5 Types of Men Women Want, But Not Really

It's 2020, folks. And while this year has already been a complete mind fuck amongst other things, one thing sticks out in the heads of many women - "Will I ever find my one true Romeo?"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Look, I may only be the ripe damn age of 41, but what some of you have not realized is that there are 5 types of men that you constantly engage with without even knowing it. No more, no less. It doesn't take a goddamn genius to figure it out and it's a damn shame that some of you scalawags don't know any fucking better. That's why I'm here. To wake you the fuck up into the 21st Century and let you know, that what you want, you'll never get. Plain.And.Simple.

Again...5 types of guys. Agree to disagree, I don't care. This is what life has presented you and the penises that surround you. You're Fucking Welcome.

#1 The Married Type:
The perfect fucking dude. Great guy. Good morals. Good attitude. Honest. Committed. Faithful. Overall, one-hell-of-a-guy that is, "too good to be true, perfect". Ladies love this type of man. Why? Well, because he fits the bill to what a MAJORITY of women want in life. Someone that will treat them right and be there til the end. Keep in mind that even though this guy ranks #1 on 85% of females shopping list, this doesn't necessarily mean the dude wants kids. And as long as him and his girl come to that understanding, everything is all good. I mean, they are about to commit their lives to one another, so why not be on the same page after years of being together, right? However, shit happens and if they end up with kids, they should have planned better. I don't know what kind of fucked up dudes any of you date but, if you think someones mind will stay the same after dating them for a few months is normal, good fucking luck! Why do you think couples cheat? Because minds fucking change. Again, some of y'all should know better. No need to get into the subject anymore. I think the readers get the point while some still sit there confused on what the fuck just happened. Moving on...

#2 The Player Type:
The perfect guy that women don't want, but date. This guy cares about you, but he cares about other bitches he's fucking too. He doesn't want a wife. He sure as hell doesn't want kids. He will undoubtedly cheat on your ass. Why? Because that's what he does. No commitment. No morals. No remorse. Real talk. This is the guy you want minus the cheating part. Sorry to say this but, this guy right here...is your only fucking option on the "no marriage, no kids" resume. Oh, and if you want adventurous, he's right here. Just keep in mind that these lovely trips and bullshit you so dream of, won't come out of his pocket. At least for you. He'll make sure you pay for that shit on your own. Basically what I'm telling you is that you are now probably 0 for 2. This is what happens when some females make up imaginary fucking men that don't fucking exist. Congrats on being a complete dumb ass.

#3 The "Ronni Jersey Shore" Type:
If you like to get abused and thrown around a bit, date this guy. The good 'ol jealous, "I will beat your fucking head in til you're in a coma", boyfriend. Take the "married guy" type, turn him into a psycho and this is what you get. An amazing man that will go "Sleeping with the Enemy" on your ass if you get caught slippin'. He'll be faithful, love you, honor you, be there for you. Just one thing to note, you do anything that is outside his guidelines, you'll be choking on your own blood 2-3 times a month. Hope you have enough vacation days to heal those wounds when you get beat the fuck up. Is this an over-exaggeration? Well, that all depends on who you ask. Stupid bitches date these guys then play victim. You're an adult, if you're miserable, get the fuck out of it. If you pull the whole, "I'm scared for my life" card, remember this...there is something called 911 and the goddamn police. Anyway, I'm assuming this isn't your cup of tea, right? On to lucky guy #4...oh, by the way, 0 for 3.

#4 The Video Gamer Type:
He plays video games and is still a virgin. He's never masturbated a day in his goddamn life and if he were to shoot a wad, he could probably demolish a house with the heat he's probably packing inside that 4 inch dong of his. These guys are what I like to call A-Sexual. Not really sure what that means, other than, they don't like sex or women. They aren't gay and they aren't trying to become priests. These dudes play video games all damn day and think they're real. I like a good video game here and there but for fuck's sake, ain't no video game worth more than a piece of ass, IMO. If any of you know someone in this category please do me and America a huge fucking favor...get this motherfucker a prostitute and show him what busting a nut feels like. I'm pretty sure once he shoots his first-ever-wad, he will have a new hobby...it's called FUCKING. 0 for 4...ouch.

