Someone Did Not Pay Attention In History Class

4th of July FAIL

Happy Independence Day!!!

Happy 4th of Ju-RUUUUUNK

I love holidays. I love everything about them. But there is no other holiday that I love more than the 4th of July. Yessir! The weather, the bbq's, the friends and family. It's an amazing fucking day. But the two things I love the most about the 4th of July are: 1) Booze. 2) Fireworks. Put those two together...and we have ourselves a really fucking fun party.

Have any of you ever gotten drunk and fucked around with fireworks? Well I have, and let me tell ya, it's the most amazing and scariest fucking thing you'll ever experience. Take last year for example...

I was at the beach. Was there since 6am. Drinking. A lot. Not to look like a complete piece of shit, I started my morning off with some Bloody Mary's. Around 9am, I moved to Mimosa's. 10:30am, beer. By noon I was taking body shots off some old ass cougars who were camped out next to us. I would say it was awkward but those old bitches were fucking hiz-ooooot. I'm only saying this because I'm fucking single and need some pussy...BAD. Anyway, I was drunk. Really, really fucking trashed. Like newborn baby drunk. You know...when you can't open your eyes and feel like you're blind. Yeah, that kinda drunk.

By 8pm, the sun came and left, and as for me...I was ready to blow up some shit. So I pulled out some fireworks. Not your gay ass sparklers or Piccolo Pete's either. I'm talking about some mother fucking bottle rockets and the always amazing, Roman Candles. Imagine me...half fucking naked...drunk...with some illegal shit in my hand...looking to blow up the goddamn sky. One word: Awesome! So awesome that instead of shooting them in the sky like a normal fucking human being, I did something better. I lit those fucking things up and just started shooting them...AT PEOPLE. That's right..I was THAT guy.

To the chick who's number I was trying to get all damn day at the beach...fuck you, hope you like this bottle rocket right between your milky tits - BOOM!

To the douche bag that only got knee high in the water because he was afraid to get his hair wet...hair product + explosives = YOU'RE FUCKED BUDDY - KA-BLIZ-OW!

To the two hot ass cougs that I was taking shots off of, and making out with, pretty much all fucking day...who still gives hickey's to people? This Roman Candle has botoxed vagina written all over it - TA-DOW all up in yo BIZ-NASS!

Guys, I was waaaaaasted. So smashed that I started shooting mother fuckers with fireworks...for like 30 goddamn minutes. Hot chicks, old chicks, douche bags, moms, dads, children, life guards. Anyone that got in my path of destruction...hasta la vista bitches. Then the cops came...

Me: "Ocifer, fuck man...I don't wanna die."

Po-po: "Son, you aren't gonna die, you're going to jail though."

Me: "I swear, I didn't mean to, I'm just sooooo fucking drunk. My whore of a girlfriend fucked some other chick (yes, the bitch fucked another chick...a stripper actually) and I'm taking it out on booze and innocent children."

Po-po: "We need to take you to jail son. I'm sorry."

It was right then and there that I knew, if I didn't do something fast, I was seriously going to be fucked. Both in life and by the big ass dude named Francis in a 8 x 8 cell. So what did I do...

I PISSED MYSELF...In front of every fucking body.

I have never seen a look of disgust from so many people...even the police. But I had to. I had to do something because for starters, I had no clue where any of my clothes were...and second, I forgot what town I was in. That's how fucked up I was. Oh and by the way, thanks to my fuck face friends who stood back and laughed at me the whole damn time. You guys can go fuck a rock. Dicks.

Me: "I'm sorry ocifer, I can't control myself. I'm scared. Please let me go."

Po-po: "Son, we'll let you go, but we have to site you for public intoxication and urination."

Me: "God bless you men in blue." 

That's all I got guys. A slap on the hand and a fucking ticket. That my friends...is a goddamn mother fucking win!

So what's the moral of my story?

The 4th of July is awesome. Get drunk, make out with whoever you fucking want, and blow up shit. But if and when you get caught by the police and are about to go to jail...piss yourself...just don't shit yourself. That's just fucking gross. Yessir!

Happy 4th, you fuck faces!