Friday, April 15, 2016

Advice Column: I Don't See Nothin' Wrong...With A Little Bumpin' Uglies

Dear Ghetto Genius,

I'll be straight up and to the boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month and we're both into one another. I can see myself with this man and I hope he can see himself with me. The one thing that is causing a little bump in the road is that when it comes to sex, it's mind blowing but, I think we're both insecure about what's down there. See, I guess you can say what you'd like to call "roast beef" and his penis resembles that of a banana or coat hanger. I think when we first gave oral, it was a big turn-off for both of us but not even til this day, has either one of us voiced our concern over it. It's just weird sucking him off with his thing looking like that and I'm almost positive he doesn't like all the extra vagina I bring to the table. LOL. 

It's so bad we always have sex with the lights off and when it's the day time, we ALWAYS do it doggy. 

Am I just over concerned or in your experience is this a problem? I don't know how to bring it up but I know something is up.


BTW, love your podcast and glad you're doing new things. 

All meat and no pleasure

Dear All Meat And No Pleasure,

What in the ungodly fuck did I just fucking read right now?!

Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Here we we fucking goooooooooo!!!!!

For years, there are two things I've made certain: 

1) Vaginas are not fucking pretty.

2) Penises are just as fucking ugly.

Those are facts. You know it. I know it. The whole WORLD fucking knows it.

Now, for every ugly penis and vagina, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. What's that light you might ask? Say it with me...





It's sex, motherfucker. 

Sex makes the world go round. So does oral. But in you and your man's case, that shit is non-fucking-existent. Real talk.

Whether your pussy is shaped like a pitchers mound or a head-on collision you can't look away from, fact of the matter is, that is fucking life. Sometimes God blesses a motherfucker with ugly ass junk. It could be worse, right? I mean, you could have an Arby's twat that smells like a landfill of human waste and he could have a banana/coat hanger penis the size of a mature field mouse. Beggars can't be choosers. You get what you get, unless you say, "fuck it," and move on to something bigger and better. However, what's the next guy or gal gonna say when they see the Gremlin in your fucking pants? If I were you, I'd embrace that shit, and get the fuck over it.

No man, I know, ever said, "Yeah, can you give me less meat on that sandwich?" Fuck no and fuck that. What does extra meat on a sandwich have to do with the extra vagina lips you're packing? Dudes don't give a fuck. Unless your shit got warts, got enough yeast to fill a bakery or smells like that of the Holocaust (settle down you sensitive fucks), then dudes could give a shit what your pussy looks like. Will it be a mouthful when he goes down there? Sure as shit it will. But like every man who has put too much food on his plate, he finds a way to conquer the mission. Maybe he hasn't thought it through because to him he might be like, "Damn, this bitch got layers of pussy and I don't even know if she can feel my tongue on it." Or, "Damn Daniel, this bitch got like 5 I aim for the one in the middle?"

On the flip side, you have the issue of sucking dick sideways. It's like you're doing neck exercises with your head on a swivel. Why? Because no dick should look like that. But like I said, it could be worse. He could be hung like a toddler with balls that have a better chance of fucking you better.

Get over it sweetheart. Chicks either love sucking dick or they don't. There's no in-between. I don't think I've ever met a woman who said, "Eh. I only like sucking dick IF..." Or, "I only suck white and black dicks. I jerk off all other races." Nah bitch, you either love the dick in your mouth all day, every day, or you don't. The shit could look like it went to a goddamn yoga retreat, if it's a dick, and you like sucking it, what the fuck does it matter?

Now that we got those issues and concerns out of the way, how do we face the problem? It's simple. Talk to one another, motherfuckers. You know what that is, right? It's where two people interact and have a conversation. It's quite awesome once you do it.

This is what bugs the shit out of me nowadays. Couples don't talk. They assume.


Don't be an assumer (Is this even a fucking word? It is now.).

Y'all need to sack the fuck up, sit each others asses down and say, "Yo, I dig the fuck out of you, but something is up when we get busy fucking. Lights are always off after sunset. I never see your face in the day time. Do you dislike my buffet of pussy meat? Because your dick looks like it got warped from staying out in the sun too long." Straight up. Be honest. Communicate. Listen to what the fuck each of you has to say.

Too many times a lack of communication and assumption ruins relationships. Especially ones where no REAL issues were even present. I mean, if what your pussy and cock looks like is consider a huge issue, then y'all motherfuckers need help.

Pussy is pussy and dick is dick. It's how you find a work-around that will make things better.

Embrace what your dude is packing. Sure it looks like a slinky going down a flight of stairs, embrace that shit so the next time you suck his cock, pretend your mouth is on a roller coaster ride.

As for him when he goes down to eat you out...

Be creative. Put a Dutch Crunch loaf of bread by your thighs along with some lettuce, tomato, mustard and an assortment of cheeses so he can make himself a sandwich. I mean shit, you got enough meat to get off and feed a I right? He might be weirded the fuck out BUT tell me he won't remember that shit and embrace the fuck out of you?

Again, it could be way fucking worse.

You know shit is fucked up when you're so self conscious that you can't even fuck with the lights on and stare at a wall while getting fucked during the day.

They don't even do that in porns.


Life will come at you with curve balls. In your case, 4 extra pounds of beef jerky and a Nike swoosh for a penis.

Just do it.

Like the slogan.

Genius Out,


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