#5 The Gay Type:
No need for details here. These dudes don't like chicks. Well, only for shopping and drinking coffee and shit but, other than that, they don't dig the female species. They love dudes. Can't knock 'em for it so why argue. Even though they're in love with the "Hershey Ham Wallet" they are still dudes but just gay dudes. They will listen to you, love you, be true to you but just won't fuck you and be your boyfriend. Don't want kids? No problem. Don't want to get married? No problem. Want to have tons of sex? Yes. But with other dudes. See where this is going? You my friend are 0 for 5 and are basically fucked beyond belief. Only because, again, you want some guy that doesn't fucking exist. Get it?

So there you have it, ladies and gents...5 types of guys. It's shitty to not have what you want, and it's even shittier to have what you don't want, isn't it? Folks, whether it's you or a friend, realize some people need to chill the fuck out and realize that the man you are trying to build will never exist. Don't be like those chicks that are angry all the time but bitch on why they're still fucking single. Don't blame men on some bullshit you like to call "reality". You say you don't false advertise and lay it all out there. I say some chicks are full of fucking shit and don't come clean til after the fact (just like men, so calm the fuck down). But if what some say is true, then realize one thing...guys are smart enough to roll with it just so they can sleep with you. Call me an asshole all you want, the reality is, guys will say shit just to get in your pants. So it's up to you hoes (and I mean that in the most polite way) to either roll with it, call it out, or move the fuck on. Regardless, I'm sorry to say but...


Romeo Doesn't Exist,

J-Wunder

What Women Want: Part II

Dear Mr. Wunder,

Greetings from the UK! I wanted to write you to say first off, you're brilliant and hilarious. I purchased your book, "Wait…What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius" and I have to say it's been a hit with some folks out here. Keep up the great work!

The reason I am writing you is to tell you I came across "What Women Want" in your book. I'm not the most confident guy but after following your basic list of what women want and applying it when I went out with some friends, IT FUCKING WORKED! I don't know what it was, but after reading what you wrote and actually doing it, my confidence flew through the roof! Which brings me to my actual question - now that you've taught some of us guys how to approach women and seal the deal, what is your advice or list of things that we should do in bed if we ever get that opportunity? You sound like a man who knows what women (in any scenario), so I wanted to come to the man who helped me not be so shy. 

Look forward to hearing from you and thanks again for being real! 

Cheers,

Not So Shy Guy Anymore

Dear Not So Shy Guy Anymore,

WOW! I have to say you made my motherfucking week, man. Appreciate all the love coming from the UK and really appreciate you taking my advice from my book…and having it work. Like I tell everyone who follows my Facebook fan page, Instagram and Blog, I'm not here to bullshit anyone. I keep my shit real. So big ups to you and killing it with the ladies. Now onto helping you out with your question.

If there is one thing everyone (who follows me) seems to know, is that I love the ladies. I have slept with quite a few in my time. Been stalked by quite a few in my time. Been chased down in the dark ass streets of San Luis Obispo at 2am by quite a few (ok, just one crazy bitch) in my time. No matter what though, I've been going back for more, no matter how fucked up, crazy or normal they may be. 

I love sex. I love making out. I love all the shit that basically gives me a fucking boner. I'm pretty much like all men. When it comes to sealing the deal with women, let's say at a club or bar, and it's time to go home, the one thing that ALWAYS crosses a guys mind is, "What do I need to do to make this girl remember me?" Dudes can deny that shit all they want, bottom line, if you know you're about to fuck a one night stand that could possibly turn into something bigger, you want to perform and perform well. Well, I'm here to help those guys get to Super Dick status so when they lay their pipe down on those future drunk sluts (or nice wholesome girls), the girls will come calling. If not for more dick, then at least a free meal.

But before I move on with that, I do want to be completely honest. I'm not this guy who operates like this all the time. I mean, I've gotten drunk, taken a broad home and underperformed. I have my moments as has a lot of dudes and some chicks. The difference is that dudes don't say shit to their homies and chicks will tell all their motherfucking girlfriends. To you ladies out there who know I came too fast or couldn't get it up, guess what? Shit happens. I'm a man all about redemption. Don't hate. Congratulate…me…on being one of the first dudes you have ever known to admit that he ain't as fucking bad ass as he says he might be. Don't get it twisted though, you get me on a good day (which is like 80% of the time), you will roll out of my place in a wheelchair filing disability for work. Real talk. But I digress…

Ok, there are a few things that women will absolutely want when it comes to a dude fucking them. Side note: I'm going to keep this simple and basic so you goddamn freaks who like to be choked and punched in the face, you can stop reading now. I love y'all, but sometimes you motherfuckers go a little overboard with the violence and shit. 

