Tuesday, December 9, 2014

What Women Want: Part II

Dear Mr. Wunder,

Greetings from the UK! I wanted to write you to say first off, you're brilliant and hilarious. I purchased your book, "Wait…What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius" and I have to say it's been a hit with some folks out here. Keep up the great work!

The reason I am writing you is to tell you I came across "What Women Want" in your book. I'm not the most confident guy but after following your basic list of what women want and applying it when I went out with some friends, IT FUCKING WORKED! I don't know what it was, but after reading what you wrote and actually doing it, my confidence flew through the roof! Which brings me to my actual question - now that you've taught some of us guys how to approach women and seal the deal, what is your advice or list of things that we should do in bed if we ever get that opportunity? You sound like a man who knows what women (in any scenario), so I wanted to come to the man who helped me not be so shy. 

Look forward to hearing from you and thanks again for being real! 

Not So Shy Guy Anymore

Dear Not So Shy Guy Anymore,

WOW! I have to say you made my motherfucking week, man. Appreciate all the love coming from the UK and really appreciate you taking my advice from my book…and having it work. Like I tell everyone who follows my Facebook fan page, Instagram and Blog, I'm not here to bullshit anyone. I keep my shit real. So big ups to you and killing it with the ladies. Now onto helping you out with your question.

If there is one thing everyone (who follows me) seems to know, is that I love the ladies. I have slept with quite a few in my time. Been stalked by quite a few in my time. Been chased down in the dark ass streets of San Luis Obispo at 2am by quite a few (ok, just one crazy bitch) in my time. No matter what though, I've been going back for more, no matter how fucked up, crazy or normal they may be. 

I love sex. I love making out. I love all the shit that basically gives me a fucking boner. I'm pretty much like all men. When it comes to sealing the deal with women, let's say at a club or bar, and it's time to go home, the one thing that ALWAYS crosses a guys mind is, "What do I need to do to make this girl remember me?" Dudes can deny that shit all they want, bottom line, if you know you're about to fuck a one night stand that could possibly turn into something bigger, you want to perform and perform well. Well, I'm here to help those guys get to Super Dick status so when they lay their pipe down on those future drunk sluts (or nice wholesome girls), the girls will come calling. If not for more dick, then at least a free meal.

But before I move on with that, I do want to be completely honest. I'm not this guy who operates like this all the time. I mean, I've gotten drunk, taken a broad home and underperformed. I have my moments as has a lot of dudes and some chicks. The difference is that dudes don't say shit to their homies and chicks will tell all their motherfucking girlfriends. To you ladies out there who know I came too fast or couldn't get it up, guess what? Shit happens. I'm a man all about redemption. Don't hate. Congratulate…me…on being one of the first dudes you have ever known to admit that he ain't as fucking bad ass as he says he might be. Don't get it twisted though, you get me on a good day (which is like 80% of the time), you will roll out of my place in a wheelchair filing disability for work. Real talk. But I digress…

Ok, there are a few things that women will absolutely want when it comes to a dude fucking them. Side note: I'm going to keep this simple and basic so you goddamn freaks who like to be choked and punched in the face, you can stop reading now. I love y'all, but sometimes you motherfuckers go a little overboard with the violence and shit. 

There are a ton of things a man (or woman…if you like other chicks) can do to impress a woman in the sack. But when it really comes down to it, there are 5 important things one must do in order to make sure 1) The pussy whistles, 2) The pussy comes back a second time around, 3) You and your penis are remembered, 4) She is speechless when her friends ask, "How was it?", 5) She falls in love with the "D".  

#1: Make out
I've said this in so many columns that it's not even fucking funny anymore. Chicks LOVE to make out…and you should too. I get when it's time to get freak nasty, you just want to rip off your clothes and immediately start fucking. 


Patience is virtue…or some shit like that, so what you need to do to get this fuck fest started is make out. I'm talking kissing, titty touching, neck nibbles, ass grabbing…the whole 9. Now, if you suck at kissing, you better hope the broad is drunk as fuck bc let's be honest, chicks get more turned on if the dude is a great kisser. Rhythm is everything so if you kiss like you're a 5 year old eating an ice cream cone, consider yourself fucked…for the time being, at least. 

Chicks like to be touched, gently and somewhat aggressively. Just don't do shit that will make her think you're about to beat her, tie her up then chop her into pieces. Being aggressive is cool, but don't beat the bitch up. Bites on the lip, neck, shoulder line, etc. are good spots. Remember she's human and not a fucking sandwich. 

Making out gets the engine warmed up, better yet, wet, so if you can execute this, you're on your way to a good time. 

#2: Thou shalt eat the pussy til she cometh
FACT: 40% of dudes love to eat pussy (I am in that 40%), while 60% of dudes hate it. Guys who hate this shit, need to be part of the 40%. Why? Because if you take care of the woman, she will return the favor, 10-fold. Realize that sometimes it's not all about you…asshole. 

