Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Shower Scene

I woke up like any other weekday...naked and hungover.

I get up, grab my towel and head to the bathroom to get ready for work. But first, I check myself out in the mirror, do one solid flex with my wang (don't act like y'all don't check yourself out) then proceed with my morning routine.

I drop mad heat while collecting my thoughts, finish up and hop in the shower. I'll save you the details on what the fuck I do in the shower, just know I re-evaluate all the fucked up things I've done in my life, masturbate vigorously and sing a few Tupac hits.

I grab the body wash, pour that shit like a boss on my loofa and lather the living fuck out of my body. Grab the face wash and clean my mug like nobody's business. Take the shampoo and go to town on my dome like them bitches being doing at the salon. At this point, I'm soapy and smelling refreshing as fuck, about to wash it off when it happens...

The water shuts off.

Let me say that again...


There I was, happy as a motherfucker about to do what I do and the water turns the fuck off. I had so much fucking soap, face wash and shampoo on my body that I looked like 100 Mandingos came all over me, minus the dick slaps to the face. No joke.

I wait for like a minute thinking the water is going to come back on.


I then wait two minutes. Then three. Then five. People, I'm standing in my shower for 10 fucking minutes, soapy as fuck and no sign of water is appearing.

I grab my towel, and head to my fridge to grab my Brita so I can use that water to wash me off. I don't know if I was drunk or just fucking lazy but when I open my fridge to grab the Brita, that motherfucker was empty. What stupid motherfucker leaves an empty ass Brita in the fridge? Apparently me.

At this point I'm pissed because there is no fucking sign of water in my apartment . No water bottles laying around. No half-filled cups. Hell, I was so desperate to get the goddamn soap off me that I went back into the bathroom and lifted up the back part of the toilet to use that water. Just my luck there was not even water in that motherfucker. Apparently after I took a shit and flushed the toilet, the goddamn water decided it didn't want to refill the fucking tank.

20 minutes had passed and I'm lathered up like two bitches in an oil wrestling contest with no fucking water.

I'm pissed so I decide to hit up my next door neighbors to see if they have water and can help a brother out. I knock on their door with my towel around my waist and as the door opens, the chick whose name I don't even fucking know even though I've lived next to her for three goddamn years, screams as if I was going to run inside her apartment and put it in her butt and steal some sugar or something. Wait, what?

She then realizes it's me, asks what the fuck am I doing in a towel with soap all over my fucking body and I tell her the water shut off and this is the worst First World Problem a dude can have. She checks her sink and sure enough, they didn't have water either. Then this bitch has the nerve to start laughing at me as the soap is starting to dry and parts of my body look like I'm sporting dry jizz with no fucks to give.

After she nearly pissed herself staring at me, the broad ended up saving the day. She gives me a case of bottled waters and as thank you, I looked her straight in the eye and offered to show her my penis. Yeah...shit got awkward and she wasn't amused. Luckily for me, I turned it into some fucking joke, went back to my apartment and gave her a bottle of wine. Then it got awkward for me because this bitch thought I was asking her out on a date or something. It's a bottle of booze, bitch. Not a goddamn invitation to the Pound Town Express. Calm your tits, woman. In any event, she thanked me, I thanked her and I was able to wash all the smelly goodness that ended up looking like baby gravy after 30 minutes.

What a fucked up way to start the day.

Fuck it.


Jess can be a mess! said...

I couldn't even make it to the end of this story and had to stop reading!!! I am at work and my coworkers are looking at me like I don lost my mind! I'll get to this shit later. Either way its funny as Fuck!

Anonymous said...

So... What you're saying is... You fucking turned water into wine for that chick.

H-Bomb said...

Why are you washing your hair, you bald mother fucker???? If you wouldn't have wasted time washing something that doesn't exist, you probably would have finished in time to beat the water shut off.