Saturday, March 28, 2020

Tiger King Ep 1: The Hero We Didn't Need; The Hero We Deserved

Picture it: South Florida, March 2020. You are quarantined in your house, like a proverbial caged lion. You flip on Netflix, because why the fuck not, and all at once you feel hot, flushed, you're  breathing heavy, you can feel your eyes dilate. You know something BIG is happening, and you can't quite put your finger on it. You are high, but you aren't on actual drugs (ok, maybe some of us, but not like this). You are on this new shit, you are on TIGER KING.

If you are one of the few people who hasn't watched this show, I don't know what to tell you. This is what people call a goddamn cultural phenomenon. I have seen thousands of memes about this fuckery, and I am not even sick of them. I want more. I now get why those fuckers on Tiger King are addicted to meth. I am addicted to this show. And after that first hit, I knew it was going to be dangerous for me; I couldn't binge it all at once. I watched the first episode, and let it set the stage. I let it lovingly caress my synapses, with its mullets and toothless, shirtless, delights. I let the afterglow of knowing that I was going to go down this glorious, deep, dark well of polygamy wash over me. I stopped after one episode knowing that I would never be the same. And I was here for it.

Now, let me really set the stage for my first hit. The Silver Fox Fuck Boy and I had enjoyed some breakfast bourbon (it's bourbon in coffee, but ya know, we got keep it classy at 7:30 am) and are chilling on the couch, we flip on Netflix and the teaser for this show comes and and he asked me if I want to watch it. The above picture is the screen shot I took, because I wanted to remember the moment I knew, there is no going back after this. I am a Florida born and raised, lover of all things white trash, mullet aficionado, trailer fabulous, woman. This shit speaks to me on a cellular level. But NEVER have I ever born witness to what I saw in just the first episode of this show. I am going to try not to give spoilers away, but considering the internet is the internet and we are all cooped the fuck up, trying not to go Joe Exotic on our own Carole, it is what it fucking is here.

Speaking of Carole, imma say this right meow: Carole is a cunt and she killed her 1st husband. Don't @ me. And I know her from somewhere, I can't place my finger on it, but I know her. Also, I hated her immediately when she started talking. And what the fuck is with that one weird strand of hair that she has draped over the rest of her hair sometimes. Also, is anyone else having nightmares of Carole saying, "Hey all you cool cats and kittens!" Because when I hear her talk, I want to get in one of the cages with the cats and let them tear me from limb to limb.

The first episode watches like Stefan from Saturday Night Live is describing one of his fucked up clubs and then you realize this is the one that actually exists. This club is called "Methed Up" and you  giggle, cus you don't know if it is a den for drugs, or people reading Mike Tyson's lispy words. And then all of a sudden, you are in it, hanging on these people's every word, from Doc Antle, to that thundercunt Carole, to that sweet toothless man John, to the completely fucking bonkers Joe. You are transfixed. You, are like me, living in two worlds: the time before Tiger King and the time after Tiger King. It has been 6 days since I started watching this show and 3 since I finished it and I have started watching it again so that J-Wunder (I can't even bring myself to call him Wundercunt, because it sounds too much like Thundercunt and that is a name solely reserved for Carole. Cus she murdered her husband) and I can do an episode by episode synopsis. This episode gives you just enough of a taste of the good, good stuff, and before you know it, you are counting the minutes while you work from home, before you can sashay yo ass over to the couch and get your fix.

I do have one question about all of this - did Netflix know what the fuck they were about to unleash upon the world with this? I saw an article someone wrote saying that this was the next big binge, on 03/19/2020, and a week later, WHOOMP HERE IT IS. Did Netflix know that we would be balls deep in quarantine and chill, and people were gonna be about ready to fuck shit up because every time someone mentioned the word Corona Virus, you could only here Cardi B saying KKAAAAAAAARAHHHHHHHHHNAVIRUS? Did Netflix take one look at our barren, wasteland grocery stores, and think, "You know what these crazy, hoarding motherfuckers, need? Gay Polygamist Drug Addict Big Cat Zoo Keepers!"

And they were absolutely fucking right. Either this is end of days, or how we will heal from all of this Corona madness. My prediction - when this is all over, Joe gets out of jail and finally becomes President. Sorry, not sorry, for the spoilers.

Ok, hold up. 2 questions - was this the Tiger Blood Charlie Sheen was talking about? Is he some kind of Coke addled prophet? Is he our new messiah. Shit, no more breakfast bourbon and writing.


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