Sunday, March 29, 2020

Tiger King Ep 2: Big Cats, No Limbs, Polygamy OH MY!

What in the actual fuck have we gotten ourselves into with Episode 2, y'all?! Right out the fucking gate, Kelci, better known as "Saff", got her motherfucking arm eating off by a goddamn tiger. A FUCKING TIGER. YOU KNOW, THAT SHIT YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET FROM TIME TO TIME...AND ARE LIKE, "THAT'S A BIG MOTHERFUCKING CAT."

First off, who has enough balls to put their arm through a fucking fence with a tiger chillin' on the other side?! Apparently this bad ass bitch. The craziest part was that she just laid there all calm and shit like she sprained an ankle.

The Tiger King comes to the rescue, wraps her no arm having ass up, and gets her ass to the hospital. Big ups to this motherfucker throwing on an EMT jacket, btw. Massive flex if you ask me.

I don't know what the fuck is in the water out there in Wynnewood, OK, but this bitch "Saff" went to work 5 days after getting her fucking arm amputated. Now, if that shit don't deserve a goddamn raise and promotion to CEO or whatever the fuck the rank is there, then I don't know what the fuck to say. Moving on...

Episode 2 gave us a glimpse into all these fools lives. Let's do the breakdown, shall we?

Joe Exotic - not much screen time on this episode. However, the more and more I looked at this dude, I realized if you mixed crystal meth and a can of Hamm's, this dude would form. And is it me, or Joe can make a music video of just about anything and think it's actually MTV worthy? Let's not forget about this dude and his two boyfriends - John Finlay and Travis. Hey John, meth is a helluva drug, bruh. This dude's teeth are so bad, that they've been practicing social distancing for years. The guy sucks dick ONE TIME and all of the sudden he's gay. Wait, what?! LOL. Moving on to Joe's other man Travis. This poor fucking kid is lost as fuck. Moves from Southern California to Oklahoma and one of the first thing he says is that he has big hands and big ass feet. Can you imagine the foot jobs he be giving Joe at night while he gets his stink ring tickled? Polygamy at its finest, folks!

Carole Baskin - I tried giving this bitch a chance and you know what? She is a cunt. And I swear to Jesus the Gardner, if I have to hear "Hey there all you cool cats and kittens" one more motherfucking time, I might happily volunteer and get run over by a goddamn bus while getting hit by every car along the way. Everything about her is suspect. From her "intern" program and making her staff work around the clock to the end of this episode where all of the sudden, her millionaire husband goes missing. We know you ain't right, Carole. We see right through your Kabala looking ass. Namaste, bitch.

Howard Baskin - all I have to say is that this dude looks like a priest who plays with little boys weiners. Next.

Rick Kirkham - if a cigarette and cigar had a kid, it would be this motherfucker. You know this dude never met a smoke he didn't like. For real though, he's probably the most sane dude on the show. Why he decided to produce Joe's stuff? It's because like us, he loves watching a train wreck you can't turn away from. Rick be looking puzzled every time he fucking talks.

Bhagavan "Doc" Antle - Doc is a mix between a 70's porn star, R. Kelly, Indiana Jones and a dad that wears Crocs with jean shorts and a white polo. This fool is a doctor of Mystical Science. I wish I was fucking lying. First of all, what in the actual fuck is that?! Mystical Science?! Motherfucker, you kick it with Harry Potter or something? GTFOH!!! Mystical Science my ass. The only thing mystical is your 3 wives titties. Which brings me to my next observation...this guy rolls like Joe and has 3 chicks by his side. I mean, his nickname is "Lord" and apparently, he digs chicks that are pretty much virgins. Instead of "Lord", we need to call this dude "The Virgin Surgeon".  Doc has so much pull that he even changes his chicks names. "Hey Lisa, your name is now Taint Goblin"...shit like that. Like Joe, he hates Carole. Basically, every motherfucker hates Carole. She'll probably read this column then ask to speak to the manager after.

Mario Tabraue - I'm not even joking when I say this but, he's the goddamn Scarface of the big cat world. Used to be a big time drug dealer, chopped some motherfuckers up, got caught slippin' and served his time. Now, he runs his own shit and has a bunch of exotic animals and like Joe and Doc, has a zoo. One that he calls "dummy proof". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he probably still deals drugs since he does after all have a high security and guarded who you ask? Scarface, motherfuckers! DO NOT MESS WITH THIS MAN. If anyone should be afraid of anyone, it's this dude.

How will Episode 3 turn out? This is the train wreck that we can't turn away from, people. Especially since this episode ended with Carole's millionaire husband missing. Shit is about to get really fucking real if you ask me!

Until then...peace the fuck out!


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