Thursday, April 2, 2020

Tiger King Ep 5: Make America Exotic Again

I know, I know, I missed posting this dumpster fire of a recap yesterday, but lets be fucking real, no one, and I mean NO ONE knows what the fuck day it is. J-Wun asked me what day it was yesterday and I said it was the Eleventieth of Blurbember, because my ability to comprehend days and dates is about as in tact as Saff's left arm nubbin. I am so calendar dysfunctional I forgot to pay myself last week, as if I got settlement money like that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins rolling in. Shit was so real I almost had to turn gay for meth and kitty cuddles to keep myself in meth and kitty cuddles.

Episode 5. What. The. Fuck. This episode is a roller coaster ride, if you like roller coaster rides where they alternate setting you on fire and blasting you with hail at the same time, all while blindfolded and wearing noise cancelling headphones. If someone who had never seen an episode of this show started watching just this episode, it would be like when you are watching someone get tortured by keeping their eyes open and showing them the most gruesome shit of all time. If Stefan was trying to make up a club to describe this episode it would be called NOPE, because nothing can prepare you for what goes down in 44 mins.

This episode opens with mah dude Bhagavan, bringing the animals to a kiddie birthday party. And now I am all kinds of pissed off that my fuck ass parents never threw me a birthday party at Lion Country Safari (yeah that place mentioned in the show is 30 minutes from my house) and bought me this magical MoFo to party with. I want a Bhagavan "Doc" Antle Birthday Party, Daddy! And that story line just kind of peters out, as if that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins killed it.

Next, we hear some meow meow from Jeff and you see him wearing an affliction flannel shirt. Again. What. The. Fuck. How does one even procure such finery? Do you find an old County Seat, in a mall in Ciudad De Juarez, where they have clothes that people tried to set on fire in 2008, but then realized that you can't set it on fire because it has some kind of magical flame retardant properties? Should we start having firefighters wear Affliction Flannel shirts, because that is the only thing that can protect you from heat that intense?

And when I think the most fucked up thing I am going to see in this episode is an affliction flannel shirt (yes, I am fucking shook by that shit), Joe Exotic says, "Hold my meth pipe," because here comes Jabba The James Garretson. This dude looks like if you were drawing adult Haley Joel Osment from memory and you have only seen him one time. He looks like the haircut barbers all over the country are going to have to try to fix, because people started to cut their own hair in quarantine. He says he has managed strip clubs, and worked in the circus. Bro IS the circus. And is this dude in the Witless (I said what I said) Protection Program? Because he never looks the same in any of his interviews that will follow. And we will talk more about him in another episode, because this fat fuck manages to squeeze his 1000 tons of lard into a LOT of what happens in the future. To be continued.

I think James was introduced to play up that Travis wasn't gay-gay, just gay for meth and Big Cats. But, who the fuck of us isn't a little gay for meth and big cats? I know I sure the fuck am. All of this was a nice segue way to bring us to the one of the next WTF moments in this episode.

Walmart Meat Truck.

Running a zoo is 'spensive, meth is 'spensive, having two husbands is 'spensive. So like any frugal, business savvy, entrepreneur Joe decided to save money in the most obvious ways: cut out dental benefits for the staff/spouses and get old ass meat from Walmart, by the truckload. I mean, if my options were eating old ass Walmart meat OR smoking meth, I am going to have to be honest and say that meth may be the healthier option. Follow me @missushoper on Insta for more recipes!

Like a bad 3am infomercial, just when you think that's it, a coked up Billy Mays (RIP) says, "But wait, there's more." JOE FOR PRESIDENT.  Shut up and take my money! Fuck JFK, Fuck Obama, Fuck Trump. There will never be another word uttered in any presidential campaign, ever, than, "I ain't changing the way I dress, I refuse to wear a suit, I am gay, I am broke as shit, and I have a judgment against me by some bitch." He is us. We are him. And his campaign manager Joshua Dial (also maybe in the Witless Protection Program because he also goes a big metamorphosis during this show) saying he knew he was crazy from their conversations at Walmart. Dude. DUUUDE. Dude.

The campaign stuff is just too delicious. Joe is in his element, with his people, showing them the way and the light. Also, Political Condoms? Fucking Brilliant. I mean, we are all trying to fuck or get fucked, at least he is trying to keep us safe, because he loves us and wants the best for us.  I am not even going to get into the shittery of that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins talking about people getting their "Picture Made" with politicians like this taking a photo is some artisanal shit you buy on Etsy.

The kicker of all of this? We are only like 1/2 way through this episode. I could go on and on about some things, but we gotta get to the meat of what this episode is really about. And I literally mean meat. Travis's meat. There is a lot of meow meow about Joe, John, and Travis, and their drug use, the toys that Joe was lavishing upon them, how both John and Travis weren't gay and Joe is losing his shit, maybe from too many drugs or bad Walmart meat (no one will ever know), John knocks up the girl at the front desk, and Travis, being Travis, shoots himself in the head and dies. Told ya. Roller-Fucking-Coaster.

You would think that losing one part of your Not So Gay Three Way Marriage would sober Joe up. Fuck ALL that noise. Joe goes full Joe on errybody and gives The Eulogy to end all Eulogies. Dressed as a priest, singing his songs, talking about Travis rubbing his balls on Joe's face. Then cut to Travis's mom tweaking the fuck out in the front row. But do you blame her? I sure the fuck don't.

You would think this would  be the end of it, but nope, there's still more. Joe has a shrine built for Travis, and thankfully the local motorcycle club saw whatever back alley abortion dumpster fire Joe created and designed a tasteful, elegant, timeless piece where Joe can take pictures of the clouds that say Hi, or High, not really clear there. But don't cry for Joe, Oklahoma. Just two months later, he has a new love, and this dude is actually gay. Like an openly gay, Joe loving man. And they get married. And live happily meth-er after.


I am spent after that recap. I need a shower, a nap, and a hot meal. Preferably not old ass Walmart meat, but we all know I have probably put worse in my mouth before. Stay tuned for J-Wunder's Ep 6
recap, whenever that may be, because calendars are hard.


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