Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Advice Column: To Homewreck Or Not To Homewreck...That Is The Question

Dear J-Wunder,

I need your help, yeah don't we all! I have this problem with only going after married/attached men! #1, WTF is my problem?? I'm confused on if I am doing the right thing. I mean if they didn't want to have sex with me they wouldn't right?! So, why does this feel so wrong YET so right??! I hope you can help cause I need some answers.



Dear Confused/Homewrecker,

Say it ain't fucking so!!! Another fan in need of some Ghetto Genius guidance because you done fucked up some shit with your own shit. This is quite the predicament you're in my dear. Rest assured, I have some experience with this (not saying first hand experience), but I do have experience with giving advice on this particular topic.

First, you're right, he's fucking you because he wants to. FYI - dudes love pussy. Even gay dudes will play with a lonely chicks labia from time to time. Wait, what?!

It does take two to tango, no one is forcing the other consenting adult to do a goddamn thing. AND he's obviously fucking you because he's not getting any (or enough) at home. Straight up, yo.

So whose fault is this? Could it be his significant other is repulsed by his slowly sagging nut sack? Could it be that she won't spread her legs anymore because she always has a fucking "headache"? Or could it be that she is getting it from someone else (don't lie, this would make you feel 100 times better)? But in all reality, who cares? This is not your problem.

See Pussysauraus Rex, it feels so wrong because it IS wrong. Let me guess...you're so turned on because doing what's "wrong" feels pretty fucking amazing, huh? Maybe, doing what's "wrong" is hot and makes you want it that much fucking more? Don't try to deny it like O.J. Simpson because I'm right about this shit. Just throwing it out there too that you've probably always had a thing for bad boys. Chicks like you not only LOVE the D BUT bad motherfuckers. In this case, dudes that will fuck, suck or finger bang another woman willing to take that chance. Ya heard?

But who am I to judge right from wrong? Who am I to tell you what to do? It's really not my place. Not to mention I'm here to give unbiased advice. However, let me ask you two questions before giving you my advice:

1) Are you looking to fall in love with said married or attached men?


2) Are you just looking for a great fuck with said married or attached men?

If you answered yes to #1 and are looking for love, please read the following VERY slowly & repeat 26 times (or until it kicks you in the fucking face)...

(and repeat)

He will never leave her. If he says he will, that motherfucker is lying. If he says he loves you, believe you me, Sweet Tits Magee,  he doesn't. He may love fucking you and cumming on your back...realize that's a big goddamn difference. So dream on, homewrecker, that shit ain't about to happen.

Now, if it is yes to #2 and you just want some good ol' fashioned amazing Pound Town Expressing, this is where things could get a little fucking tricky. This means NO feelings. EVER.

No falling in love, no wanting to spend time with the person (time that doesn't lead to more fucking), no "checking in", no "I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by" bullshit, no getting jealous that they might be fucking someone else (because they undoubtedly are).

Understand, if this is still the case, I'll bet in your head you're thinking, "The definition of a homewrecker is someone who actually wrecks a home, so if we don't get caught, what their significant other doesn't know, doesn't hurt them." I nailed it huh? Hold onto your titties because we're not done just yet.

If you're okay with feeling like a homewrecker, having karma come kick you in the taint one day and are totally fine with owning a condo in hell for eternity, take the following advice:


Plain-and-simple. And don't tell anyone. I mean ANYONE. If someone starts to ask questions...DENY, DENY, DENY THE SHIT OUT OF IT. And then make them feel like a fucking horrible person for questioning you in the first place. It is a really great tactic to use to get people to stop snooping around. You're welcome.

Now, a lot of people are probably thinking, "Damn J, that's fucked up. You're condoning this woman to have dudes cheat?" People, I'm not condoning shit. She's single. Ain't her problem. But if this was the other way around, this would be a different story. Don't get it twisted though, taken dudes that hook up with her are assholes and I'm sure will get theirs when the time is right.

The way I look at it is if you're single and have no fucks to give and the dude you're banging is taken or married, blame the dude for being the asshole. Sure the chick should have respect for his situation, but she's not putting a gun to the dudes dick, is she now? Well, she might be but that's another story we can talk about later. Life is a two way street...and a complicated one...if you let it be.

Any more questions, just holler.

Best of luck,

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