Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Advice Column: Missing "Dick" In Action

Dear J-Wunder,

I have been with the same guy since I was 20 and he was 18. Back in the beginning he wanted sex ALL the time. I'm talking every day, three to four times a day. We both worked and it always seemed like a chore to me. Maybe this was because I didn't really enjoy it at the time. I basically knew nothing about having sex. Quite frankly, I was probably a lousy lay, but did it all the time because he wanted it. Before him, I only had sex with two other guys, so I basically knew nothing. I guess I was shy in the sack. Not now.

Well here it is almost a decade later and I'm with the same guy. Through those ten years he gradually slowed down to asking for it maybe twice a week. Well, here in the last six to eight months the tables turned. I finally realized what the G spot was and want him to pound it all the time. As a matter of fact, that is all I have been thinking about.  He feels like a king nOw knowing how to get me off. At first he was loving it.  Now when I want it all the time, he is too tired. I always thought he would want it, but acts like its no big deal now.

He has been bragging to his friends at work that he gets it any time he wants it.  Now, I'm embarrassed to be around his friends. Is that normal? he just tired from having to get me off? I really thought men would take it anytime, anywhere.

By the way, I don't think he's cheating. Also, I'm embarrassed for sending this.
Any suggestions?

Horny Bitch

Dear Horny Bitch,

Damn Gina….never, ever, ever, ever, EVER be embarrassed for wanting to broaden your hatchet wound's horizons. It’s quite alright to ask questions, read, watch, listen, or attend an institute of higher learning, like one of Jenna Jameson’s cock-in-mouth, sword-swallowing seminars.

You are two years older than your dude, which doesn’t seem like much, but keep in mind that he hit that infamous sexual peak about the time you started dating him. NEWS FLASH: I wanted pussy since I was like 5. Tapped my first piece of ass around 12 or 13. Fuck my first amputee when I was...Wait, what?! But I digress...

Your man is always locked, cocked and ready to rock because that’s what every 18 year old guy is. And every 20 year old female wants a dude who’s into her, right? Her, her mouth, her vagina, whatever. The point is you were getting more than sex from your man back then – you were getting attention. When women want their man’s attention, they will do almost fucking anything to get it, including getting freaky 3 times a goddamn day. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but…FUCK YESSSSSSS!!!!! That makes my dick sore but amazingly happy just thinking about it.

You probably didn’t enjoy it back then because you knew in your heart that he was paying attention to your poontang and not you.  That shit probably made you sad as fuck, right? And it’s probably also why you were a “lousy lay”. Let me break something down for you, far as men – especially 18 year old fuckboys - are concerned, DOESN’T MATTER. HAD SEX. BOOM!!! *mic drop* But now that you’re 30 or whatever and starting to “find yourself” sexually, dude doesn’t want to get down? Bitch, please. Let’s be honest. Men like vagina, especially yours truly. They will rarely, if ever, turn it down unless they know that your ham hock is rotten because she smashed a homie and he's still combing out the bar flies.

I’m glad that you trust your man and have convinced yourself he’s not cheating. I would be concerned that if he’s not getting it from you, he is probably getting that shit somewhere else. Hopefully that’s not the case here, but you just never fucking know. Especially nowadays with motherfuckers cheating like there's an Asian kid sitting next to them. Relationships are always such a huge leap of faith, which is why trust is everything. I’m not one to trust a motherfucker straight out the fucking gate, but if you know your man well enough to trust that he’s not dipping out and banging bitches like it's his job, good for you. I gotta say, though, after 10 years if you are still both hitting that ass at least twice a week, you’re doing pretty fucking well.  

So, what are you gonna do? What CAN you do?

What your ass chooses to do depends on the goddamn strength of your relationship, how much he doesn’t want to fuck, and how much you wanna to take that one-way ticket to Pound Town.

Channel your inner porn star, homegirl. We all have one. Some people give them cute names. I prefer to stand on merit, not make up some name like I’m trying to catch a producer’s eye at Vivid. Plan a solid, hardcore seduction scene. After 10 years, you should know what your man likes, so do that shit. If he likes lingerie, skank it up like the hoebag you are into something lacy and some stripper heels...don't forget to do the motherfucking heel clack!!!! All dudes love the heel clack.

If he likes you more when you're butt ass naked, make him dinner with no clothes on. But make sure you’ve waxed or shaved your business because nothing is further from sexy than finding a pube in your motherfucking Fettuccine Alfredo. Most importantly, if your man works long hours during the week, don’t plan that shit for a Friday night. He doesn’t want to come home after a long day at work only to be faced with more fucking work. And yes, when you’re tired as balls, sex is fucking work. Unless you're me and find that second wind and can still make that pussy hummmmmmm. However, all the kissing and licking and stroking of things…FUCK. That shit can be a second job for some dudes. If he isn't into porn (and I defy you to show me a fucking dude that isn’t into porn), he’s gotta be into something. Whatever it is, if you’re comfortable with it, work it. Men respond to being treated like kings. And sometimes it’s fun to be the wench in their little fantasies. Role play the fuck outta whatever your little pussy pocket desires then pounce on that motherfucker like female praying mantis' do after they get done fucking their man. Now, don't go and kill the motherfucker and eat his ass like the female mantis. I'm just using that shit as an example because it's savage as fuck. Know what I'm saying? 

Real talk, I’m having problems giving you any other advice here, because I don’t like playing fucking games. I don’t want to tell you to play “hard to get”, or to start going out with your slutty girlfriends to make him jealous or any other stupid horseshit. It’s childish and is only going to add to your fucking problems, not solve them. Bottom line is, if you walk up on your man, grab his cock like a bucket of ice when you bitches are on your period and tell him he’s about to get it, and he tells you he doesn’t want it? I think it’s time you explored some other fucking options. Unless he’s getting it somewhere else or he’s on high dose anti-depressants, no man is going to turn down a willing piece of ass. Not even blind motherfuckers. Sex is a large part of keeping relationships alive and happy and if you’re not getting what you need, get the fuck out and find it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  There is somebody out there for everybody. Somebody who fills all those fucking needs. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying you should dump dude and go on a wild fuck fest spree. But it should be clear that if you want it, you’re going to get it  - one way or another. Yes, he makes your toes curl, but don’t let him think for one minute that he’s the only motherfucker on the planet who can do that. You know what you like, and you’ll make that shit happen regardless.

Get yours,  

Ghetto Genius 


Anonymous said...

Wtf is a heel clack? God damnit why don't I know this?.

J said...

Love it! Say that shit, say that shit...