I have written and commented many times on how much I love munching box, let alone what men should do when munching box. Remember, a vagina is fragile when it comes to putting your mouth on it. It's not a bag of Doritos so don't eat that shit like it's the first meal you've seen in 6 months. You start doing some shit to the point it starts to bleed, bet your ass you will get socked in the face and probably get the cops called on you. The vagina may not be the prettiest thing in the world, but you need to act like it is. Whether it looks normal, like a walking Arby's, resembles a bat wing or looks like beat up silly putty, eat that pussy like it's gold, my friend. Work that clit into overtime while gently thrusting a finger or two in that vagina hole. Bitches love when a dude can multi-task so when you do something like this, make sure you're gentle and a tad aggressive. Don't be licking that clit all nice while jamming your goddamn fingers in her pussy…you're not looking for change between the couch cushions, motherfucker.

Eating pussy is an art. Remember that you're the artist and the vagina is your canvas. Who says you can't get poetic with this shit, right? Next...

#3: Recognize what is right for the moment
"What does that mean, J?" I'll tell you fuckers what it means. It means that while you're hittin' the skins, you need to always know what is going on. When you're fucking, is she liking it when it's all gentle or is she asking for it to be a little rough? Is she spouting off some dirty ass shit while you're hitting the G spot? Fun fact: Chicks typically love to say some really dirty shit. Shit that would make you slap your own mamma. Real talk. 

Is she loving Missionary? Doggy? Reverse cowgirl? Does she want it in the dookie hole? Does she want to put it in YOUR dookie hole? Are you hitting the right spot to make her scream? Is she into getting punched? Choked? Fish hooked? Maybe she likes to be fucked while getting put in the Full-Nelson? 

When you're fucking, you need to recognize everything that is going on. Recognize how your dick is hitting her insides when you're in a certain position. What she says, screams or moans will let you know if what you're doing is the right or wrong thing. Don't initiate shit that might be out of line unless she initiates it first. Hey, I'm all for freaky shit but if you're fucking her doggy style, then stick your thumb in her butt while putting her in a half rear naked choke, chances are she's gonna bite your dick off because you caught her off guard. 

Let the woman take the lead while you and your pipe follow suit. Now, if she likes the dude to take command and flat out says it, by all means, go have a field day on that ass!

For some reason everyone thinks you HAVE to fuck in the bedroom. People, it's 2014, there are kids in junior high doing way freakier shit than that. Scary to think about, right?

Boning is all about location and letting the moment take you there. Kitchen? Sure, why not…we can make a sandwich after we O-FACE. Alleyway? Dark places and homeless people turn me on. Parking garage? Beep beep, motherfucker. Grandma's bedroom? Fuck it, she about to die anyway. Rest in peace, grams. 

Never assume fucking in the bedroom is the answer. Spur of the moment shit is the best. Even if that means you're fucking in a Fiat 500 with a stick shift up your ass. You never know, it might turn her the fuck on. 

#5: The Aftermath
If there is one thing people aren't good at, after a one night stand or whatever, it's what happens after the fucking is done and over with. Sure, the sex was probably mind blowing but once it's done and both parties orgasmed a weeks worth of bodily fluids, the one thing that sticks out in both of your minds is, "Fuck, what now?" Do you spend the night? Do you pack up and peace the fuck out? Do you say you'll stay the night then sneak the fuck out in the middle of the night? Do you stay so you can get one more "good fuck" in before it gets really awkward? What do you fucking do? I'll tell you what you do. 

You let HER decide without even asking. 

Let's assume the sex was mind blowing. Let's also assume you both had a good time. What needs to happen after you done jizzed in her or on her is have HER bring up what happens next. Why? Because if you don't it, you'll look like the asshole who was just using her to get laid. Mind you, women can sometimes be like guys and want to just fuck and you to get the fuck out…or leave…depending on where you end up. 

Giving the woman the option to where she wants you to go may sound fucking crazy, but it gives you the opportunity to fuck again if that chance is realistic. You might be that guy that wants to fuck and bounce, but don't you dare tell her that. Well, if you don't give a fuck, you'll do whatever the fuck you want, but for the sake of the argument, let's say you do give a fuck because she was a bad ass bitch in bed. Letting her tell you to stay or go let's you play that card of "being on the same page" as her. If she wants you to stay, you can be like, "Sounds good, I think I will." If she says, "I got an early day tomorrow, thanks for the good time…maybe see you around?," you can be like, "I had a good time too…let's maybe do this again." If she says, "You don't have to stay if you don't want to" because she might feel obligated, then that puts you in a weird situation which I ain't even trying to fucking answer. So with that part, you're on your fucking own, homie. 

The Aftermath can work in your favor, if you know how to play your cards right so it's not fucking weird. Because let's be honest, 60-70% of the time, it's fucking weird and then fools be like, "I can't believe I fucking did that. It was great, but WTF?!" I mean, I've never done it but I'm also not right in the fucking head. 

So there you have it. 5 things to What Women Want…in bed. 

Don't forget to carry over the confidence from the first meeting. You can't go into a sexual encounter feeling like that shy guy again. 

Take this for what it's worth and spread those wings and maybe a lucky chicks vagina lips. Go out, have fun and this Christmas, put that dick in a box, my boy!



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