Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Tiger King Ep 4: Playing With Fire

What in the actual fuck once again. I don't know about you, but this show has me lost with all emotions. One minute I'm like, "WTF?!" Then I'm like, "Only in Oklahoma." The next minute I'm like, "Fuck Carole Baskin! She a hoe."

In Episode 4, it starts with a goddamn Joe Exotic music video. This dude singing about how Carole Baskin is basically trying to ruin his life. Surprise motherfucker!!! Side note: I'm sad and disappointed that Joe is pulling some Milli Vanilli shit and doesn't really have pipes. How do I know? Well, not only did I read it online, but in this episode, he's in his truck singing and I'm like, "This dude sounds like fucking shit." Not that he sounded like a goddamn angel in his music video but man...c'mon, bruh. I'm trying to love your ass unconditionally.

I forgave this ombre-mullet having motherfucker real quick though when they show him riding with a tiger in the front fucking seat like it's a goddamn chocolate lab going on a Sunday ride around town. This dudes dick gotta be made of something from outer fucking space. If there is one guy who gives no fucks, it's Joe Exotic. Oh, and the homie Erik Crowie (he's the broke ass version of Kid Rock).

Thundercunt Carole Baskin and her pedophile looking husband Howard are at it again. And this time, they are out to get Joe and all his fucking money. I won't bore you with details, so I'll give you the short version of it all. Joe wanted to basically be the top dog when motherfuckers search for tiger zoo's or whatever the fuck on Google. Carole is always the first link you see. Where was Joe? Not at the top. So what did this dude do? He stole some shit from Carole. Was it smart? Obviously not bc this dude got his ass handed to him in a lawsuit. A cool million bucks worth. Did that stop Joe? Does a crackhead say no to free drugs?

Carole and Howard were out for so much blood that not only did they sue Joe's ass, but they also sued that poor looking Lieutenant Dan motherfucker, John Reinke. Leave John alone...dude got no legs and is trying to make a fucking living.

And if I may...any person that says shit like, "No poop from Frosty today" is clearly goddamn killer. WE SEE YOU, BITCH! 

One would think battles of trademark and copyright infringement only happened in the entertainment industry in cities like Los Angeles or New York. NOPE. The good 'ol state of Oklahoma got that shit too. Shit was getting so methed up (see what I did there), that this motherfucker, Joe, was doing shows talking to a goddamn doll as if it was that cunt ass bitch, Carole Baskin. I mean, blow up dolls, dildos and guns were involved. Ain't that some shit?! This gay, gun toting red neck with a mullet was so goddamn delusional that this cat made me realize that if I smoked meth and sucked dick, as a straight man, I could make it in life.

Here's where shit starts to get good...

Joe got his ass handed to him on a silver fucking platter. After the judge declared Joe fucked up, Thundercunt Carole wanted EVERTHING. I'm talking cars, RV's, watches. bed's. This bitch wanted HIS FUCKING BED. And people don't think this bitch ain't crazy?! GTFOH!!!

Joe's patience was as thin as his fucking eyebrow ring hanging on for dear fucking life. Lord help me. 

Then shit went from 0-100 real quick. Joe was dumb enough to give Rick Kirkham the rights to all the video footage they've been taping. This is what happens when motherfuckers think they are invincible and are more concerned about their popularity and how much cock they are looking to suck bc of it. However, Rick was dumb enough to not back up one goddamn thing he filmed. Hence, a towering inferno of flames and fire (PS - Joe, that's the same fucking thing dumb ass) went ablaze in the alligator sanctuary and not only killed those gators (which was rumored to be Michael Jackson's) but also, all the goddamn footage that was housed in that same area. Which brings me to an interesting question. How the fuck are we watching this series if the footage was burned down?! 

So who did it? Was it Rick? Was it Joe? Or was it that stone cold killer (bc we know you did it, hoe), Carole Baskin?

Joe was convinced that Cig Dick Rick, was the mastermind behind it all. Me, personally, I don't see that being the case. 

But let's be real...Joe being the dumb fuck he was, got greedy and left a clue behind. Dude leaves for a "funeral" the day before the arson. then, this motherfucker meets with his lawyer and they talk about Joe's reality show and how he didn't protect his shit. Bruh...bruuuuuuuh. His lawyer basically says without saying, "You're fucked...you need to do some insurance fraud type shit if you know what I'm saying...wink, wink." 

By the grace of God, Joe got this shit rebuilt. You're probably asking yourselves, "How the fuck did his (now) broke ass come up with the money?" Probably by giving a couple 5 dollar "hot and ready" pizzas from Little Cesar's and a bag of Oklahoma's finest meth to the local (straight man) construction worker who looked like his cock was a good 6-8 inches with the girth of a Coke can. I don't even know if any of that made sense. I'm writing this and I'm high as shit, people. 

Joe needed an out, so gives ownership to his straight/gay hubs, John Finlay. The dude with 7 teeth is about to own this zoo. This is the same guy who has the IQ of a rug and was about to have this business in his name. What in the actual fuck, people. I mean, give that shit to "Saff". Bitch got his/her/they (side note: Saff trans now so I gotta throw everything in there so I don't have motherfuckers coming after me) arm eaten off by a fucking tiger.

Well, if things couldn't get any worse, it did. Joe puts his own parents into bankruptcy. This dude said, "Carole bankrupt them." Nah motherfucker, you did. You went broke then made every motherfucker broke along the way. I'm heated, y'all. Oh, and if you're reading this mom, I love you and fuck Carole Baskin. But for now, fuck Joe Exotic. 

GW Zoo became so low on funds that the animals were eating like homeless people in San Francisco. Basically living off eating their own dookie and cigarette butts. 

Joe plays victim and says he was gonna die a hero and liberate the animal world. And that is when that motherfucker Jeff Lowe comes into the picture. Was this the savior we all needed? Especially Joe?

How would I describe Jeff Lowe you ask? He's a cross between Fred durst,  Brett Michaels with aspirations of being Hugh Hefner. He's the richest broke motherfucker you've ever seen. He says, "A little pussy gets you a lot of pussy." Guess this dude did it all for the nookie, right? BTW, how the fuck do I get this dude's kinda credit line? 

In short, Jeff saves Joe's ass and Joe is so thankful that you can almost feel that he's about to eat Jeff's butthole as a thank you. Here's where it gets good, y'all...since Joe think Jeff has endless amounts of money, he gives this motherfucker, Jeff, the zoo and all of the sudden, shit goes south. And while Joe thinks he has Carole by her penis shaped clitoris, he fucks himself. BAD. 

Has this dude not learned anything?! A guy with so-called money, bails you out and you fuck yourself by giving the zoo to him to "clear your debt?!"

I don't know about you guys but come episode 5, I better see people (not Don Lewis), getting eating by some goddamn tigers.

Until then, I'll see you at my Episode 6 review.



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