Friday, January 23, 2015

Advice Column: Someone Caught Feelings

Hey brochana, hope you doing good.

Since HBomb kinda helped me out the last time, I now need your advice on a matter. This might have been discussed before but can't seem to find the post & I'm sure many guys have the same issue. 

Enough of the blabla and straight to the point. Why is it that as soon as I'm about to go down on a girl I consider as serious relationship material my nilly willy doesn't act the way he's supposed to act?
Other broads? Hookups? strippers? roommates (not a good idea btw!)? no problem! solid as a rock!

But on a girl I'm really interested in he really acts up, and I mean the whole shit. Heart is pounding like crazy & simply can get him back up. Flabby as a jellyfish floating in the ocean. I know I simply need to let it happen naturally and don't think too much but this is easer said than done.

Please dude, help me out here. Give me an advice on how to overcome this disaster.

btw keep up the good work


Dear What's Up With Ma Willy,

Here at Ghetto Genius Headquarters, it is our main goal to help motherfuckers like yourself, overcome situations with our fucked up advice and solutions. It's no surprise that some of the stuff we respond with is pretty fucked up and in some peoples minds "don't fucking work". Although 20% of that may be true, we come with the real shit and put it all out there. It's blunt honesty at its finest. This is why you have written us yet again and for that, we thank you kind sir.

So today, I'm gonna help you out. Well, at least tell you why I think your dick ain't working based on the situation you're in. Grab a pen and some motherfucking paper because it's goooooo time!!!! Shall we?

You and your dick's problem can be summed up in a few words:




You caught that shit, bruh. See, when men have been around the way and banged drunk sluts, hookers, one night stands, roommates (yeah dude…NEVER do that shit), strippers or whoever, 10 out of 10 times, dudes don't catch feelings. Why? Because fucking these types of bitches is just like a business transaction. You pay or get paid for a service. Complete it. Move the fuck on. Done and done.

During these times of fucking and fuckery, the only thing you and your wang are committed to is fucking that pussy right. The only feelings you have is you between those goddamn thighs, son. And the only goddamn emotion you have is when you blow a load so huge, you start to cry because it was that fucking amazing.

Fast forward to you meeting a classy broad. One who has her shit together. One who has life fucking goals. And one, one that makes you think, "Damn, I can actually see myself with this chick." Once you got to that fucking point, you caught feelings. Not to say that's a bad thing because it's not. If you find a bad ass bitch, grab that shit and run with it. Real talk.

For months, or even years, depending on how long you have had no fucks to give about relationships, you went out and had one mission in mind: FUCK PUSSY. While you were doing that, you probably had the mind set of: NO STANDARDS. NO MORALS. NO REMORSE. This sound about right, playa?

When all this shit happens, your dick, which is pretty much your best friend, follows suit and trust the fuck out of you. Whatever you want, your dick wants. Hungry for some pussy? Your dicks like, "Sure, I can eat right now. We going Asian, Caucasian or Sexual Chocolate tonight?" If you're not into it, your dick sure as hell ain't into it. When you're feeling buzzed, your dick is right there with you. If you're wasted, your dick is hanging low and far right, son. Both you motherfuckers need sober drivers. Feel me?

Now walks in this broad who has basically floored the fuck out of you. She's feeling you. You're feeling her. Everything is fucking gravy. There's only ONE problem? You don't even know how to be because for starters, she's just not some random bitch you're looking to fuck then throw her some cash for a cab ride home. Oh no. She's a girl that "you see yourself with". Again, you caught feelings, brohemus. That said, you gained nerves, emotions, butterflies in your little fucking tummy and more importantly, some sand in your vagina.

Basically, you're in shock and you and YOUR dick don't know how to handle it. Why? Because when you catch feelings, you actually fucking care. You care what she thinks. You care about what she says. You just fucking care about everything. *cue more sand being poured into your vagina*

Now, I know you said, "as soon as I'm about to go down on a girl I consider as serious relationship material my nilly willy doesn't act the way he's supposed to act?" I'm gonna assume this isn't about your cock acting up only when you eat a bitch out that you care about. Because if that's the case, then it's probably because these nice, wholesome bitches you care about have smelly ass vaginas. So let's not go there.

You and your dick have stage fright. You aren't fucking some random bitch anymore. Because if it was some random broad and sex was a complete fucking disaster, you wouldn't give two shits about it and never lose sleep. But now that you have this cool chick in your life, you care about being judged. Every fucking thing you do from kissing, dry humping, finger banging and fucking her, you care about what she thinks. "Does she like it when I do that?" "Shit…is she mad I tickled her asshole with a ballpoint pen?" You care bro. And that's ok BUT realize, you're thinking way too much about this shit. And when you over think things, your dick becomes retarded and can't function.

Getting down to get down with a cool ass chick you're feeling should be some of the greatest sex you should EVER have. And right now, you're fucking it up, Smalls. What you need to do is take a good look at yourself in the goddamn mirror and repeat these words:


Repeat that shit over and over til you release whatever goddamn butterflies or whatever is making you turn full retard from your body.

Don't act as if she is just another floozy to help your dick get hard. You do that, it may work but expect Willy Wanga to die out after 6-8 dick pumps.

Sack up, tell this broad whatever you need let out so the sand in your vagina doesn't keep building up. Feelings ain't a bad thing to catch. But if you're gonna be a little fucking bitch about it, then go back to fucking hookers, strippers and your roommate.

You're not doing you or your dick any good by acting a fool.

Wake the fuck up, son!


Ghetto Genius

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