There are a ton of things a man (or woman…if you like other chicks) can do to impress a woman in the sack. But when it really comes down to it, there are 5 important things one must do in order to make sure 1) The pussy whistles, 2) The pussy comes back a second time around, 3) You and your penis are remembered, 4) She is speechless when her friends ask, "How was it?", 5) She falls in love with the "D".  

#1: Make out

I've said this in so many columns that it's not even fucking funny anymore. Chicks LOVE to make out…and you should too. I get when it's time to get freak nasty, you just want to rip off your clothes and immediately start fucking. 

DON'T DO THAT!

Patience is virtue…or some shit like that, so what you need to do to get this fuck fest started is make out. I'm talking kissing, titty touching, neck nibbles, ass grabbing…the whole 9. Now, if you suck at kissing, you better hope the broad is drunk as fuck bc let's be honest, chicks get more turned on if the dude is a great kisser. Rhythm is everything so if you kiss like you're a 5 year old eating an ice cream cone, consider yourself fucked…for the time being, at least. 

Chicks like to be touched, gently and somewhat aggressively. Just don't do shit that will make her think you're about to beat her, tie her up then chop her into pieces. Being aggressive is cool, but don't beat the bitch up. Bites on the lip, neck, shoulder line, etc. are good spots. Remember she's human and not a fucking sandwich. 

Making out gets the engine warmed up, better yet, wet, so if you can execute this, you're on your way to a good time. 

#2: Thou shalt eat the pussy til she cometh

FACT: 40% of dudes love to eat pussy (I am in that 40%), while 60% of dudes hate it. Guys who hate this shit, need to be part of the 40%. Why? Because if you take care of the woman, she will return the favor, 10-fold. Realize that sometimes it's not all about you…asshole. 

I have written and commented many times on how much I love munching box, let alone what men should do when munching box. Remember, a vagina is fragile when it comes to putting your mouth on it. It's not a bag of Doritos so don't eat that shit like it's the first meal you've seen in 6 months. You start doing some shit to the point it starts to bleed, bet your ass you will get socked in the face and probably get the cops called on you. The vagina may not be the prettiest thing in the world, but you need to act like it is. Whether it looks normal, like a walking Arby's, resembles a bat wing or looks like beat up silly putty, eat that pussy like it's gold, my friend. Work that clit into overtime while gently thrusting a finger or two in that vagina hole. Bitches love when a dude can multi-task so when you do something like this, make sure you're gentle and a tad aggressive. Don't be licking that clit all nice while jamming your goddamn fingers in her pussy…you're not looking for change between the couch cushions, motherfucker.

Eating pussy is an art. Remember that you're the artist and the vagina is your canvas. Who says you can't get poetic with this shit, right? Next...

#3: Recognize what is right for the moment

"What does that mean, J?" I'll tell you fuckers what it means. It means that while you're hittin' the skins, you need to always know what is going on. When you're fucking, is she liking it when it's all gentle or is she asking for it to be a little rough? Is she spouting off some dirty ass shit while you're hitting the G spot? Fun fact: Chicks typically love to say some really dirty shit. Shit that would make you slap your own mamma. Real talk. 

Is she loving Missionary? Doggy? Reverse cowgirl? Does she want it in the dookie hole? Does she want to put it in YOUR dookie hole? Are you hitting the right spot to make her scream? Is she into getting punched? Choked? Fish hooked? Maybe she likes to be fucked while getting put in the Full-Nelson? 

When you're fucking, you need to recognize everything that is going on. Recognize how your dick is hitting her insides when you're in a certain position. What she says, screams or moans will let you know if what you're doing is the right or wrong thing. Don't initiate shit that might be out of line unless she initiates it first. Hey, I'm all for freaky shit but if you're fucking her doggy style, then stick your thumb in her butt while putting her in a half rear naked choke, chances are she's gonna bite your dick off because you caught her off guard. 

Let the woman take the lead while you and your pipe follow suit. Now, if she likes the dude to take command and flat out says it, by all means, go have a field day on that ass!

#4: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

For some reason everyone thinks you HAVE to fuck in the bedroom. People, it's 2014, there are kids in junior high doing way freakier shit than that. Scary to think about, right?

