Monday, March 30, 2020

Tiger King Ep 3: The Secret

If you are like me, you are now on Episode 3 (or have completely watched it and are waiting for our take) and you have a minor case of whiplash from shaking your head back and forth with such fervor, because of all the no-no shit you have peeped in the first two episodes of this delicious shit show that has become our new normal. We also know, without a doubt that Thundercunt Carole killed Don. Again, do not @ me unless you have spent the last 20 days looking for Don's body, and you are ready to present your information to Cold Case Files. I am looking at you, Trebek (one of my best friends who lives for this shit, and I am pretty sure she is going to be the one to crack this case open faster than a dude bro on a White Claw at an EDM concert).

I saw the title from this show, The Secret and I was like, "What in the manifestation hell are we going to see now," because literally nothing is what the fuck you think it is on this show. Nothing. Up is down, day is night, black is white, drunk is sober, pants are good. Wait, no, pants are still fucking leg prisons and I hope Carole Baskins is sentenced to life wearing mom-jeans that are a 1/2 size too small, where that top button digs into the bottom of your belly button and you can't seem to get comfortable, ever. Ladies, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM TALKING ABOUT. Also, it opens with Doc Antle speaking, and TBH, if I couldn't join the Joe Exotic cult first (because meth and big cats hellllllllllllllllllller) I would be so on that soul patch that Doc Antle wears, making his face look like a Krispy Kreme donut. Jussssssssst let your Souuuuuuuuuuuul (patch) Glow!

When I first started watching this, I noticed that Don has a type. I mean, we all have a type, but Don's kink is one I haven't really come across. And no, I am not kink-shaming. Even if your kink is not my kink, do you boo. Even if it means you die by the hands of Carole fucking Baskins get your freak on. Don's kink tho, is fundamental/evangelical Christian women. Also, not shaming Evangelicals/FCWs. I know quite a few and in no way could I see them falling for Don's BS. Or his "money." Because do we really know how much money he had? But if you look at Don's Baby Mama, or his kids, or his Sexetary Anne, he definitely likes him a woman with a well teased coif, dressed modestly, and subservient to him. However, it also appears that after he left them, they left that life behind. Then comes Carole Fucking Baskins.

I don't know what kind of Trampa Bay love story she is peddling, but she was "pacing like a cat,"  (thanks to our Tampa Fan Faithful who let us know that Nebraska Ave. is strictly for the ladies of the night - also, no shame there. Sex work is valid and we support it) and lo and behold here comes her 3rd rate Richard Gere, in his pick up, asking her to get in. He circles 3 times until he tells her she can get in and hold the gun on him because he needs to talk. I can't get a dude to call me his girlfriend and this bitch gets to hold a gun on some dude and they "talk." Fuck. Outta. Here. And let me back Don's pick up truck real quick, and revisit Carole's original story - She was fighting with her cusband (I swear to G that is what I heard) and she had to throw a potato at him to get a way. Again. Fuck. Outta. Here. She was on the hoe stroll, simple as that.

So she meets this dude, who carries a $500 bill in his pocket because he can (worst flex ever, IMO) and Carole 'I didn't know how poor we were" Baskins coos "hey all you cool cats and kittens' and Don's life is changed forever. Much like me and this goddamn show. Little did he know he was meeting his maker. Poor fucking Don. He just wanted a little here kitty kitty, and he ended up with the bitch that would be the death of him. Literally.

For those of you out there defending Carole Fucking Baskins, if you really watch this shit show and when they say the bought 52 cats in one pop, you know she ain't right. She was buying, selling, and breeding these things like she was the madam of a whore house, if your whores were cats. And when she said she was having them spayed and neutered while he was in Costa Rica, fucking his actual side piece, she was really neutering the part of her that could feel human emotions and make her a non-stop killing machine.

I think my heart breaks the most when Don's daughter calls him a sexaholic. Not a sex addict but a SEXAHOLIC. SEXAHOLIC. SEXAHOLIC. OK, my heart doesn't break, because I can't get over her calling her dad a SEXAHOLIC. He is rolling over in his grave or onto his Costa Rican Cutie with that shit. And I am laughing at his old ass Tina Belcher looking kid calling him a S E X A H O L I C.

Without giving too much away, and clouding your judgment, unless you are a fucktard and believe Carole Fucking Baskins is innocent, I will say this:

Don is actually alive in Costa Rica, laughing his head off at all this fuckery and probably pulling out some teeth to plant on the property that will help identify his body and cage that fucking cunt Carole, once and for all. And then he is going to run away with Anne, whom he has been really pining for his whole life, and be in some kind of awesome Costa Rican Thrupple. Now, that is the sequel I want to see.

And because I love you and want you to be happy, here is "Here Kitty Kitty" Joe's song about Carole killing her husband. And it is everything you want and need it to be.

See ya for Ep 5, all you cool cats and kittens


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Carole Fucking Baskins. I'll have a party when she turns up dead.