Monday, January 5, 2015

Advice Column: Twisted Sister (In-Law)

Happy 2015 Sir Ghetto! :) My Question is this....

My younger bro's wife, despite my being polite and welcoming to her,  goes out of her way to be rude and stank as far as I'm concerned (I have at least a decade on her). She will speak to everyone EXCEPT me (meaning my husband, my in-laws, etc, even going as far as ignoring me in my own house during kids' parties). How would you handle this? A friend told me that my brother (who I'm cordial with, but not close to) is likely badmouthing me to her.

Dear Twisted Sister-In-Law,

BOOM! You win the award for shortest, yet most concise question of 2015. Mr. Ghetto Genius himself is going to chime in, in a moment, but I had to weigh in on this, too. See, my big bro OG was once married to a dismal specimen of a sister-in-law, whose trifling ways were known far and wide. She was so ratchet and awful, after they divorced, I made my brother promise to never marry another woman without my meeting them and approving them first. I still have the bar napkin contract that he signed 5 years ago, and I have checked with legal - it is a binding contract. So, I may know a thing or two about bitch-ass-trick-sister-in-laws.

But back to the lesson at hand - what should you do with some little bitch wants to throw shade, but doesn't even own an umbrella? Rule #1 is pretty simple: Bitches ain't shit, but hoes and tricks. Now, before one of you 'burn your B-R-A for the E-R-A,' patchouli-scented, unshaven, hippie-bitches wants to come at me for calling a woman a bitch, hoe, and trick, please direct your protest to the corner of "Go Fuck Yourself" Avenue and "Zero Fucks Given" Boulevard. Bitches will always be nothing more than hoes and tricks. This shit ain't new to no female.

See, this little twat-waffle wants to come in to your family and even worse, your house, and not pay the proper respects to the lady of the manor, which is rude as fuck, but also a sign of deep immaturity. Old H-Bomb would have told you to take off your shoe and smack that bitch in her trick mouth, but I recently turned 35 and have gotten all mature and shit. Well, except for that one night 3 weeks ago, when I left my driver's license and debit card at a strip club, but that is another story for another time. So NO, smacking her in the mouth is not the answer, even though I bet it would feel amazing to knock Tricken Little down a peg, or two. But, we must act like the nice, dignified, and mature ladies that we are,  and be the bigger person. It is killing me to type those words, but they are the truth.

I know, my advice is way out of fucking left field, but the thing I have learned in the last few years, especially when dealing with dumb skanks, is this: if you give someone rope and rope and more fucking rope, eventually, they will hang themselves. She's gonna keep acting stank, and eventually people will figure out that she is nothing but a hating ass bitch who is grinding her axe on the wrong woman. So let her. I mean, sure it is uncomfortable being around the Lady from Shady Lake, but that is her shit, not yours. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Do you, and do it well, that is the best way to let her know you got her number, but you ain't trying to call her anytime, ever. Now…here are some thoughts from the male skank, J-Wundercunt.

The most amazing thing with these collaboration advice columns is that H-Bomb and I are always on the same page. Except the whole finger in the ass thing…she doesn't think that shit is hot and as for me,  I think it works when the person you're doing least expects it. I'm all about the element of fucking surprise, bitches!!! But I digress…

In-laws…you either love them or you fucking hate them. What I don't get is when someone is marrying into a family, it should be quite fucking obvious that these are the motherfucking people you will have to deal with the rest of your life. Family gatherings, kids birthdays, bbq's, interventions, whatever…once you say "I do", a light should go off and tell you, "Ok motherfucker, even though you're happy with your man and may not like some of his/her family members, kill these bitches with kindness and don't act a fool. Even though you may not like them, do your best to show some goddamn respect."

Now, that typically doesn't go down like that all the time. I mean, look at all the shit you see on the news during the holidays and such when Aunt Rachel shanks her bro's wife in the face with a turkey leg. Shit gets real when the least bit of animosity is felt. That's what you have going on. You gotta a trick ass SIL thinking she runs the place when she's around and in turn, doesn't have the fucking decency to acknowledge you…especially in your OWN FUCKING HOUSE. That right there is some shit that will get a motherfucker ass fucked going in dry.

You don't want to be that bad bitch who goes in dry from behind while beating the bitch with her own dildo…fuck the bigger person like H-Bomb mentioned. However, by bigger, I don't just mean being all mature and shit. I mean, take your so-called trifling ass brother to the side and tell that motherfucker what is up and why the fuck his broad gotta kill your vibe every time she's around. If y'all are siblings, act like it and talk like adults without one of you acting like a little bitch kid who just dropped their ice cream cone in front of the homies.

Shit like this lingers and it's fucked up. But you shouldn't suffer. Talk to your bro and see if he can put this shit to an end. No one, I mean NO ONE, should act as if you don't exist…especially at your motherfucking house. If your bro isn't trying to hear it either or doesn't want to make this better, then fuck him too and ride the wave with your nose in the air. Eventually, everyone will catch on and that bitch will get outcasted faster than you think.

Man, this might have been one of the first columns that didn't mention sex. Wait, I lied.

Don't go in dry…that shit hurts.


J-Wunder and H-Bomb

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