Wednesday, February 18, 2015

J-Wunder's Top 3 Worst Sexual Experiences of ALL-TIME

As a lot of you know and have probably read, I love sex. There isn't a moment in my day that I don't think about it. Don't be surprised, because for starters, I'm a guy...and secondly, I'm just a perverted fuck. That's why y'all love me though. Right?

I've written columns on my many successful sexcapades throughout my years of boning and thought today, I should tell the world about my not-so successful sexcapades. Why? Well why the fuck not? Hey, as much as I love pussy and enjoy banging a ton of broads, let's be real, I haven't WOW'd all of them by any means. I mean, sure I paid a couple off to lie about how I was awesome in bed, but that's for another story at another time.

Not every situation is going to play out the way you've imagined...especially when it comes to taking the train to Pound Town. That's why today, I'm gonna give you J-Wunder's Top 3 Worst Sexual Experiences of ALL-TIME. Let's do this!!!

#3: Cherry Poppins 
This should be no surprise that the first time I had sex would be a disaster, and on this list. I was 12 years old and in the 7th grade. Was in my first "real relationship" (btw - who the fuck was I, thinking I knew what love was…idiot) ready to take "the next step". Damn, that sounded really gay (but not in a gay way).

I was at my girlfriend's house that summer afternoon in July. No siblings or parents in sight. We go to her room and without even thinking about it, we both get butt ass naked and lay in bed. As we both felt this sense of "what the fuck are we doing," I go into my pants and reach for the condom I stole from my brother's sock drawer and make an IKEA attempt to learn how to put this thing on my willy. Good thing it goes on one way, right?

So there I am, naked. Hard as a mature field mouse, ready to go. As I was ready to show her what my newborn baby dick could do, something inside my head said, "Eat her out, bro." See, when you have 3 older brothers that are sexually active, you tend to hear shit when they talk amongst themselves about sex and chicks. And if there was one thing I always heard, it was "eating pussy". There was never an explanation on how to do it so I had to dive in and just go with it.

I spread my gal's legs and come face to face with what I've seen in tons of Playboy mags and my dad's porn collection. VAGINA.

The hair on it was so beautiful and not too bushy. It was like she just took her shit to the salon to style it just for me. Here I am a virgin, about to eat a chick out for the first time and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. But that didn't stop me...oh no. I finally dove in.

I had two thoughts as I was approaching her meat hanger: 1) It might smell and taste like the tuna sandwiches my mom makes me for lunch and 2) I hope it doesn't and actually tastes and smells like pepperoni pizza. Right as I got to my point of destination, it didn't smell or taste like neither. Actually, it was quite lovely. No smell, a little flavor…something that reminding me of pink lemonade and cotton candy. Who the fuck am I kidding? It smelled and tasted like clean fucking pussy.

While I was down there, I couldn't help but experiment different things. For example, doing a figure 8 with my tongue on her clit. The up and down. The side to side. The slow-mo with the 2 finger bama-jamma. The ice cream lick. The lollipop suck. The potato chip crunch. I mean, I was doing everything and by the time I was done, it looked like a pack of St. Bernard's drooled all over this poor chicks cooter. It was a human water slide with a big ass wet spot on the bed. We haven't even gotten to the sex people. Ok, now onto the sex.

I'm gonna be honest, I had no idea how I was gonna get my pecker in her hole. At one point, when I thought I had it in, it was my dick rubbing between her thighs. No fucking lie. I thought I was popping her cherry when really, my dick was giving her thighs a massage. I hit everything except her vagina. How-the-fuck-ever, when I FINALLY found my pot of gold, I was in. Then came in 4 dick pumps.

#2: Crop Dusted
I like to get freaky. Don't get it twisted though, I ain't trying to choke a bitch then shit on her chest because she asks nicely. Fuck all that. I'm talking just freaky enough to make a chick come back for more. I'll try anything (within reason) once, then maybe twice for good measure.

I was a sophomore at Cal Poly and met this one hot number at a house party my buddy was throwing. Drunk, as always, your boy J-Wunder went back to this broad's house to show her why they call me, "The Bomb From Guam". Right from the get-go, things got hot and heavy fast. Clothes were flying off, dirty shit was being said out loud, and within minutes, I had her ass naked on the bed, locked and loaded in the doggy style position…ready to feel my Wrath of Kahn. Now, before I tried to slide it right in, I decided to tease this chick for a bit. I told her to spread her legs a little wider as I came underneath her so she can sit on my face. She was digging the fuck outta that. Straight up. The more I denied her my wang, the crazier and hotter she was getting.

Kissing her head to toe, I decide to lay this gal on her stomach and play with her backside for a bit. As I'm moving up from her thighs to her glorious fat ass, she says, "J, lick my asshole. Will you lick it, baby? You are getting me so fucking wet right now! Ever lick an asshole before? It feels so good." I paused for a hot second and asked myself, "Self, what's the worst that can happen? This chick is as clean as a whistle and smooth like silk. Lick that asshole like it was the last Astro Pop on earth, son!" So without hesitation, I move right into those beautiful butt cheeks, spread them about 3-4 inches apart, stick out my tongue like I'm at the school water fountain during recess, and start licking her goddamn asshole…that's when it happened…

This broad farted right on my fucking tongue and in my mouth. No lie.

Not even three full fucking licks and this bitch straight farted on my tongue and in my goddamn mouth. I got ass trumpeted.  And you know what? This crazy bitch didn't even flinch and told me to keep going. Like she was hypnotized and had no fucking clue what was going on other than having my tongue lick her asshole while putting her in a tranquil state. I was confused, grossed the fuck out, yet, turned on by the whole fucking thing.

