Thursday, August 7, 2014

5 Signs Of Crazy Men And Women You Need To Avoid

I gotta be my many years of dating and boning, I have encountered some of the craziest bitches on the planet. Take the Crazy Bitch Olympics and mix it in with the movie "Braveheart" and that's how REAL shit gets. From ones that have chased me down at 2am with their Toyota Tercel in the dark streets of San Luis Obispo, to ones who have watched me sleep while possibly plotting to kill me in the middle of the night, I know crazy. And it's something I'm not proud of but know it like the Pythagorean fucking Theorem. E = MC2 times the square root of Deez Nuts or some shit, right?

Today, I'm here to talk about men AND women and the signs you motherfuckers need to peep so you can avoid being on the 10 'o clock news because someone murdered your ass and you end up floating down a goddamn canal bank. Grab some paper, a pen and take good notes. And oh, if this describes you or a friend, I will pray for you and avoid your ass at all costs.

1. Talking about their EX

Let's start with the easy shit first. If any man or woman talks about their ex when you haven't even fucking asked, run motherfucker. Run fast and run really fucking far away. Why? It's simple. They are hanging onto some bullshit from the past they can't get over. When that happens, you become that person they'll compare you to. What you say, how you say it. How you fuck, suck, lick, bite and hell, even eat a fucking sandwich. These types of men and women think they've gotten over it and say they're "totally fine" and "moving on with life" when that ain't the case AT ALL. Every moment you spend with them, they are bound to bring some shit up about their the point you will think they are actually back together with them or fucking them. Both of which are probably not true because they are crazy. Why do you think they aren't in that goddamn relationship anymore?

2. Asking how many partners you've slept with.

If there is one fucking rule I tell all my friends it's this:

Whenever you are on a date with someone or start a relationship...NEVER...EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, E-VER, ask that guy or gal how many people they have slept with. Why? Because two things will happen 1) You will get pissed the fuck off if the number is higher than yours and 2) You will not get over the fact that this person who you thought was all wholesome and shit has pounded or been pounded by one too many dicks and flapjacks that you'd like to imagine. Sure we all say it's no big deal because "that was the past" but once you ask, you are royally fucked. The general rule is that whenever you get asked this question, you do the rule of +/- 3 to 5. Depending on how many people you've nailed, you either add or subtract 3 or 5. If you're an older motherfucker like myself and have fucked a shit ton of people (this includes very ugly and rollie pollie bitches), don't go too low because no guy or gal is that fucking stupid. If they are, make sure you cheat on those people immediately. Wake the fuck up America and don't be fooled by this shit. I can smell a whore from miles away. Broads ain't dumb...they know my dick has gone through the hoe gauntlet as well.

Unless you are really and honestly cool with being told the real answer, you will want to kill a motherfucker ten times over.

Real talk.

3. Don't immediately respond back to their texts or calls.

If I send you a text or give you a ring and I don't hear back from you, it's considered rude. How-the-fuck-ever, if I am busy with my job or whatever the fuck I am doing like maybe washing my ball sack for example, your ass needs to chill the fuck out. I'll respond to you when I can. Some people don't trip about shit like this. Well, unless you are one of these crazy assholes. Nothing is worse when you get 87 texts or voicemail messages that say, "Where are you?" "Who are you with?" "Who is he/she?" "Why aren't you answering my fucking text and calls?!" "You're cheating, huh?" "Well fuck you then! It's over!!!".

I've seen some shit that will make a goat throw up from these crazy bastards. One text, cool. Three texts, ok, I'm gonna let that slide. But 27 texts and 10 missed calls? Bitch, you want me to shake the shit out of you? Just because we don't answer immediately doesn't mean we are up to anything. What if I took a nap, motherfucker?! What if I wanted some alone time and needed to masturbate to some old 80's movies? Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

4. Jealous like a motherfucker. 

Every relationship or date typically starts off great. The "honeymoon" phase is always awesome. No one argues. You are never mad. Both people get along great. Life is good. Time goes by and after awhile, you start to see each other's true colors. Some are good. Some are bad. Overall, you make shit work. Again, that's what typically happens. Then there are those crazy fucking people who jump into the shit trying to put a stamp on things.

