Thursday, May 19, 2016

Advice Column: Here's To You, Miss Robinson!

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

I am a divorced 32 year old mother of two. I am infatuated with the 18 year old maintenance man's son. I am not looking to find my kids a daddy or myself a husband. I just want to have some fun. My question is; is it wrong for a 32 soon to be 33 year old woman to sleep with an 18 year old man?? 

Dear Ain't Nobody got Time for a Salutation,

Hi, I am H-Bomb. How the fuck are you doing? Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let's fucking do this shit.

I know, I know, y'all haven't heard from me in a hot minute. I may have even become fodder for a game of dead, jail, or rehab. Alas, my hiatus was nothing more than life getting in the way of fuckery, but I got that shit on lock and 'ol H-Bomb is about to start kicking it old school and wrecking shit on all your issues. And I know you motherfuckers got issues. I read the comments. I seent it.

So, little miss Cougar Tits got her honkers in a bind, cus she wants to fuck on the no-no bits of the maintenance man's son, aka, the gardener's boy. Cliche as fuck, sure. But, the truth of the matter is bitches need dick or bitches go cray. It's an irrefutable fact that I can back up with 100% certainty, as a bitch who goes cray when she doesn't get the dick.

You got 2 kids and the wrong kind of Big D? Someone get this woman some good dick, stat, before she loses her goddamn mind and becomes another statistic of a suburban ex-housewife gone butt-booty-crazy. How, pray tell, would I know you are the Mayoress of Suburbia and the Princess of The PTA? Cus I am a motherfucking snoop, yo. No, not Snoop Doggy Dogg; but I am nosy as fuck and I like to do my research on the magical internets.

See, when you send ya boy an email and he forwards it to me with his usual, "Yooooooooooooo, this is you, bitch. Put your scotch down and handle this," I see your email address and sometimes even your name. Quick search on FaceBook, in between my usual CornHub (did you see that shit on April Fool's Day? HILARIOUS) and online shopping nonsense, and I found you, saw some pics and got a feel for who the fuck this Cougar of the Cul De Sac really is. Guess what PumaPuss? You are not too shabby! I would knock the dust off your beaver, if you ever wanted to swing that way. Don't worry, 1 year away from To Catch A Predator, I am not going to divulge your identity. Your secret is safe with me, Ivanna Humpalot. But, on the reals, you are a hot piece of ass and I think you have a chance of riding the Pound Town Express all the way to Cougartown!

To be a Cougar or not to be Cougar? That is the question.

Be. A. Fucking. Cougar.

I know, I shocked the shit out of everyone with that answer. On the reals though, get yours. Get it in a house. Get it with a mouse. Get it in your box. Get it with the young Fox. You say he is the maintenance man's son? Sounds like he knows how to handle a hoe, then. Like Ghandi said, "Be the Hoe you want to see in the world."

Ghandi, Ron Jeremy, whatever. Don't let his age get to you either, Beaverella. If he is old enough to serve our great country, he is old enough to serve that fine coochie. Old enough to set the table, old enough to cum to dinner. And on dinner. And in her. I hope at this point I have made it abundantly clear: Fuck bitches, get youngins! Just remember to wrap before you slap, lest he has the clap. This is not the 80s and STD's are for teens humping in cars and old people fucking in the nursing home. Clap on, Clap off. No Clappers!!!

"BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT?" I know sweet tits, you are mom and a fine, upstanding, pillar of the community who wants to see some 18 year old's 'pillar of the community.' It's a risk, and the other PTA Putas could be find out you are a harlot who wants to get her cookie eaten like the last supper. I get it. I too have to live a double life; that of a person who is respected in the community and deals with fancy fucks all day long, but also longs to get filled out like an application by the pool boy. The older/younger fantasy works for like 99.9% of the free world. Every woman has lusted after some young stud, and every dirty old man, is well, a dirty old man. Deal with it. And if someone has some shit to say to you about getting your o-glow from the barely legal boy, please direct them to this link: 

Flash Furniture

Then, buy them this chair and tell them to take a fucking seat, shut the fuck up, and if they want to stay and watch you hump your hottie, to pop some popcorn and enjoy the show! You good? Yeah, I think we are done here.

This shit is waaaay too easy,


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