I had to excuse myself because I needed a moment to realize that this bitch straight tooted in my fucking mouth and acted like that shit was normal. I go to the bathroom, regroup and rinsed my mouth out with what seemed like mouthwash but tasted like some shit you'd put in a bubble bath, but I didn't fucking care. I just needed to get this broad's fart remnants out my fucking mouth.

Having to pep-talk myself for 5 good minutes, I don't lose my shit, block out any thought of puking, sack the fuck up and head back to the bedroom to finish what I started. That's when something else happened…

I walk into the room, the gal is laying off the side of the bed and there's a mountain of puke just chillin'. So much for Round 1.5, right?

That's how my night ended people. Getting smoke bombed in my mouth, on my tongue and coming back to a naked woman who puked out a weeks worth of Italian food.


#1: YOU can be drunk, but your dick can't. 
I like two things: Sex and Booze.

Now, when you have one of these things, you have to be sure you are able to do the other. 90% of the time when I have both, shit gets REAL, y'all! I become a fuck machine. However, if I have too much of one, the other one goes completely down the shitter.

Las Vegas, circa 2000. Me and my boy BJ head to Sin City to drink, gamble and overall, do some down and dirty fucking shit. We meet his buddy at Excalibur and head to a bar, that I believe was off the strip. I don't remember the name of the place, all I remember is there were motherfuckers taking leaf blowers and blowing napkins EVERYWHERE, after so many minutes have passed. I end up meeting a chick who was actually Mormon. A holy girl who, for the first time, decided to rebel against her religion and get fucking crazy for a weekend. She met the right fucking guy.

As usual, we chat, get wasted and make out…pretty much all over the bar. We were "that couple" who needed to get a room and get the fuck out of dodge because it got to a point where people were tired of watching an innocent girl get finger banged under a table while taking shots of tequila. Wait, what?! Hey man, she wanted to get crazy, so what else would anyone expect??? But I digress…

We cruise out, grab a cab and head to my hotel room where we both know what is about to go down. Knowing what I drank, I knew it was going to be a great night of fucking because my dick-o-meter was at a perfect 100%, so what she was in store for, I hope she was ready. That's when going from a perfect 10 went to a negative 1,290,383 real quick.

Right before we get to the room, this broad wants to grab a "quick shot" at the casino bar. One shot, turned into about 5 Jager Bombs as we finally head back to my room and board the Pound Town Express.

Drunk as a skunk, I still felt great about boning this chick into complete and utter oblivion. I turn off the lights, take off her clothes and start to go to work…

It didn't take long to pop a super boner once her boobs were in my mouth. However, a few seconds after putting it in, my dick just died. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

For 10 minutes this happened. My dick was like a human slinky. Up for 10 seconds, down for 30.

This is when I knew my cock was officially drunk. So what the fuck was I supposed to do? I had to think fast because I wasn't gonna let this hot ass Mormon chick's first sexual encounter be a horrible one. Especially with a dude with a drunk ass penis. No way, no how.

I get up, tell her to lay on her back and put her ass towards the edge of the bed. She's drunk, I'm drunk and at the end of the day, we both want this to happen…even though we might not remember how it went down the next day. So being the slick motherfucker that I am, I put both her legs on my shoulders then insert three fingers in her vagina and act like it's my dick. As I'm thrusting my hips and using my fingers like a functioning cock, she's loving every minute of it. Honestly, I don't even think she cared if she was getting fucked or finger banged at this point since she was wasted and getting her o-face on. It got so ridiculous that at one point, I pull my fingers out, take my limp ass dick and slap that shit on her clit, like you see in porno's…just so she would think I'm actually jabbing my wang inside of her. Never in my life have I seen a girl get off more from my hand than my cock. Jesus, did I just say I'm better at fucking with my hand than my own penis? Wait, what?

At this point, I don't care because while I'm doing my version of "fake chow," I'm thinking, my dick has GOT to get hard. This shit is too hot and heavy for it not to. That's when it happened…

It felt like I was going so deep in this chick with my fingers, that I think I could almost pull out her intestines and tickle her esophagus. I wasn't fucking around people. It was like I was committing some sort of domestic violence on her vagina but she wasn't saying stop. I'm going faster. She's screaming louder. My dick is NOT getting harder. She's about to cum and right when she is so CLOSE to unleashing the fury, my whole right hand cramps the fuck up.


I pull out my fingers and begin to beat my hand against the bed because my shit is in a full-on tiger claw cramp and is not letting up. She freaks out and tells me to use my other hand. I'm in pain and am at a point where I kinda want to falcon punch the bitch because now she's just being selfish. I head to the bathroom and turn on the hot water because 1) My hand is just covered in vaginal juices and 2) I'm hoping this goddamn cramp will let the fuck up…which, it finally does.

I compose myself and notice that my dick is fully functioning once again. I walk out of the bathroom to only find the bitch who I was cage fighting in her vagina, moments prior, gone. Out the door. Peaced the fuck out.

You can only drink so much until it's showtime.

She will be the most disappointed Mormon to probably ever live.

Thanks, Guamaconda. Fucking dick.

1 comment:

Aaron said...

It's good to know I'm not the only one that this weird shit happens to.b I've had my dick puked on by two different women, been shit on, pissed on, farted on, and pretty much anything else you could imagine.