Advice Column: Relationships Need To Be A 50/50 Split

First off, I love this blog! I think all of y'all are awesome. Now that I've lubed y'all up a little, let's get down to business. 

I am a 30 year old divorced woman with 3 soul suckers....I mean kids....We've recently relocated and I've been trying to make the acquaintance of some people I don't hate and could possible share a table with while I throw back tequila shots and search for my next mistake. Anyway, while out with all these different people I've been a part of many conversations regarding relationships and I find myself having totally different views on gender roles and equality.  You see, most of the people I've talked to say they are looking for that 50/50 split and there should be no gender roles.  I think a 50/50 split is a fucking unicorn they'll never find and they're going to die alone with their 50 cats. I believe that a woman's priority should be to take care of their home. That doesn't mean she shouldn't work at all and a man shouldn't pitch in on the housework. To me it just means that as the woman of the house I need to make sure my family is fed, our house is clean, and our laundry is done.  If you want to help me out by loading the dishwasher and picking up your own dirty socks then I'll appreciate and love you even more. As the man of the house, I expect you to be a provider and protector.....and to keep our yard looking nice and our cars maintained. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be a 50's housewife. I work too so don't expect dinner to be on the table at 6 o'clock sharp every night, but I don't find it unreasonable for a man to expect a hot meal when he gets home. So my question is, are my views really that antiquated? 

Sincerely,
June Cleaver version 2014



Dear June Cleaver Version 2014,

Before I start anything, I really hope you don't have a bush like Mrs. Cleaver. How do I know she had a bush? Come on people...you and I know that broad had a big ass bush. Smelling like Head and Shoulders and shit. But I digress...

Thanks for writing in on such an interesting topic. Have a seat and relax because I'm about to go balls deep in this bitch!!!!

In today's world, we think completely different than other generations. That's to be expected since a majority of us want shit to be equal. Men want to be stay-at-home dads and chicks want to be CEO's. I don't see a problem with either.

My thought is, if you can dream it, go out and fucking do it.

How you view shit about taking care of your man by making him dinners, doing the laundry, washing dishes and whatnot, is not a bad thing. Fuck no it ain't. You know how many lazy motherfuckers I know who would marry your ass in a hot minute? A LOT.

Me personally, I'm all about the 50/50 split. I think women AND men need to show a little more goddamn independence and help one another out. This ain't the 50's and shit is expensive as fuck. And well, nowadays, fools have eyes bigger than their stomachs. Trying to buy shit they can't afford. Trying to travel to places they have no idea how to pronounce. Unless you got a cush ass job where it's making you tons of dime, both y'all motherfuckers better be working and contributing...to EVERYTHING. Now, I know you said you work too but it's your job to do all the stereotypical June Cleaver bullshit while your man also works, but plays guard dog and keeps the lawn trimmed and cars looking fly.

See, what I'm about to tell you, you probably haven't thought about. Hell, maybe a lot of people haven't thought about. And as much as I would love a woman who has your type of mentality, I wouldn't be with a woman like that. Why you ask? I'll tell you...

I want a woman who not only has her own job and makes some good money but what I don't want is her to be constantly exhausted everyday because she's slaving away on some bullshit I know I can help contribute too. Hey, I get how some chicks don't mind it and it's just that "motherly instinct" in them to take care of their man, but you know what I'd rather have than all of that? A woman who is gonna fuck and suck me good and keep our relationship spicy as fuck.

Y'all are probably saying, "Well, couldn't y'all do that on top of her doing her June Cleaver shit?" If you're a woman and worked a long ass day, then had to come home, cook dinner, wash the dishes, do laundry, clean up the house, etc. would you REALLY want to fuck your man after all that shit or sit on the couch, decompress then take your ass to bed because you know you gotta do it ALL over again tomorrow??? Let's be real here people...I will bet 65% of females will say they will just want to relax knowing they gave their man a good meal, while the remaining will be like, "Yeah, I'm still down to fuck...because I love the D!!!"

Guys, I'm not bullshitting when I say this but, I, as a man, would rather help my boo out with all the typical house/chore duties every goddamn day if that meant I could hop on the Pound Town Express and she plays Chubby Bunny with my wang every damn night. The reason I say this is because when you look at what makes a relationship work and last for years on end, it ain't your gal cooking you dinner every fucking night or washing your shit stained drawers twice a week. Hell fucking NO, fools!

It's intimacy. It's love. It's two motherfuckers keeping that shit fresh and making sure you don't lose that fire. Sure it may not be like how it was when you first fucking dated, but I'd rather it be something still hot than something that doesn't exist because a broad is tired because "I had a long day, honey." Or "I had to cook and clean and blah, blah, blah, blah fucking blah!" How fucking hard is it for a guy to help cook dinner? You know how many chicks would probably suck their man's dick in the kitchen while he's making Chicken Alfredo? Tons, motherfucker. TONS!!!

Broads LOVE when a man doesn't leave all the petty and time consuming bullshit just for them. I'm being real with y'all right now. If I were to survey 1 million women on whether or not they would prefer to be fucked right every night than slave over some bullshit after work every day, 87% of chicks would say "Yes, I will take the cock for a million, Alex."

Awesome that you want to take care of your man. But men should do their part and take care of you. And not just with his fucking job and other manly things. The more dudes can contribute to helping their gal around the house, the more that window of fucking their girl right will open. Sex keeps relationships healthy. Not motherfuckers who are constantly exhausted and are too lazy to even open their legs. And if you can barely open them, that's called pity sex. And we all know...

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I'll admit that I appreciate a woman who wants to do the things you want to do for your man. But if you're more focused on chore duty and not focusing on what your relationship is really about, then why be in one? I'd rather come home from work, fuck my girl like a virgin on Prom Night and order take-out than have her do all this work and at the end of the day, face the possibility she is too tired to do anything. It's cool to please your man, but make sure you really PLEASE your man because I'm telling you right now, more men would rather have that, than someone who thinks they are doing all the right things when it really doesn't even matter.

Now go make me a sammich,

J-Wunder