Boning is all about location and letting the moment take you there. Kitchen? Sure, why not…we can make a sandwich after we O-FACE. Alleyway? Dark places and homeless people turn me on. Parking garage? Beep beep, motherfucker. Grandma's bedroom? Fuck it, she about to die anyway. Rest in peace, grams. 

Never assume fucking in the bedroom is the answer. Spur of the moment shit is the best. Even if that means you're fucking in a Fiat 500 with a stick shift up your ass. You never know, it might turn her the fuck on. 

#5: The Aftermath

If there is one thing people aren't good at, after a one night stand or whatever, it's what happens after the fucking is done and over with. Sure, the sex was probably mind blowing but once it's done and both parties orgasmed a weeks worth of bodily fluids, the one thing that sticks out in both of your minds is, "Fuck, what now?" Do you spend the night? Do you pack up and peace the fuck out? Do you say you'll stay the night then sneak the fuck out in the middle of the night? Do you stay so you can get one more "good fuck" in before it gets really awkward? What do you fucking do? I'll tell you what you do. 

You let HER decide without even asking. 

Let's assume the sex was mind blowing. Let's also assume you both had a good time. What needs to happen after you done jizzed in her or on her is have HER bring up what happens next. Why? Because if you don't it, you'll look like the asshole who was just using her to get laid. Mind you, women can sometimes be like guys and want to just fuck and you to get the fuck out…or leave…depending on where you end up. 

Giving the woman the option to where she wants you to go may sound fucking crazy, but it gives you the opportunity to fuck again if that chance is realistic. You might be that guy that wants to fuck and bounce, but don't you dare tell her that. Well, if you don't give a fuck, you'll do whatever the fuck you want, but for the sake of the argument, let's say you do give a fuck because she was a bad ass bitch in bed. Letting her tell you to stay or go let's you play that card of "being on the same page" as her. If she wants you to stay, you can be like, "Sounds good, I think I will." If she says, "I got an early day tomorrow, thanks for the good time…maybe see you around?," you can be like, "I had a good time too…let's maybe do this again." If she says, "You don't have to stay if you don't want to" because she might feel obligated, then that puts you in a weird situation which I ain't even trying to fucking answer. So with that part, you're on your fucking own, homie. 

The Aftermath can work in your favor, if you know how to play your cards right so it's not fucking weird. Because let's be honest, 60-70% of the time, it's fucking weird and then fools be like, "I can't believe I fucking did that. It was great, but WTF?!" I mean, I've never done it but I'm also not right in the fucking head. 

So there you have it. 5 things to What Women Want…in bed. 

Don't forget to carry over the confidence from the first meeting. You can't go into a sexual encounter feeling like that shy guy again. 

Take this for what it's worth and spread those wings and maybe a lucky chicks vagina lips. Go out, have fun and this Christmas, put that dick in a box, my boy!

Godspeed,

J-Wunder 

Advice Column: What Women Want

Dear J-Wunder,

You seem like you know quite a bit on relationships, men, women, life. Your columns are entertaining but scary because they are spot on in some cases. My question to Mr. J-Wunder is, what do you think a majority of women want? What do guys need to do to seal the deal? I'm having the worst luck and figure you might be able to provide some insight. It's much appreciated.

Thanks,
No Luck Chuck




Dear No Luck Chuck,

Women are an interesting ass species, right? Sweet. Nice. Hard to read. Weird. Crazy. Sex maniacs. Quiet. Passive aggressive. Awkward. You name it, you'll run into these type of female personalities sometime in your life. But put all that shit aside, the question remains...what do women want? What makes a woman say, "I'm into that guy and want him." I can't speak for America, what I can do though, is speak for what I believe works, based on my experience. So grab that pen and paper and take notes because what I'm about to break down are, "J-Wunder's Rules to What Women Want"

Rule #1: Be Fucking Funny. You've heard this before in my "First Date" column. This is Rule #1 because if there is anything a woman loves, it's a funny guy. Do you know how many times I got laid because I was so funny? A lot, bro. I may not be the best looking, drive the nicest car, have the most money...but one thing is fucking certain, I am funnier than a lot of these goddamn pretty boy douche fucks. That's real talk. Funny can't be forced. It has to come at the right moment. Kinda like when you're about to have an orgasm inside or on a chick...it's best to do it when she's asking for it. It's all about timing and where the conversation is leading to. Don't try to be funny if she's telling a sad story. That date will end right fucking there. Trust me, I did that shit once and I was left paying for uneaten food. Bitch. However, once you get her laughing, keep it going. A woman laughing is like foreplay. I don't know for whatever reasons but, when chicks think you're funny, they get horny. How those two go together, beats the shit out of me but it is, what it is. However, if you ain't funny...I can't help you and you should stop reading this column immediately.

