazy as fuck otherwise. Let your man look at whoever he wants to. Even fat bitches. It's ok. He knows you've been looking too. And that's okay too.

I Don't Do Crazy,

No comments: