Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Advice Column: Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Dear J-Wunder,

Plain and simple, I need help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about three years now and I couldn't be happier. Things are great between us and he's an amazing guy. But you see, he's experienced while he's my only experience. I'm still way too shy when it comes to doing the dirty and bumping uglies beneath the sheets. Whenever he initiates sex, I'm all in. Ready for action and horny as hell. 4 a.m. and woken from a dead sleep? No problem. As long as he puts the moves on me, I'm game. Done deal. But what I need to know is how can I unleash the sexual beast in myself? I'm always too nervous to ever initiate anything and I absolutely hate it! The only time I can dish it out is when I'm drunk...which pretty much turns me into an A-List pornstar. How can I become a freak in the sheets without the help from a little glass bottle? I love to suck, and I love to fuck way too much to be this reserved. I crave the "D"...his "D" anyway, and I want to be able to show my man just how much he gets me going. Hell, if I could stop being such a little bitch about it, I'd go fuck him and find out how many licks it takes to make his tootsie pop right now. Do you think you can help me?

Wolf in sheep's clothing

Dear Wolf In Sheep's Clothing,

First off, I want to congratulate you on finding a virgin surgeon (a.k.a. your boyfriend) that was able to insert his valuables in your safety deposit box. I hope he tore your shit apart but was nice enough to make you a bowl of cereal the next day to mask the possible awkwardness while you two were lying naked in his bed wondering, "I hope I was good enough." All jokes aside, I appreciate you writing in with your problem because as you and the world may know, I am the motherfucker with all the solutions. Even if they are beyond fucked up and make no goddamn sense.

Sit tight, grab a pen and some paper because I'm gonna open your eyes to that sexy bitch that lies deep inside of you.

I've seen and been with women just like you. Great in the sack. Love sex. However, they lack self-confidence. Well, except when they're wasted but that's another story for another time. I know women like yourself so well that I actually have a few rules that will not only make y'all bitches come out of your shell, BUT exude that confidence you have always been looking for. Now, don't get it twisted, a good percentage of women have confidence, however, the confidence they try to find from a sexual aspect, lacks. So get ready Tits Magee because your motherfucking life is about to change.

Rule #1: Confidence takes time.

I don't care if you've been dating your man for a fucking month or 10 goddamn years, all I know is that women who are in your position need one thing when it comes to showing that "freak in the sheets" side - TIME. Sure you're an A-List Porn Star when you're wasted. I love my asshole tickled when I'm wasted, so what's your point? With time, comes comfort. Shy broads always have that self debate on when showing that Walker Sexas Ranger is allowed, if ever. The reality is, if you show a side to your man when you're hammered, then there is no need to worry if he's going to judge you doing the same shit sober. Sure you may have been slurring some pretty off the wall shit while you were fucking him like the chupacabra attacking a herd of sheep when you two got back from the bars Saturday night...and maybe you surprised him by tossing his salad with parmesan cheese instead of ranch dressing, right before he blew his load all over your rack. Inhibitions are non-existent when you're wasted. It's also a good excuse if things don't go as planned. That's why when you finally settle in that comfort zone, you gotta show your man that confidence. That sexy bitch who has been caged up since the beginning of time. If you love to fuck and suck the "D", then there shouldn't be any issue showing him the different ways you want it.

Rule #2: Don't act sexy, BE sexy.

I hate it when chicks try to act sexy. That is probably one of the worst no-no's a bitch could ever do. Now, some guys buy into that shit because well, they are desperate and some dudes standards are at a negative 1,893,093. They'd fuck carpet if it could get wet. Wait, what?! Sexy doesn't mean one specific thing. Sexy is whatever it is that makes you feel or be sexy. That's what makes a motherfucking dude want the golden pussy. There was this one broad that didn't have to do much to make me want to fuck her til she was blue in the face. She could put her hair up, wear her reading glasses, with a v-neck shirt and some booty shorts and just the way she came off with such confidence with no fucks to give was sexy. She knew it and I sure as fuck knew it. That's what you gotta do. Your man loves fucking you. That right there in itself is a sign that you have some sort of sexiness. I've seen your picture and you're fucking hot. Be that hot bitch you know you can be. Sexy isn't defined by wearing 6 inch heels, walking around like a goddamn drunk baby giraffe. Fuck no and fuck that. Sexy is when a woman can rock her shit with such confidence that you wouldn't even know it. When you get to that level of sexy, that level that YOU know, then it's all good. Don't be sexy for your man, be sexy for YOU. Women need to put themselves first. That's what will give a guy, including your man, the desire to want you even more.