These crazy people from the get-go act really nice and genuine but make it a point to let YOU know that if you're with them, you're fucking WITH THEM. No looking at other dudes or bitches. No talking to anyone except your mom and siblings. No going out unless every body part is covered. Don't be trying to smell good either. They need access to your Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, MySpace, Friendster, LinkedIN and accounts. When you sleep, your ass better sleep with one eye open because these motherfuckers are so crazy jealous, they'll go through your dirty laundry to smell your drawers to see if you've been cheating on them. If your dookie stain smells suspect, be ready to get questioned about it. Straight up.

5. "I love you" but in a crazy, stalker, I'll kill you...kinda way. 

Love is a beautiful thing. I believe in love at first sight. I also believe in motherfuckers being soul mates. What I don't believe in, is a motherfucker who thinks they love you but you don't love them and it gets to a point that even though they know how you feel, they hang onto you like a dingleberry hangs onto your ass hair from earlier in the week. That shit ain't right.

I'm all for love. But if someone tells you they love you within a week, let alone the first two hours or after you've banged them because y'all got way too wasted, your ass needs to re-evaluate who the fuck you're dealing with. No joke.

I dated this girl one time...ok, it was more like my dick was dating her vagina...and by the end of the first week when I was holding her hair back after we had way too much to drink at the bar, she told me she loved me. Thinking that she was just drunk and didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, I shrugged it off because we all say stupid shit when we're wasted. Apparently, my ass was wrong with that assumption.

This broad goes on to tell me she loved me again. Then again. Then yet AGAIN!!! The more I kept ignoring her with no response, she started to get Incredible Hulk drunk angry. I'm talking her eyes started to turn colors and she looked like she was growing into a fucking monster. As soon as I spotted this I kept stuttering and by the time I could say anything, this bitch started to get nuts on me.


People, I knew this bitch for about a week. That's 7 days. Fucked her like 37 times in that span.

The next day, I was like, "Shit got real...she's gonna wake up and apologize. She had too many shots of Jaeger last night and I understand that she got some issues and is probably on her period. Let her apologize and accept it with no questions asked." I wish what I was thinking and telling myself at that moment could have been accurate. I really fucking do. When I finally got to chat with this broad, what I thought was going to be a genuine apology ended up being a conversation about how one person can love someone and not receive it back. This bitch floored me. What it came down to was that I was just a player feeding her bullshit lines to get in her pants and how can a man not love someone who has given it their all.

Bitch, I've known you for a fucking week. You took me into an alley way, pulled down my pants and sucked my dick for like 10 minutes all because I commented that you had really nice hair. This was knowing you for 2 hours and a few tequila shots.

America, stay away from these goddamn people. They are all kinds of wrong.

As for men doing this, it's the same shit. The only thing they do differently, is kill you when you're awake.

I'm done.


Dana Ann Williams said...

Haha! Always watching out for the crazies!

Maria said...

Soooo....ummm....just out of many of these have to be applicable to qualify me as crazy?

Unknown said...

Years ago I gave my number to a guy. We had a brief conversation on the phone and I had to take care of something so I let him know I would call him back in 10 minutes. Well it was more like 15 minutes when I could get back to him bit when I did.... I was greeted with questions like, "YOU SAOD YOU WERE GOING TO CALL ME BACK ON 10 MINUTES!?!?" "WHAT HAPPENED!?!? My First thought was that he was joking but dude was dead azz serious. Needless to say I never talked to him again. I definitely did not want to end up a statistic on the dead side of things.
Ladies, some things aren't cute but CRAZY!!! RUN....

Unknown said...

very interesting , good job and thanks for sharing such a good blog.
Signs of genius said...