Lookin' Bro - The Anthem of Anthems

"What the fuck is with...Neighborhood bottle service??"

Dear J-Wunder,

What the fuck is with guys who get bottle service? At a neighborhood bar, no less?

Please enlighten me,
I Want My Bar Back
 
Ball Buster Insight:

Dear I Want My Bar Back,

You're right... it wasn't too long ago that I remember when bottle service was just for the elite. Those with fuck-loads of money. And just in places like Vegas, NYC and LA.

Fast forward to 2011, and bottle service has become the standard (and I'm not talking just at Tao in Vegas either) but at all high-end clubs all over the country. AND, the craziest part is that your everyday, joe-shmo, bar is now offering bottle service to any random fuck who wants to drop some coin.

Usually it is just 6-7 douchbags sitting around a table cheersing each other every time someone says "I got laid." BUT, every once in a while you'll have some dumb-as-rocks, fake-tittied bitches think it's fucking Reggie Bush sitting at the table (yes clearly you saw this fucking loser on TV, bitch) and this jersey chaser will cause a scene like none other. This is when you douchebags win.

So now not only do you see the group of Investment Bankers, Hedge fund guys, 0r commercial real estate jerkoffs, but you also see that tattooed Jersey Shore wanna-be who is funding his evening from his latest scratch ticket winnings. And the worst part, for us normal bar patrons, we're now exposed to this ridiculous douchebaggery. When at one point in time, bottle service was meant to separate you from the masses, now you can sit at any table in the bar and have "bottle service" (i.e., mixing your own drinks at 20x the cost of the bottle). And goddammit, I don't want to be a part of it.

Where is the exclusivity people??! Now you just look like you want to drop an extra $400 for a good time. You might as well just take that money down to a neighborhood strip club for some rub and tug... because at the end of the day, that's what you're looking for.

All I ask, please stop taking over my favorite dive bars, I really don't want to have to resort going out in the Tenderloin.

Dive Bars are for Real Drinkers,

Ball Buster

Douchebags of the Day

Dakotah Lamuska

Most of us at some point like to let our freak flag fly. It generally occurs in private or behind the closed doors of our homes, but Dakotah Lamuska has his own way. The 24-year old Jackson, Tennessee man broke a window of a school one night last week, climbed in, and proceed to offer his take on the hokey poke. He got buck naked, raising his freak flag to full mast and shook it all about. Yep, Lamuska kicked off his sunday shoes and offered his own bare ass take on Footloose.

We're going to assume that Lamuska mindset was "altered" because he left his pants behind -- something most sober people try to avoid when going out in public. When cops responded to reports of an alarm going off at the school, they found the door propped open, and upon investigating, Lamuska's pants, with the wallet still inside. When they checked the school's surveillance tape they saw the ugly truth. (It's just not the same without hearing the soundtrack in his head.) When they picked themselves off the floor and stopped laughing, they arrested Lamuska for burglary, vandalism, indecent exposure, and inappropriate off-stage use of a musical number. (Yeah, we're making that last one up.)



Jeffrey LeBlanc

Everyone's heard stories of people putting a little Nyquill or even whiskey in the baby's bottle to get it to go to sleep. Leave it to an addict to push the bar to life-threatening extremes. In October, 30-year old junkie douchebag Jeffrey LeBlanc was high when he came up with a great plan to help his girlfriend's sick 3-year old find relief -- he injected her with heroin. ("Hey it makes me feel better.")

The child was picked up by police when it was reported it was "nodding-off." (Isn't that pretty much the whole purpose of junk?) She was taken to a Boston-area hospital where doctors found heroin in her system, and a needle mark on her arm. How he managed not to overdose her remains a mystery, but she has since recovered and is in state custody. LeBlanc went into hiding but was captured two weeks ago, and faces a litany of charges, while in jail on a $105,000 bond.

Clearly a case of "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you" gone horribly wrong.