Rule #2: Look at her. When I say this, I don't mean, mad dog the bitch...you ain't trying to fight her. Don't try to look at her like you want to kill her either. Sick fuck. That shit is just fucked up, scary and wrong. When I say look at her, I mean, let her know you're into her. With that, comes the Jedi-mind shit. You know what that is? It's when you can look at a girl, and let her know you want her without telling her. Eye contact is always key and very important. Be engaged. You do that, there's a good chance she'll bite her bottom lip and start mind fucking you. This is her way of telling you, "Keep doing what you're doing. You have no idea how bad I want you." When that happens, look at her lips, down to her milky breasts, then look directly back up at her. But do it in a manner where you want her to follow where your eyes are going. Again, keep all of this shit engaged and locked in. Sometimes you don't need words to let someone know how in to them you are. Women love that shit and get off on the fact, just talking with your eyes, gets their panties soaked. If you need practice, try doing this on your dog. If you do it to yourself in the mirror, you might turn gay. It happens man. If you want to know what happens when you practice this on your dog, I have no clue. I'm not weird, motherfucker.

Rule #3: Flirt. This is a huge gray area. Why? Well, everyone flirts differently. And if you do it wrong, you're gonna be left jacking off at home while she's banging your buddy at his parents house. Always let the girl lead, then follow suit. Let her dictate how far she wants to go and you take it from there. Just don't start being the funny guy, look deep into her eyes and say, "Damn baby, I would love to eat your pussy right now." That shit my friend, ain't gonna fly. If anything, it will catch her off guard and think all you want to do is fuck. Treat this like baseball...you have to go to first base before you ever touch home plate. Now, if she's down to pound, by all means, pound that shit like you are tenderizing meat. But if she wants it to be more playful and a little bit of a strip tease, then stay within those boundaries. Your time will come when you get to incapacitate her in bed. Patience buddy. Nothing is worse then almost sealing the deal, and you go and ruin it by whipping out your dick and asking her if she likes her sausage raw. Don't go there if she isn't inviting you. But remember...FLIRT.

Rule #4: Don't be a tough guy. You work out. You have tattoos. You watch UFC. End it there. Please. No need to try to be all big and bad when it isn't necessary. If she met you when you weren't wearing your Affliction t-shirt and looked like a normal stand-up guy, then keep it that way. No need to brag about how you and your buddies got drunk one night and decided to smash 2x4's over each others backs to see "how it felt". That shit is fucking gay and you sound like a goddamn douche bag. If she wanted that, I'm sure she could've found that at the nearest douche lord watering hole. Look, if she wasn't into you, she wouldn't have talked to you. Get it ass wipe? Don't try to be something that will completely turn her off and make her think you have a little fucking dick.

Rule #5: Be confident. Chicks dig it. They want a guy that is confident, not cocky. Someone that has their shit together and can speak in complete fucking sentences. Women love men that are interesting and can mentally stimulate them. Now that doesn't mean you should be fucking retarded and act like Rain Man and shit...that just means, you have something to offer that is a bit different, from every other guy on this planet. So yeah, I guess, if you wanna be like Rain Man, fuck it...be Rain Man. With confidence comes good conversation. Just make sure your confident ass isn't talking about yourself every single fucking time you two meet. You need to be so confident about yourself that chicks already know who you are...and are worth the goddamn investment. Let them determine who you are without even telling them who you are. Again, get that Jedi-mind shit working. You do that, it'll be smooth fucking sailing. AND, your dong could get bigger. That's probably false but be confident enough that you can fit your little ass wang into a magnum size condom. Take that bitch!

Life is full of rules. Here's another prime example on how shit needs to be done in order to succeed in life. I don't think anyone (especially you ladies) would disagree on what I'm saying. If any of you guys do, well, you probably haven't banged a chick in years. Your 4th cousin on your mom's side of the family don't count either, dip shit. 5 rules. Clear direction. Implement these rules into your life and I'm sure you'll have your hands full. Now whether that's with a normal chick or a crazy fucking bitch, is up for debate. I just provide info that works. I never said on what type of personality it applies to, so you're on your own with all that. Good luck. You're Welcome.

Godspeed Son,

J-Wunder