Rule #3: Unleash the beast.

You said it yourself, you are always game when your man sells tickets for rides on the Pound Town Express. And as much as that's all gravy, you need to wake the fuck up. Men love it when a woman can keep them on their toes. Whether that's surprising them with tickets to their favorite sporting event or telling them you can put it in your ass "just this once," men dig it when women can always surprise them, and vice-versa. Healthy relationships last a long time because couples always keep it fresh. Always keep it entertaining. ALWAYS keep it sexy. You need to do all of these. Especially the last part. When you find that comfort, when you find your ultimate sexy side, you need to UNLEASH THE BEAST. You need to have no fucks to give and take care of your man like you know you can. The problem here isn't fucking him right. I'm sure you fuck him like he wants to be fucked. How-the-fuck-ever, you need to wow this motherfucker to the point that after you're finished with him, he's seeing stars, going blind, hi-fiving Jesus or is sucking his thumb asking for some milk from your goddamn titties. That beast of a freak that lies inside your amazing body has ideas. Has plans. Has the know-it-all on what the fuck you need to do and how to do it fucking right. RAWR, bitch.

Rule #4: Take control. 

Here is your chance to make a motherfucker squirm. Whether you're telling this cat to dress up in leather, beating his balls with a paddle, whipping him like Seabiscuit at the Kentucky Derby or whatever...you my dear, need to take control. From start to finish. I don't care if you do your own version of the Donkey Punch or Dirty Sanchez, you just need to make sure you make your man YOUR bitch. On behalf of all dudes, trust me when I say this...WE LOVE IT WHEN A WOMAN CAN TAKE CONTROL AND MAKE A BROTHER'S LEGS QUIVER. That's the level your ass needs to be at. That's the level that you can't play below. That's the level where you are at but need to show that. Stop Jedi-Mind Fucking yourself and start Jedi-Mind Fucking your man. I'm not down for getting tied up and having old ass gym socks shoved in my mouth while having hot wax poured onto my body while Sade is playing in the background and the dog is licking peanut butter off my asshole, but your man might be into some type of shit like that. Regardless of how you want to approach it and do it, just TAKE CONTROL.

Rule #5: Have fun. 

No brainer, right? No really. More times than not, couples just fuck out of obligation or pity. I know you're not even close to this category but like the amazing motherfucker I am, I have to preach the things that help couples get to the next level in order to stay the fuck together. Y'all just need to have some fucking fun. I can only imagine how great sex is but you being shy limits you to the shit you WANT to do. To the shit you WANT to say. To the shit you WANT to be. If sex was bad, I'd say, "You should fuck me first so I can evaluate where you and your man need to be" but it's not. You just need to have some fucking fun...minus the booze...and show your man what the fuck is up and how YOU roll. Chicks that come with the thunder out of nowhere are the best bitches to fuck and be around. Again, it comes back to that Jedi-Mind Fucking and element of surprise bullshit I was yapping about earlier. Sometimes I look at couples and think, "Man, I bet those two sonsofbitches have a boring ass sex life. Square as fuck and have no goddamn clue how to keep each other happy." Don't be that couple that I talk shit about. Sex only gets better when both sides come with this thunder and cum together. O-FACES ALL DAY, ERRRRDAY!

You are so close to making this motherfucker probably want to marry you. I get how you've only banged one dude and you're probably not the type to fuck multiple people like yours truly. Nothing wrong with that. But, just remember don't make your relationship and sex life get to the point where it hits a wall and there is nowhere to go. 5 RULES that I promise will get that bad bitch inside of you going real fast.

Keep sucking. Keep fucking. And show this cat who's also a freak in the sheets.

Now I'm all horny. Thanks, bitch.

Much love,


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