Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Advice Column: Being A Freak Is Earned, Not Given

Dear J-Wunder,

Big fan and was excited to write you. Ok, now for my question -  so I love having sex with my boyfriend and one thing that I fantasize about is him talking dirty to me since I'm a freak. One night, when we were a little tipsy, we start to get it on and while he's fucking me, I tell him to talk really dirty to me and say whatever comes to mind. Just some really dirty and freaky stuff.

Right after I said that, he goes and calls me "his dirty whore" who is a "sexy fucking slut". That wasn't that bad so I tell him to keep going as I'm about to climax. He then goes on to tell me how he wants to put his finger in my ass (so I let him) then to top it off, he shouts out how he wants to fuck me and my sister and cum all over our faces. At first I became super turned on and came, then all of the sudden I started crying while he finished off all over my tits. 

I'm pretty upset and not sure what to think. Did he take it too far when he said that? I asked him if he meant it and he avoids the question. Am I overthinking this? Do you think he wants to fuck my sister? Do you think my sister wants to fuck him? They've always been flirty and I've thought nothing of it but now, I'm thinking he really has something for her.

Your honesty is appreciated. 

P.S. - I just bought your book and excited to read it. 

Dirty Bird

Dear Dirty Bird,

What is it with some of you guys/gals who want to act like a fucking freak then all of the sudden, get mad when shit goes too far?

Tell me what REAL freak says to someone, "Hey man, you took that shit beyond what the fuck I was thinking! Why you gotta be like that, asshole?!" Not any REAL freak I know.

I'll be honest with all you folks reading this, I'm a freak. Well, at least I thought I was a REAL freak. I love to fuck bitches and any fan who has been following me, knows that. Now, during the time I declared myself a freak in the sheets, I was tested by a woman who I thought was a freak like yours truly.

Then shit got mad real. Side note: for those who haven't read my book, here is an excerpt about this one freak who laid it one me like the crazy bitch she was...

From "Wait...What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius - Top 5 Baddest Bitches In Bed":

#3: The Quiet One

I've always said, "The quiet ones, are the wild ones." She was an accountant for Ernst & Young. Fine. Flavorful. Blonde. Reserved. Didn't say much when I met her. Then we went out for drinks. What I thought was going to be a night of intellectual conversation about books, mathematical equations, books on boring shit and astronomical stuff that makes my dick soft, the tables turned. She invited me back to her place. Told me to go to her room, take my clothes off and lay on the bed. Your wish is my command. 10 minutes later, a woman in leather walks in. With handcuffs, a whip and a paddle. Question for you fellas: You ever have to beg for your life during foreplay? And when I say beg, I mean like, a cry for help? Call motherfucking 9-1-1?! That was me after 20 minutes. One of the top 3 best fucking blowjobs of all-time with a reverse cowgirl that would make any dude cum within half a dick pump. Real talk. This bitch was bad. I'm talking unreal bad as in, fucking good. She knew what a dude wanted and gave that shit to him like 12 dudes going Bukaki on that poor little Asian chick in them crazy fucked up fetish porns. But all that shit came to a screeching fucking halt when she thought it would be fun to pull out her paddle and whack my goddamn yambag. Do you know what it fucking feels like to get fucking paddled in your nuts? I would say, it would probably feel like if someone took a frozen paint ball and shot that shit at your dick, then laughed as you cried. That was this bitch...punishing the shit out of me and thinking it was funny. And since I love all you motherfuckers, I'm gonna be honest, I was so scared of this broad I kicked that bitch in the face. BOOM! Then, for good measure, I took her nifty ass paddle and paddled not 1, but 2...yes, two fucking titties. Who's laughing now, cunt? I ain't gonna lie, I thought I killed her from the fucking impact, so I left her 7 dollars, took my clothes and ran out that motherfucking town house like I just went home invasion in that bitch. Quit laughing.

Now, at this moment in time, I was ready. Well, at least I thought I was ready. I love challenges. I also love to do things that turn women on. But this...this was some next level shit I wasn't ready for. I mean, I got paddled in my fucking balls, people. This bitch was coming from down under and whacking my shit like Dolores Claiborne. I'm talking some real abusive shit. Shit that makes grown people cry. Was it fucked up what I did to her upon my escape when I kicked her in the face and whacked both them titties? I would say yes but the part that was never told was that this bitch LOVED IT! Yeah, she loved getting hit back. Like, some real, family Thanksgiving type violence and shit. If I stayed any longer, she probably would have asked me to stab her in the kidney and drink her fucking blood then spit it on her face. No joke people. This bitch scared me the fuck straight. 

And here I was thinking, "J-Wunder a freak. I like to put it  in the butt. I'm the man. I bite titties." Nah, y'all. That's some intermediate shit. This bitch was a 5-time World Champion in fucking and freaky stuff. I'm talking she made Mister Miyagi her bitch. I was below her. WAAAAAY below her. Why? Because I thought I could handle being a freak. 

NEWSFLASH: Tickling balloon knots and biting a piece of pussy is child's play compared to what real freaks want. 

And you, you're mad because your boyfriend said some shit about wanting to fuck you and your sister and blowing his fat wad on your faces? Sweetheart, you're lucky this dude didn't fuck you in the ass, Donkey Punch you, then lay you on your back then shit on your chest and give you the Chili Dog. Because if anything, that's what you should be mad about. 

First off, like me, you put yourself in a situation that what you thought you knew, you didn't know shit. What do you expect dirty talk to be? Motherfuckers talking about rolling around in mud then taking their clothes to the goddamn laundry mat? Nah, bitch. Dirty talk is some fucked up shit. It's some shit that when you say it, God immediately has you on the first bus to hell. What you were thinking, he obviously wasn't thinking but can you blame him? Freaky to him may not be the same as freaky to you. And honestly, talking dirty isn't even freaky. It's just some weird shit you get to say because you watched it in a porno and it's the best time to say it under the circumstances of fucking. See where this is going?

Could it be possible he does want to fuck your sister and vice-versa? Yeah, possibly. But until you actually see it happen or there is more of a hint then elementary flirting, why be mad? You said, "Talk dirty to me" and this motherfucker came up with his best idea of dirty...which involved you and a family member and his 1 million children all over your faces. Give him an "A" for effort and let that shit go. Not worth your time or the argument. Now, if something does end up happening, come back to me and we can re-evaluate what the fuck is going on. 

Sometimes we say shit because we either freak out, we're not sure what to say, or assume what we're about to say is the right thing. Dude shot 75% on things you liked. That's better than what you might have been thinking. 

Calm your tits and give him a free pass because next time, you might be better prepared. 

Now go have sex and say some dirty shit to him. It might make you feel better.


Ghetto Genius 

1 comment:

Kitten said...

You always know how to break it down logically & keep it real. Love you & never leave again!